Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Echoes in my mind - (No, u don't understand)

I wanted you to see something else in me
Please don’t underestimate me
I’m afraid how wrong this is going to turn
When all I wanted was you to know
How u made me glow
But I was told over and over… and over
My mistake was in the depths of no return
I DID a huge mistake
Calling you
Calling you in my heart
I took too much from you
When u never wanted to give

The cold marches as soldiers in my body, engaged in a era of colonial trauma. Anguished and ambushed the freezing mentality of your refusal throws me in a battlefield of pain. I hide in the corners of my cries, fighting the swarm of enemies running to attack my defeat. I try and beat, try and win but it’s a sin, for my side to win. Troops of my love fall to the reign of your sternness, dictatorship of betrayal. My war is lead in the shadows of goodbye, a name to be forgotten by you, in the history of your romance.

I try and forget you
But all I do is remember
Its one thing figuring out the truth
Let it sink in the alleyways and pipes of my soul
That to your heart I can never call
And I hear from the distance the fates against my side
I needed something that you would never give me

I needed someone that is so far from me

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -