feeling turmoiled

here is a woman so lostits just painful to be her
her soul inked with turmoil of failures and her mind blogged with the inability to become something
in her she was a strong one
a wild one
an untamed one but with respect and dignity
and now nothing is in her
except feelings of despair
why is so tired?
why is she so broken
the stepping ladder of peoples successes
the stay at home nothing
the go to work emptiness
because this isnt the life i imagined for myself

people lost in me - and i lost for them
people cannot define me and i cannot define myself
unable to cherish me when i cannot cherish myself
unable to become and do in the day because ive decided not to
and then they perform their life
and add me in the equation

this is not a sum
this is a subtraction
and it is not a multiplication of days its a division into falling tommorows
I am tired
I am not the person i used to be

what does used to be mean?
well a young vibrant woman of origin of strength of gials and belieifs that she can
a woman of knowledge of tries

not of this woman who is just walking around
in pain

advice into life

here it is
whatever happened to that strength within you that escapes mountains
reads extensively
writes beautifully
wakes early
never dissolves in front of sins
never asks for more than she needs
doesnt need more than knowledge
whatever happened to love
love for yourself
true love for yourself
difficult love
asking questions
stopping the hand of pain
stopping the hand of misery
and allowing for beauty
miracles and trust
within you and yourself
you know.... thatyou do not trust yourself
and that lover , you can never just change
you can never just throwout
no
you have to ask yourself
why are you so angry with yourself
why are you so lost inside yourself
where is your energy
where is your ...things
where is you
i love living
but what does living mean to you
ask yourself
if you live the way youre living now
in a few years , years and years
what will it be
and in a few lifetimes
and in a few moments
and in a few hours
these hours that you take for granted and live your life continuously in the 1 step back method
is a devastating way to create a new you
ask yourself
are you truly happy?

or do you want more
like being positive
finding ways to be energetic
living beautifully within yourself
being at peace with yourself
yes
being at peace with yourself
for now
you are fighting
you want something but you do not take the actions to do it , instead you take actions against it
and then you cry
and then you feel flat, or full, or angry, or regret sinks in
and then you fight again
1 step back, 1 step forwards

isnt it time to say stop
ask yourself
where do you want to be in a few hours time
in a few months time
in a years time
in a few years time
in a lifetimes time
a good muslim?
in love always with momen?
happy?
a beautiful healthy energetic positive strong dedicated mother ?
a smart woman?
a kind human being?

yes
all the above
that's 6 things and 6 chapters and 6 ways of life merged into ... you
do you think facebook and watsapp and instagram and and and and is going to do that for you?
am not saying sacrifice
Im saying relocate priorities
shuffle your existence
change your methods
buy new innovations
sell old tactics that stopped working or havnt worked ever
dont lose
realise your importance so others can realise it too
stop giving advice to your daughter before you take your own advice
love your daughter enough to be the wonderful role model she needs
for there is no way you can just tell her, you have to show her
otherwise shell never believe you

Sudan fairytale...Omdurman beauty

That time of moment you are living the sudan beauty of life

For there really is something magical about a sudanese sunset im omdurman

The simple but elegant azan of maghrib

The background of traffic wizzing by

The silence of a forgotten home

Its treasure lay dusken

Its history sweeped under the floors

Its life lifeless where there used to be and surroundings unfamiliar where they werent

Last times are a lot here but first things also

Like how eman sleeps silently across the room 

Her precious face tired yet energetic just a ticking body of faith that life is wonderful

And how a phone call swifts me into love deeper than ever before for i guess we all have to keep learning

How to be patient how to be calm how to be forgiving how to be understanding and when that happens flowers bloom and roses dance

And now the prayer calls the time is so beautiful here

In omdurman

Life is fascinating under a silent umbrella of good thoughts

And when u listen to your own voice

And when you let your feelings grow a garden 

Its ok to have bad feelings like weeds you can learn to cut them out balance them with the good

And you can have new feelings like a new colour of flower

But everything has to be watered always

That is love 

the perfect sentence

You have a tremendous capacity to bury problems deep, and you happily go through life surfing on top of them. It is true that this strategy of yours allows you to remain in a good mood. But you are never in such a good mood as to be profoundly happy, wouldn't you agree?

I would agree
I would agree am always being defeaten , always wishing things would happen, always going 2 steps back , always being in a remote area within myself
always broken 

reshuffling

so here i am
the woman that is unattractive afraid suddenly of things people, people i dont even know
people that dont remind me of who i am and i become undifferentiated.
i
am
afraid
of strange things
like how they keep things and remember him, us and  i just dont even know them
but it makes me fearful
that i pretend i am ok when i am
but really my body aches
and my heart is probably on the road and my mind is losing cells and my knees are gasping and my ankles are breaking
i
feel
isolated
all in a room except me
all in a place i cant seem to find
am i too extrovert? that it has made all find me difficult
or am i a woman that too speaks her mind and does what she believes in for that is what i was brought up to do
or am I too introvert? so much that people dont even understand me , even the closest to me, even the ones i wished that did... understand me
give a little touch , to my life
and then there are voices
strangers
but close people can become strangers
you can become a stranger to yourself
and i ask myself
if hate can become love, can love become hate?
this makes me target pain
makes me feel unstable in my life
in my beliefs
shaken that is
lost that is
whats the point of fighting then if you can suddenly put down your swords and hug
theres no point
was it all a waste of time
or was it a lesson?
was it the right thing to do
was it hte right thing to do at a certain time or was it wrong thing to do at anytime?



if you ever find that you hate someone
like really really hate someone
ask yourself why
because i didn't
and then i realised i was really afraid
not even of them , but of my own weaknesses
more importantly ,
don't spend your time in hate
its such a waste of time
and believe in those comments such as if you hate
it is you that gets consumed in it
if you don't like it, stop, and step back
but don't start, and step forwards
without believing in yourself and what you stand for first
remember you can stand for what you believe in without hating
a viscous mistake when i didn't do
also , do not ever carry out the actions of other peoples words
if someone tells you to do something, be something, think something, only do so if you believe it
make up your mind sitting in front of an ocean, on the most beautiful sunrise, with just the right temperature and your eyes glistening with hope

Advice that is nice 1

Dear daughter
When someone asks you to go left and someone right remember what is in your heart
Your goodness
And then decide
You may want to stay in the middle and you may want to do something else but that is neither right or left then ...that is your choice
Remember that you will be held accountable for your actions and their words will become lifeless but your reasoning, guilt or pride will prevail
Also when you you feel you want to satisfy options that are opposite from each other remember that your life is way more important amd should be happier and healthier unselfishly above anything else
Do not let anything get in the way of your work, your family, your loves and passions and your dreams.
Dont let people bring you down
They may say
Anything
Whatever small
And if you let it, it can be a gigantic drawback to your thoughts
But do what you insist upon
However always be kind
Yes
I find anytime i wasnt kind allah did not bless me.
And anytime i wasnt kind
I felt awful
And anytime i wasnt kind i wasnt smart
Amd anytime i wasnt kind i wasnt happy
So be kind
Escpecially to those who are frail
Be it in their health their age their unwise thoughts or their fears

I know you have fears too
But those fears are your strengths never your weakness

To be continued

Am just the finger on the trigger

Theres nothing i can do to make my mum Nd dad better

But theres everything am doing to make it worse

Like a deep gash like battling against cancer like acid to the face like a bleeding body

Like world war 1 and 2 and 3 and 4

Like anger in the middle east

Like radical minds

Thats how my parents are

Ugly with each other

Mad with each other

Bitter to each other

Disconnected from each other

Angry with each other

And the worst pain i think

Misunderstanding each other

Amd here i am 

Like the shot in the gun

Like the hydrochloric acid in the acid

Like the tank in the war

Like the knife that cut and like the reason for misunderstanding

Here i am

Cant get my own life in rhythm

It really pains me how my parents are

And it pains me more to know im probably making it worse

By trying to make it better

And it really pains me my dads eyes and my mums getting older

And how she doesnt want to create new ways for him to love her

And he doesnt care if he hurts her

And she doesnt mind that hes far at mind and thoughts and it doesnt bother him that he doesnt like what she likes

Its a mess

A painful mess

And a beautiful wound

Of lovers gone

I dont see lovers no more

I dont see a family no more

I dont see happiness or communication

I dont see any of it

I only see bitterness and resentment

I only see 2 people who found themselves having to be with each pther

Almost as if they want to change it all if they could 

And maybe they tried i may never know

And i only see 2 people just 

Lifeless actions

And me the roll in the film

The tape in the recorder

The play in the dvd

I am their second generation of similar movement

It really pains me how my dad speaks about my mum and how my mum speaks about my dad

How my dad no longer cares and my mum no longer tries

How my dad is so far and my mum is so near

How my mum looks so tired and my dad tries so hard to find eneergy

It pains me that they would never think to go on a sunshine holiday together

Or that they would never invite each other out

And it pains me that he would probably never buy her a rose again or gold

And it pains me that she would never try to exercise 

Oh dear am gonna get caught

Crying in the wrong place

Echoes in my mind_ the broken sunday

Deep in my thoughts you are there fixing my meaning and creating my sentences but i feel youre making your own days these days.  My heart warms when i read ur name on my phone its like a little golden treasure lighting up my life. Or the flowers and fruits u send me in the morning or the happy funny tunnels u create that make my day... and night. My heart warms when u think of me and when you ask about me or when u believe in me

But now am in despair my phone is quiet and i have no flowers or fruits or good mornings. Its just dark so i have to go back and read old messages. I have no smiles or happiness calling and i know you dont believe in me . 

I know you have to go to other places and at night it's to your books... or simply its to the other side of me wherever that may be. And your phone is too busy for me and your flowers and fruits i dont deserve. I know its hard to believe in me for ive failed so many times

And so my life is all quiet without you

Now thats something i just cannot force

Or make or buy or control

 They call me demanding and persuasive 

Theyre absolutely right the jewelers in liverpool

To me it had to be right the golden jewels so that it would be an anklet deserving your love

And dad says he stops in his tracks in anger when i speak 

And mum shouts her opinion so i listen

And you 

Just stat quiet 

I know theres something wrong in me

 But whatever it is - its not you

I dont think am confident

I think am arrogant

And i used to thinkk am strong but am really a weak woman breaking myself most easily

And i certainly am not persevering

Although i realise the lack of care ive instilled in my work has affected everything in me

Its just not important to you if its not important to me

Day 20

Day 20 

I dont know of somewhere here there

Horns feelings sadness happiness

Fat thin

Broken wrong broken right

Gold mending me nothing in me

I dont know

I just dont know

What this feeling is

Is it hate

Is it anger

Is it deep down depression

Is it loss

Is it guilt

Is it just the feeling of madness and i dont know

What makes me me and what makes me them and what makes me right or wrong

What makes us think and what makes us drive and what makes us believe in what we believe

Emotions

Fear

Remorse

Hate

Jealousy

What makes us fight and what is it we fight for and how long and how strong

Throwing tables

Writing messages

Rethinking never listening or being cornered

Learning from life to give to your new daughter

Believing

Wanting needing 

Not wanting for others 

Selfish 

Kind 

What is kindness

Passing beggars holding shopping bags

Theory politics

Or theory hard heart

Is that wrong or right a belief or not 

Where does it go 

Actions

Whos a bad person and who is not

You?

Are you a good person

Or are you a bad person pretending to be good or are you in the middle

Neither here nor there

Or are you just pathetic

History

Future

Today 

Tommorow

Life 

Death

Its all coming

So how ready are you 

How damaged and damaging

When will you be 

Ready?

When will you get there

When will you be there

When will you arrive

When will you stop the car and just sit

When will you just sit

Thorn mornings

AAnd thrn i realised how it was suddenly all my fault

For i had been going on the plan they had been making out for me

And i had been travelling on the road taken easily

Here i am a strong minded woman wanting to become soemthing if myself in the world of men

With the extra weight and all

With the extra hate and all

But i was part of the hate

And it was making me late

And i thought that there was enough kindness in the room to dissipate my anger in the mornings

As my devils were still sleeping

But suddenly i realised there can only be so much love before it shrivels up 

As i was asleep when it should have been watered

And i was wrong when i should have been right

And i was weak when i should have been strong

And i was upset when i should have been smiling

And i was gearing my cells to the wrong wavelength

Things should be getting done 

Things should be here on my lap

Not on theirs

Things should be near not far

Things should be happening

Good things

And i wonder

How many thorn mornings will i have to endure

Strangely our little angel is with us

But i realise our devils are just too great 

So here we are 

All apart

And all together pricking each other

And am scared from these itches were inflicting 

And these pains were deepening

And these moments were changing

And these traumas were suffering 

Easily and slowly

Its like the isis of love has come upon us 

And little upon little am scared of a disaster

For there are too many thorns on his skin

And there is only so many words that can be spoken as balsam

Thorn mornings... what is your medicine?

Must i pick out each one

Your pricking my family and my heart

Must i detox

Or become an amjad lover

Or be like my grandmother

An absorption of sponge love

And baring torment

Must i change the room

Or maybe the hours

Or maybe the clock 

Thorn morning- please go away and never come back another day

Leave me and my family alone

We want to drive together when the day starts and love each other and laugh and be merry

But because of you - we are not happy

And earthquakes are opening our base

We are falling

Thorn mornings

I will fight you

Until i change you 

First

No more salt

Second 

Lots of faith

Third

A dream of love

Fourth 

A wave of independance

get back to bite you

blessed and stressed at the same
do they work
never

for you could think of it like you're very lucky or you're not
and you could be selfish, narrow minded and difficult or kind and open
exactly like those who are kind and open with you
and you could go backwards or forwards
and you could feel stuck or take a deep breath and find open air
you could get blackened with smoke or you could run to safety
because feeling stuck is suffocating and doing the same thing wrong over and over again is also
maddening
so fill your life with courage options love and positivity
dont hate love and dont love hate
dont think with a black mind and dont see things as you think they are
just adapt and remember your thorns will get back to haunt you and find you
like yesterday

Where did it go... 'me?

Am i safe?
Am i kind but unsafe?'
Who am i
Where am i
Why am i like this
Feeling lost amongst thousands of escapades
And weak amongst thoysands of horses running by
And here i am
Hiding
Finding
That i am afraid but mean
But angry all the time
From people that just anger me
They may not deserve my anger
But i cant help it
Because im weak
I type this and suddenly feel
Hey why have i stopped writing
Didnt writing make me feel cool and honest with myself?
Wasnt writong a reason for falling in love
And then theres chicken with rice at 2 am
How many cycles do i need to get rid of that?
And then theres feeling like ive done a hige mistake
A big one
An irreversible one
I may have done a mistake or mistakes
But i am not a bad person
And so i am learning
And it is ok to learn

reediting ... pre Ramadan

imagine an escapade of dreams bouncing into your life becoming a reality when you shouldnt be telling people your secrets but instead you do and you find your strengths in your weaknesses and your kindness becomes a sword for others to die upon. i

dont think am a nice person but people see me as

and i

dont see myself as worthy

of all thursdays

and all these plans

and all these papers

and all these methods

and all these strange but beautiful things

and i

dont see myself in stability of creation

always forgetting

always beginning

never finishing

I wish i wasnt the woman i hate seeing in others

this crippled thing where we told her not to do it 

but she did

and now she simply has no life , no dreams, no prosperitity

marriage simply.... roped her and she never knew when she wore that glamorous dress with sparkles and tied up her hair with diamonds that she was really being kidnapped into a world of commitment ... but commitment that just doesnt deserve. the type of commitment you dont want to have

the type of commitment that is ugly

you just give your life to someone who doesnt deserve you 

I

do deserve the best

but am i the best

and I

do deserve to fight 

but am i winning or losing

and i 

do deserve to ask forgiveness

but forgiveness for myself ?

and i

do deserve to give others my all

but am i the one? 

and i do deserve it all

but am i selfish?

what is the difference between selfish and self love ? between selfish and purity of soul offering only whats right

you see

i am a good woman tainted with life

and i am a good Muslim tainted by laziness

by lack of commitment 

by lack of fear 

but i should be afraid

because i am only a minute thing in the grandness of Allah's decadency

and I although want to create want to be want to have want to prevent want to go want to pass want to be learn want to eat want to live want to kiss want to sleep want to pay want to get want to gloss want to dance want to listen

am just a minute thing in the grandness of things

 i need reediting

 i need modifying

i need to commit to myself

i need to understand that this Ramadan is different that all Ramadans

for for the first time in my life 

i skipped a year

and for the first time in my life

i don't feel like a good person or a good Muslim

and for the first time in my life 

i am a mother

and for the first time in my life 

i want to win

the hearts of all .. beginning with Allah

lost without control >>>> pre ramadan tiredness

It is likely that you have been feeling a lot of pressure in your career lately. You may be wondering if it is worth the stress. Don't take your mood too seriously. Let a few days pass before making any radical decisions about changing your life. If possible, spend some time alone to think about what is really important to you. Meditation will help clear your head and better judge whether or not you are on the right path.




it is likely i am creating the stress for myself 
going low to the lowest of intervals of my life feeling like i have no control

remember i used to be lost but under control
now my hands dont leave my phone 
and i am a bad influence 
used to pray at the mosque and fight battles all the same
now he just fights battles feeling like i make it a losing one 

where are the words
the memories 
the strengths
the coping strategies that work
the love
the love for self
for harmony 
for baking
for studying
for becoming something


where am i 
what am i doing
where am i to allah
is this the person i want to grow up as ?
what is happening!


long time no hear
its like a room inside me is locked
where is the key
why cant i open the door to this room

if i did find the key
what would i find inside
what am i looking for in this missing room

is it a room beautifally decorated but empty
is is a room filled with things
what things
beautiful clothes
qurans 
my family
lots of certificates

what am i looking for 

i feel like im only using a single mode of my brain
like its just jammed
there is nothing else working but what im using now
limitied programs
limited settings

just a tiny part of life
is what im living 



to be continued..... 

Are you the best you can be?

Its not everyday ur in the silence of a hongkong night where 2.14 am seems an exciting proposal a surreal experience a breathtaking memory given by allah to me
And yet here i am with an expensive ticket and useless thought
Weak body and weaker mind
Silence here is expensive
But i continue to cheapen the time by forgetting allah
By being scared
By being demanding and persuasive as they say.

To me, a night like this is a distant memory of fictional truth. Sturdy buildings stand to uphold me as i attach to the truth of a young woman whose everything is forgotten , because she forgets allah .
And yet he is always there
Giving
Showing
Helping
Protecting
Guiding
Offering

Always there
Making things happen
And yet here i am

Worried about red instead of being grateful
Thinking of anger when i should just throw it away
I mean dont even let them onto my mind
But i am a sensitive woman
A strong sensitive woman
A strong sensitive smart woman
A strong sensitive smart sincere woman

I am also accurate in less accurate ways
Plus exciting
Plus love life

If so then. Why do i demand to stay roped up
To stay feeling tired and weak
And like i need to be this way or i was made like this
Not true
Anything you can be
Anything you can change
Habits
Old ones new ones anyones no matter how so ypu can let them travel down the path you want them to . Like this road youre on now
You can even write everyday

And imagine
You can become a better person and even a better muslim
You can be tremendous at what you do even if you are a beginner now
You can be enrolled to happiness
True happinness
Not the type you feel when youre not really in control of who you are
But the type you feel whe. U simply are the best you can be
Are you the best you can be? 

negative woman

So many things
unbelievable
beautiful
amazing
expensive
with thought
and without
with love and without
with greed with selishness
with honesty
with behind backs
with effort and without
with trust and with lust
for things
just things
things i need
things i dont
things i must have
things i see
things I ask for and things i dont
chances
all chances
taken and not
questions
answers
that i have and not
 trying
failing
a lot of failing
 a lot of unknowns
a lot of things
that i know or not
luck
a lot of luck
that i have
i definitely have luck
despair
guilt
breakdowns
selfishness
naive
all that i have or not


here i am
just so big
with things and with cells
and with sugar
and with things
because i can have things
everything
alhamdulilah
i just have things

here i am in pain
in mind
 and in body
in questions and in answers
mind
gone blank
mind gone downhill
people dont know




how selfish i am
how unkind
how silly
how mean
how weak
how dishonest
how.... afraid
and how negative


yes
i am
a negative
human being


so negative humn being


to be continued//////////

The forgotten iPad mini

Dear Sir
I am sorry
Rocking and being lost in the boat of abilities
Just a drama queen
A shopaholic
An unexposed criminal of emotions
Criminal thoughts of being happy
No. Restricted
For what will my red allowance help me with now
An executive order by one man is all it takes to destroy a whole lifetime of build ups
Challenges
Hopes and dreams
It all doesn't matter
It all doesn't matter
Just waves of actions and thoughts of rippling movements from lands and people you have never heard of
And it does affect you
The car parked
The wrong guy on the street

And yet when I do get chances I never try
And yet when I do get a dream I never thank
And yet when I do get a baby looking at me with those gorgeous eyes I don't think
I just melt
Her eyes
Melting my heart
My being
I am so happy
So lucky
So .... Different even when I think I'm the same
Allah gave me something he didn't give to anybody else
A daughter
And I'm so unique because of it

Yet so unresponsive to life
To questions
To memories
To life
To hopes and dreams
To things
To my things
And so I think that if I get more I'll be better
Think better
Be happier
Be stronger
All those things will not come to me
Like this

EMA- ( unwinding into being )

A new me
Free
Sitting unaware if now or later or vefore
Just sitting
Flat white
And i just might
Fall alsleep in my dreams
To become that woman
A woman
Right now
Any woman
I dont care
But behind my eyes
Its a lovely woman
A strong one
Easy going but dedicated and proud
And light
In thoughts and weight
Feelings not just pounds
Heavy with dedication and kindness
And a way that isnt new anymore
But hers
Life is hers
And i love it here
But i wont be here always
And breathing is always
Finding life and loving it is always
Forgetting the right things and
Believing in right things is the best combination
That combination of perfection
Within you Around u
Everywhere
Is
Just
Tamam
And eman
Is here
If i do right or wrong
Shes here
She must accept what i do and so i must be true
She is mine
And i am hers
But i am also her model her life her freedom her prison and herjoy and her smileand her tear
And i am nowhere but with her
Except i truly pray
...
Wait pray? I dont remember praying for a while
All i remember is worrying
Is forgetting the right thing
Is forgetting the honest thing
For allah is always here
Even when i am just pathetic
....
And eman doesnt deserve pathetic
Neither does momen
My family doesnt deserve empty words
Or an uncreative mind
Or broken thoughts Nd mind
They deserve the best just As i do