Sunday, February 24, 2008

Find me

Love – – it dances me to change my mind about all that I am – I want to change things in me for the better – I want to become someone I can relate to so much more – love for my soul has changed me into a reason for living – if I love what I need to be then I can hate what stops me reaching my prosperity of mind-

Every time I want to stop thinking about you, it’s like a code in my heart to begin dreaming of you. Whenever I promise myself to begin a story excluding your name, all I write is one and the same – something to do with you –

I never intended to dream an African mystery, in a dark paradise in my mind so crazy in its intensity – founders of darkness erupted your sweet blackness – the softest birth of a tribal virtue – I only dream you come get me from the war of loves starvation – I only fantasize you come find me from behind the shadows of our corrupted nation – I whisper to my heart to shako Zulu so u can trip gently into the rhythm of magnification – through the grey stones and puddles of my broken desperation – to lose you yet find you amongst the tears of kidnapped youth – you are my criminal truth – investigations into a hearts addiction – I diffuse to perfuse in the emotion to adore you blindly – you comb wet desire into my roots – I am hypnotized by your majestic swirl in my life wildly – I take no notice of breathing in your soul – until I am conjugated as one with your priorities –

I – love – you

Begging all my needs to not depend on you – your touch defines the wants of my questions – you are a tranquil system into my thoughts but do nothing but configure my mind into madness – craziness – how do I bless you with my desire / how do I change you into you – all I want is you – but this is not you – yet all I feel is your internal beauty shining upon me – I wait for you – I dream of you – as I watch movies and other couples kiss – its you I miss – I dream of you – as I write and fight – to not stop my strength – to defend my heart – against your rejection – too hard to get over your detention – set on me – that you never think of me – magically – my portals of communication are too weak to reach you – you see nothing – you hear nothing – you understand me – not - but you’ve all I got – right now – whenever I dream of you – I clutch my tears in my hand before they drown me – into a river breaking down to the end –
I want your exclusive smile, your hearts attention – your minds affection – your souls dreams – I want your souls dreams – and to share your silenced screams –
I want your morning, noon and night – your midnight glow as your eyes close to sleep and you wake inside to all the mysteries in your fantasies – your body relaxes to the soldier in you and you are silenced by your temporarily defeated strength – I watched you sleep into that night, a 2.45 am whisper of your shadow painting into me – I watched you but my eyes blurred with broken hope and torn chances with you – the light fell gently onto your skin casting the memories from within – but it was an un translated understanding – I felt so cold in the heat – I felt frozen in the invisible shade – shivering with the urge to hold you – come close – but fearing that you would wake up ----- and instantly how I felt natural it all felt whimsical – it all felt tragical

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -