Saturday, February 2, 2008

Echoes in my mind_ (Understand but not love)

No matter how much perfume I use
I can never stop smelling the irreversibility of my mistakes-
The pressure concaves me in the pits of decomposition – beyond beyond repair
I am gone – into a complex immorality of moral depression –
Life block
Thought shock
Everything is not how it was meant to be
I try and highlight to myself my identity
But time and time again
I scrape all my integrity
And smash it down the bin of betrayal
My head betrays my body betrays my life betrays my dreams betrays my innocence betrays my conceptions and so betrays me – me –
My extinctions of distinction
I sit in an attic of broken memories that I shoved there from the filled space of tears –
Files and files of history fill up my fears
I grow a full stomach of depression and a large diet coke still doesn’t do the trick
The sweet trick of minds
No sugar great taste
U can drink as much as u want and u will never get fat
How about that?
When it comes to love?
No - love piles calories of remorse no matter what u do
I’m sick of being sick with remorse
That I am not good enough for you
Completely shattered by the mistake that is trying to figure me out into something I just do not know
I force myself into a corner I was never meant to be in the first place

I’m sick of me thinking about you thinking about me – bad bad trick
And I cannot find the remedy
It’s a tragedy
That I can't stop thinking about you
My room is disorganized like my head is organized
Very very gone wrong
I would sing it like a song
If there was ever such a tune to follicle the madness of my words
No words though – no no words
That could ever fix me
Or jinx me into a better destiny
Just greetings into cracked weirdness
Weird weird craziness
That’s what they all see
That leaves them not look at me
Or worse still – understand me
None of them understand me
Even me
But the one that didn’t fall in love with me –
Understood me – and I knew he was hurt
By life’s tar burn
And he couldn’t turn back
Too old and too late to turn back
If I could just show him – that there is still time for everything
Maybe he would change and love me
But then he probably wouldn’t understand me

And that breaks my heart .............
I want to part with my heart
And get a new one
Because this one is just destroyed
Completely and utterly void
Customer complaint – It’s not doing what I tell it to do
It just does what it feels like doing
And it goes behind my back and tells my mind
To think things I never wanted to find
My heart isn’t my heart
It’s got its own identity stealing my name
It and I are not the same
Unit ----
It fights its own wars
Makes its own scores
For love and what other
I have no say
In what it wants to preach
I cannot teach - my heart to do what I want
My heart is my criminal offence
But now I cannot catch it to give it sentence
It has hidden behind the globes of my soul
Yeah my heart and my soul are ganging up on me
But today I’m just complaining about my heart
It’s beyond responding to meBut ---------
I cannot blame thee
Because it tried to be with me for me obey me listen to me give advice to me say to me hear me be me and be me and be me ----- a longtime ago
And I hurt it by making it love pain and cries
I broke it by promising it a million tries
Of a second chance
Of not loving someone who didn’t love me
Understood me but didn’t love me
I can remember the nights it slept dreaming of true love
And I dampened its hopes my making it fantasize only this love
Because that was the one love I wanted so much
My heart became inflamed from the soreness – tender to touch
Until I thought one day I misplaced it but soon enough it was rendered kidnapped
My heart kidnapped itself away
Never to stay with me anymore
It gave up and decided to run
From inside me –
Somewhere inside me
So now I have no beat
Silence is upbeat – where the hollow of my heart used to be
With my heart I can no longer see
It will never help me – look at things with heart again
I’m trying to replace its occupation
But it’s leaving me with chaos and devastation
You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone
And the other parts of me are missing my heart
That’s why my mind won’t start
So sad about the part
With my felony heart
It might just revolutionize too…………
(To be continued)

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -