Stem cells for morning

There's no one round here as lucky as me in this moment in time
I ponder on my existence and remember how simply... lucky I am
for is Tuesday morning and my office even if temporary, even if for a day is beginning to look like elegance
and fact is
this is my first office and I will treasure it
even if for a day, even if for a week, even if for a year
I ask myself fighting in the morning is a real battle
but azera in a lip cup is a nice difference
and a good man is a great difference
but here I am ... oblivious to the fact
mornings are a nightmare

and then the worry kicks in
ohh dear

stem cells
I wish I could plant new stem cells in my mind to help me wake up t 6 each morning and do yoga and be nice

That cream smell...

I love the silence

I love how theres no one here

I love the quiet of the madness and i love me soaking in the haven of a peaceful home

I love the attitude of a healing place

The solitude that it collects from our misery in order to try build itself

I love the shaking of flowers

And brightness of just before dark

I love existing

I love existing here

I dont think i ever saw her cry

No i never saw her cry

I mever saw tears run down her face

I only saw smiles

I only saw now what i never saw then

I miss myself 

I miss myself

I miss the innocence the kindness

The woman i want and need to be imiss the strength

The good troubles

I miss sitting down enjoying the good weather

I miss this really great weather

I miss the pain of being right

And the strength of holding in whats wrong

I miss trying

I miss trying my best

I miss living for me and living for us andliving  for things that are wonderful

Like a good life one that youve worked hard for

Ive been sort of dead whilst living

Life after sanaa 7

Its strange how simple things can make u grieve and other simple things can make u happy

Like remembering how another sanaa danced on her wedding day her lifer hers and her name yours and i thought that day i hope to see u in her place and that will never come true

And it saddens me thus everytime i go to a wedding that ur name isnt around to wed

And yet my heart smiles at the joy of a friday sweet afternoon the peace of the house on a background of tv playing and the yards queitly humming to missing u the plants swaying and the air breathing hello to a new day 

And here i am on christmas day having had a good meal and a good cup of tea with good health and mind and family and tv watching coraline

Feeling happy

Really happy

That my life is jealously perfect 

silence

“Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven’t the answer to a question you’ve been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you’re alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.”
― Norton Juster,

What about the noise after someone close to you like a young 14 year old girl dies , and inside yu ask yourself is it true? what did her face look like again? what were her last words to me, her last touch, her last thoughts of me>? did she like me/? as a person, as a sister? as a friend>? or just someone she used to know....

now will never know ...and that is a silence true

what about the silence inside you that you cannot make go away its so loud
you cant stop turning with the mess here and there and everywhere
like a collection of breaking glass or is it a whilwind of mistrust between you and you
what about that silence that nothing has been done and nothing has been fixed and nothing has been created and nothing has been understood

what about that silence when you think what is the other person thinking of me and badly you know exactly what it is  its loud their silence and hteir unspoken words
and theire true their loud unspoken words
of you

yadooob garat!!!


i hate the words that come ut of me sometimes a sequestrum of my laziness
a fragment of my broken soul
a kite of my lost freedom
for i really am locked up somewhere


what about the silence when they tell you.... sorry you didnt pass , or it was just a pass
what about hte silence when its negative
what about the silence when you just dont know what to do and who you are anymore



what about all that negative silence ?

Good song ...

strangely .. i have no idea what song i wrote this for ...


remains to be a mystery

Love the feeling when you catch up on a good song
but life isnt always fulfilled you forget
that someone is asking for your help
telling you and telling you that they need you
and what do you do
pretend its ok
pretend its nothing
until it blows up

its a really good feeling to hear a song that you just heard for the second time
every one of us hears a song for the first time

but I also forget people that need me and care about me
cuz of my unfair laziness

I used to be lazy
now im lazy and mean
and unproven
im stuck

its a really nice feeling when you click on a song you know it will be good
remind you of a city lighted and a video on Mtv while life creates new memories
the cold breathing around you and yet you are heated to the core through....with faith
and entity
a song that compares strength with that romantic sensuality
elegance but sexiness at the same time
movement in rythym like walking without falling
spells of music make you fall into place

but you forget someone
something
somehow that is more important
you forget a lot of things
and thus your realm is weak
ready to falll apart
ready to break open
and flood with badness

lets face it.............you are a bad woman

120

Ive come to a decision
that things have got to change
I'm sick of being the same
sick of being wrong
so tired of thinking of other peoples mistakes
and making myself feel that im better than them
L'm not - im just as worse
in my own way
and im aching
in body and mind


wow
im aching
deep within my soul
straight through my system
far out of my mind

like brazils 7
am so out of reach
unsustainable with strength
and utter weakness and madness becomes me
 breaking within life
the show must go on
but im losing every minute

every second hurts
every second am out of control
and its all my fault

underprepared
or dont want to be prepared
feeling mad at myself for doing this

suddenly 109
Suddenly stuck
suddenly gorging with misery that i just cant get lower
suddenly being told what to do instead of asking what to do
suddenl so dehydrated i can feel it in my veins
suddenly thinking about will it when it
suddenly tormeted by grief at the loss of sanaa
and yet tormeted more at the thought i didnt do enough for her pray for her ask for her
be wit her have a sister relationship with her
tormented at things i didnt do couldnt do cant do wont do
tormented at being who i am
me

hi there.. who are yOU?

Being a bitch
Being lazy
being a pain o others and myself
being like a fist
being sore to my soul
being lost
being weak
being dehydtrated
being unhealthy
being a liar
being undevoted
being stupid
being lost for words
being abused by me
being tremendously undetermined
being underappreciated
being lost for concentration
being not the woman i used to be or ever the woman i want to be or ever the kind of person i saw myself becoming 

if she was bored..then what am I.?....

She said that she was bored
im bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
she said
at the start of the end of her life
she said it so many times
and then when he came
that man she saw whom no one else saw
she was stunned
i could see it in her voice and feel it in my heart
maybe she was a bit scared but i think she knew
but just as i had feared
her sound her voice her words her mind pulled me far from the girl i used to know
for she wasn't the girl i used to know
filled with life
no Allah
chose for her to be with no life and to find something else for her
some thing more beautiful

she had entered into the afterlife already looking into the space where you and i may not see anything
but she saw something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
I think she saw what she was seeing and knew what it meant although she was young she was a brave girl and she saw what she was meant to have see

and now here I am still not seeing it
what I'm meant to see

the life that Allah gave me
the hopes that I have and the promises that I can make
the trivials that i can win
and the smartness that i can reach
the life that i do have
the life that Allah gave to me
to use
to love
to have
to want
to understand
to believe
to enjoy


that is what i cannot see
all that beauty
and I come here
feeling unhappy
bu then i think about it
and I being to remember

....
how there is no salat subuh
thus chains around my hands
how there is no duaa
and no faithful habits
and no habits for myself
and so i wonder of course i am not happy
I asked Allah all the right things and when he gave them to me
I stopped
how much do I love him ...Allah and how much do I succumb to his intentions for me
well right now I am lost


but that is what 2016 is for.....

Reedit urself

Whats wrong? 

This was not the plan

Is it the water is drugged؟ or the eyesare hypnotised ? Or that u just cant belive shes gone ?or u are unkind to yourself 

Or that here you lose yourself

But the truth it is here ur soul on earth and here ur trusted land where u came from and where an angel like sannaa came from   is where u shud find peace 

For u are here and u have a chance use it love it describe it wear it own it have it touch it believe in it

A quiet night- post drama

Sneeze Away the old and breathe in the new don't take my disgust at myself a sign of weakness for I have found it is actually the opposite I am here to change and develop into everything I can be and I can be beautiful from the inside for I have learnt that beauty cannot be bought cannot be rented cannot be stolen it can only be found within u 

Within that heart of yours beating memorably

Within that mind of yours working wonderfully

Within those cells of yours craving happiness and the joy of the world 

Within those emotions of yours circling themselves

Within that anger inside you that makes you flock your wings like a peacock

Rather an unelegantfeather anger is

Within those fears of yours that can drive you the wrong way 

Within those smiles of yours thatch work wonders

Within those prayers of yours that can protect you from anything

That's where you find beauty within you

And around you

But if yo u lose your tongue it won't be beauty that you see I t won't be anything that you see

Remember Sanaas nodding

Remember how you are lucky to have the people you have in your life

Remember how your tongue is your connection to you r inner beauty

So what you say is a reflection of how beautiful or ugly u are 

Remember how honest you are

And don't let anything get in the WA y of that 

Remember the quiet 

That you must work hard to find 

And you should never give up

Remember it all

Sadness is the sprout for al things from there you learn to grow you learn to move forward but you also learn that there are other ways to choose

Like hope for hoping is a sanity

Not regretting 

For rethinking and regretting that which u think which u do is the true sadness

Not giving up 

For when u give up its like running back to the start again although you can see the finish line

Every time

No wonder you're sick of it

He's sick of it

For when you ooze madness

Your life will be decorated with chaos

That which you do not deserve

This year 

I challenge myself to open up and be all the things I wished I was

All the good words I couldn't be

All the fears that broke me I challenge them not let them challenge me

All the regrets. I ask them to simply convert into faith good planning and hope

For this year I will not challenge allah as I have done

I will easily

Succumb

No more excuses

No more procrastinating

This feeling thati am always under things

That i am always unable

That i am always disorganised

That i am always dreaming and not reaching

Has to go

This year 

I plan to be we with the man i love

With my family

With allah first 

I want to get all that goodness inside me and create waves of beauty

Create 

Allow for me to be over things

Things always get done

Get created

Get improved

And never

Feeling 

In the wrong path

Holdi ng the wrongs

Or feeling the wrong things

Hello .... No more

Hello

I am a new lady

Made / Remade

And feeling revitalised 

Hello

I am a beautiful lady

Knowing within myself that i Am myself

And just no more

No more

Yet through no more comes

Everything

Comes the beginning

Through no more will come life

Will come life

And i am waiting

And through waiting will come the hope i long to meet

Life after sannaa 6

Things are bad dear sannaa

I am here 

I promised you and i havnt done a thing

It scares me to go see what i will find

What i will find is your abscence and yet i must feel your presence

I promised but i always fail

You see sanabana 

I dont knowwhats wrong with me

Why  im like this 

I hate this

But i can imagine that u didnt want the treatment and yet u had to

U had to lose ur beautifil haireven though u didnt want to and yet i

Want to lose my weight and i truly want to

So whatsthe problem?

Greed

?

Devil work?

Dishonesty with myself

Am i putting through me what was putthrough u?

Damage?

Dear sannaa 

Ill never forget ur smile

The new 2016.... Coming soon

Dear hope,

The time has gone and you are still unfair to yourself
your time unmanaged
your body unfixed
and your heart ... unmended
you are still unable to comprehend the beauty of a cold silent day
like now
just yourself
and most miserably
you are unable to feel the delicacy of taking a big and wise decision


like
digging out your 24 hours from the rubbish bin
or picking up your fallen brain cells from the ground
or
understanding the truth within you
or
becoming someone you can be proud of


for the clicks of this fading laptop
make it a newly coming memory
tomorow you may pick up a new thing
a new piece of you
and when you take it home
what will it think of you?
what will it hope for you
and will it be filled with?

hope
wishful thinking ?
will you disappoint ?
as usual




I urge you to sit in this beautiful silence and just think



just ....think

Feeling unbeautiful from inside

What is beauty what is fame

What is the thing inside that makes you confident beautiful and then you take it a step further and actually are beautiful

You dress well and love yourself feom inside

And it shows

What makes you look beautiful

Sparkles or confidence

Or both?

What makes the thin line between classy amd trashy? 

What makes the thin line between a woman who owns herself and woman.... Notlike me

Far away from me

Although i have all the ingrediwnts

What makes me unable to bloom. 

Life after sanaa 5

Dear sanaa

I am very sad

And yet i promise myself a new day

One that you would be proud of

For i feel you are the fresh air gone in the morning dew and yet i feel you , your crisp freshness in my cheek

For i see your bouncy long hair waving in the background and you are flying happy young healthy and somehwere u deserve and you hair glistens in my heart forever

And i see you turn your head towards me one final glance your smile awkward with those beautiful teeth

Your dimples swinging joy

Your eyes glistening with sharp love

And i can hear your sweet unique voice

Goodbye

But you will always be with me sana bana my dear lost one

And yet i hold u in my heart

And yet you bloom in my soul

Flowers all colours joys and power for my existence

Ya allah give me patience

Ya allah change me

Ya allah dont break me

Ya allah help me stay strong not from crying but for believing that i can get through missing her 

Ya allah change me

Ya allah 

Life after sanaa 4

I cant believe youre gone

Its all a bad dream a bad day a bad nightmare a terrible moment in our history

I cant concentrate i said to them

I was soafraid

You too my sister

And i miss your texts

I miss your hug

I miss that last time u held our key

And how sweet u looked leaving

And you pink dreams floating above you

I still remember you 

And i will never forget you

Sanaa im so sad

But i know youre in a happy place

I know

Ya allah help us in this hard time

Ya allah let us change and turn this pain into something positive