Sunday, November 4, 2007

Crying in mars

Premature drama screaming in my head
I am losing control
Tearing up my mind
I’m crashing my pride
My mistakes are too wide
I’m soaking in guilt
Breaking what was built
Dying in my thought
Incomprehensible and taut
I’m dying in my pain
I loathe my memories
I want to kill my fantasies
So illiterately wild
And sending me to madness
Where I’m gone fanatical
Trying to find answers
Trying to find reason
Begging that my life isn’t treason
Trembling that I am wet with shame
Blurting from me like inadequate fame
I seem to only gain more
I don’t want what the future has in store
Nothing is sacred within me anymore
Ugly tarnished core
I am raining with empty space
I cannot distinguish my face
I have drowned the reality of my trace
A bargain of failure
I have sold my savior
To the hell in me
To the trauma I see
Yet cannot never be repaired
Because I’m turning into wrong
And better at locking myself up
Than ever before

I need fresh air
To breathe in care
That I am too weak to ask
Such a heavy task
Although it was easy just a while back
But I smashed of the track
Can’t find my way back
Gifts I lack
Too dumb for the journey
I’m too stupid for my eternity
Leaving things fall out of meaning
I am not strong enough for determination
I am blind for sweet faith
I must find home
A place if just one thing is familiar
If maybe one thing was similar
To the pictures of my identity
But my identity is a stranger
Never further
Never scarier
So indistinguishable
So disastrous
The mess that’s become famous
Like an actor urging for claps
My body is urging for straps
So it doesn’t KEEP RUNNING into traps
I’m slipping into collapse
I’m crying in mars
So close from there but still can't reach the stars
My confusion is an explosion
And from the small earth so far away
I can see a broken light
Traveling in a lonely night
To break to me the news
That you are nearer than you think
To never waking up.

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -