Saturday, February 23, 2008

Last day of being twenty....

last day of being twenty
so many things i should have changed
such important things i needed to arrange
this year, last year - my thoughts were enlightened......... with madness
this year, last year - my heart was bombarded ................. with weakness
time flew and the air left me behind
until the last day of being twenty was all i could find
what did i want , what did i need
what did i desire, and for that how much did i bleed
what were my mistakes, my wrong calculations and blind accusations
where did i lose realisation and be a slave of imagination
when did i numb to sense and only be tense
how much pain did i gain and how many tears did i drop falling like rain
why did i give away so many secrets , why did i love so much till i was in debt
last day of being twenty
i reminisce loudly within me
silenced by what im analysing internally, and writing awkwardly
like an open book, i try and remember the pages of my finishing year
how many reports beginning with the word fear
how many hours spent in heartbreak
how many moments lying with soul ache

last day of being twenty
reminiscing dearly
about goodness and darkness
about yesterday and everyday
that i need to make better
sending tommorrow a letter
stepping into brightened weather
older and unique
wiser and owning a boutique - of determination
of continuation

i must
i will
i promise
to never say never
to never sleep into my dreams

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -