Thursday, February 28, 2008

Simple tragedy

No fast heart break
Every time they see each other
They know they can never be together
But that doesn’t stop them listening to reality, and fall in fantasy
Lost in each others eyes, it becomes impossible to say goodbye
Drowning in each others mysteries
Trying to heal you by some mystical methodology
Without speaking, without words
Not allowed to use voice of my heart
But I want to translate how I can't be apart
From you
They let the skies cover their pain
Before their memories are splashed by the coming rain
Of broken promises and hurtful deceit
That emptied the closeness that touched them as they meet
But something inside is too hard to defeat
Renewed by your eyes, your softness your ….. everything
I try and grasp what makes me weak before you
But I just don’t know it’s a combination of staring into you
And finding everything I need to never let go
And I can't find it in anyone except you
You leave me pursue, all that is you
And I shouldn’t know these things – that could make us nearer
Passing the borders of danger as I learn more about you
But I can't stop you
They can never be together
Forever and ever
Spilling tragedy on the roads of their lives
And he must go that way and she needs to go this way
Within loves boundaries they cannot stay
Let me find you, let me pray
That we will break this some day
And when you hold my hand it will be ok
To heartbeat back into the rhythm of you once more……………

When I first saw you I couldn’t understand anything about you – that made me question you – and I kept trying to not care about the simple things that attracted me to you but quickly those simple things became heavier and non ignorable. I wanted to know how you think and why you did everything the way you do – I wanted to talk to you and ask you – find out about you - learn you – know you – with every move you made all I could do was stare and with every thing you said all I could do was listen and suddenly all I wanted and needed to do was be with you – I forgot about all the other things and I forgot about conformity and social standards and I forgot about problems – you made everything simple – you just made me feel – that all I wanted was you – and that I had to get you – I had to make you see – what you were doing to me – but my friend, my lover – you were unreachable – I tried so many times to attract you to my infatuation with you – but you were unreachable – I tried too many times to try and get you to do what I thought was simple – love me – but it proved to be the hardest thing in the world –and even though I never told you how I felt about you – I think that – I know that it still would not have worked – instead you would have kindly tried to reject me – and that would be the most painful thing I could let be – and now you moved on – but I’m still silent about my feelings in the same place – still soaked in your trace – memories that I can't erase -

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -