On tuesday

Was religion class and driver fighting

She used to love going to class on tuesday

For religion for clarity

And so she died on tuesday

I remember

She once told me

She was a 7 month old baby in big big sudan

Everyday theyd come ask

Is she still alive?

Yes theyd say

Is she still alive?

Yes theyd say

Until she got bigger and stronger and turned into a fascinating woman - one that i never really got to know

Because i never really tried

And then  came the day 

When they asked

Is she still alive?

And came the answer noone wanted

No

I remember she said she grew a baby in her and 

Gave birth to him

Only to hear he died

And she knew she could not bare to see that child and live on so she said

 No i cannot look at him

She said

And so she buried a child she gave birth to anddidnt  even lay eyes on

I remember how showers

Were life to her

Glistening afterwards so relaxed

And tea 

Lots and lots of tea

Breaking fasts with tea

And that morning coffee

And how she lost a husband 17 years ago

And marched on 

And then one day her stomach turned on her

And brought her agony

All 

The

Time

Forever

And boy did she complain !

From that bugger malaria

Everyday or two

Or three

And infections

Here  there and everywhere

And knee operations

And eye ones too

Boy oh boy did she survive

Always faithful, always the same piece of 

Kind humanity 

I remember the story of walking home with

Her son and a neighbour and their child

Where her son kept saying to the neighbours one

Take off my clothes

Take of my clothes

The neighbours son had no spare clothes and had to change his dirty ones

But her son wasnt having any of it

Give me back my clothes

Give me back my clothes

She was so embarassed but i always only heard pride

I remember how much she prayed

And visited everyone

And always treasured visiting God

And all the many telephones she rang

To everywhere

Today our lives are all so very very queit

And our phones are all so very very disconnected

For she was the only connection 

I remember how her son put her wedding sandal perfume  in the washing up bucket

That struck a nerve or two in her

But she always told it happily

In fact i never

Ever

Ever

Saw her angry 

Truly angry

No 

I never

She used to say she had a long line of patience and when that finished there was no stopping her anger

But i  never  not once ever saw her really angry

I remember

Friday breakfasts without fail

Even when we didnt want them

Even when we didnt care

We always used to pick them up in the afternoon

And the suksania 

Oily and sugary and full of grandma love

And karkadah and aradeeb and gongolez 

Were stubborn but reliable and beautiful

Always in the fridge

And so was her solid faith

And unquestionable dignity

And love for others

Even when they clearly didnt deserve her love

And i could list a few who did not deserve her love

Including me

Life draws on strings and makes people angry

Forgetful and short coming

Thinking only of today tommorow and next week

Noone thinks about death when not picking up the phone or being angry about being late

But now i have to live with the pain 

And the emptiness

And the sadness

And the remorse

Fridge or handrail

It doesnt matter

What matters is i annoyed her more than i was soft

And i was mean more than i was kind

And i was angry more than i was calm

There were some horrible days

And then mostly ok days

But ill never really know

What monster i was

Ill just have to ask forgiveness

What i do know is i loved her

And this feeling now of loss is so

Agonising

Like ive lost a deep deep part of myself

With all its goods and bads

And all its naivities and despairs

Things we meant and things we didnt

Things we hated and things we couldnt do

Things we said and things we hid

Things we couldnt hide

And things we had to feel

Its all over now

And i am the mix of good and evil

What shall i call myself?

I just dont know

Trust others when you dont even trust yourself

Hit the allow button for all

Except dont allow yourself 

Grant permission

Except to allah

Tick yes

Except for happinness

Believe youre doing the right thing

Except when it comes to you

Dont try harder

Dont even try

Stay ill minded

Stay sad

Afraid

A true loser

Youd love to be a mother to you

Wouldnt you

Ah sure just great

No mistakes

No badness

Wouldnt she be proud

Sure shed want you anytime

Loser fearful pest

Instead of

Steong capable happy KIND woman

You know what 

Just go away

What are you exactly

i could type in what i fear or i could type what i can do about it life is glorious but it is alao hard splitting screens isnt a great idea its filled with confusion which part of you is open amd which is closed which works and which is broke let me tell you the only thing i can do is be myself i cannot make people love me although i can certainly make them hate me and i can t cobtrol what others say but i can control mine and i cant control what others want but i can tell myself what i want i can live towards what i want and that makes me happy for example if someone buys cookies for the house they havnt made me eat them if i eat them its really nothing to do with them am not saying its easy to resist but i am saying it is my choice and if somwthing angers me i could act by the spider tongue or i could not and if i forget i could remind myself and if i fall i could pixk myself up i could not let the words all of this because of a traffic signal become me or i could let it haunt me i could be weak weakness just as strength is is a choice and i could believe that what i feel nevermind do reflects on her and what i do will come around and i what i want will happwn if i am a good person because whats the point in being evil and then asking for kindness this new beautiful phone has come at the most undeserved time treating everyone like rubbish the worst myself the truth is i feel ashamed i feel like a bad person like that horrid uncle mean arrogant wicked sly to people who have only loved me to be continued

where are my pieces

the valley between going back and going forwards the area of looking behind your shooulder although your feet are taking you on the condition in which your mind says you can do this! but also says are you sure? the place where your attention damages you but your eyes cannot see except wrong you then become lost although it seems you are under control for then it doesnt matter how your days go how your weeks go or how your life goes there is no aim not gratitude for yourself that hurts escpecially when you went from clear to foggy from sharp to blunt from focused to blurred from clear to hazed from outlined to irregular from you to ... unlabelled let me tell you if you cannot give yourself what you desire then no one else can and let me tell you if you start putting blame on others just because it feels good then your a silly woman and if you start believing that your life is not worth fixing then thats a shame like the x in the phone that became dead but your fought on until you got the better of the deal how come you dont fight for yourself like that? by fight i mean respect yourself, honour it, do not take it for granted think about it Allah always does things for a reason and i truly and honestly believe that with all my heart when i take what he gives i love when i start to rethink and regurgitate hopelessness thickness becomes of me i have stories i have magic i have attitude i have dreams and hopes but i also have a beutiful life that should merge with those not intersect and fly by merge i am stronger than believe but i am also way more arrogant than i let on as for selfishness i am both in the right and wrong and with fear i should not let it carry me away or move me in anyway for fear only comes when you dont believe in Gods plan which i do with all my heart i give my fears to you allah i give my life to you i do like the best proposal because i love you with all my dedication and i thank you for all i dont deserve but you still gave me and give me for you are rich and we are poor and yet you flourish us and keep us elegant and warm take me as i am but help me fix my holes dont give up on me and let me beat the storm of mind you say do not follow the steps of the devil for they will lead you nowhere but into destruction you say the devil only promises your poverty and i promise you richness isnt that beutiful? such clear guidelines such moving forwards such one way instructions and i am here listening and yet... i am not the complete jigsaw pieces missing here and there where are they those pieces? this is the road to find them .... to be continued

After there was love ....

there came despair
a period in time when the most promising relationships broke
in pieces
with secrets in the flesh
with dirt in the heart
with words never explained
and a new meaning of harming time
one would think
i never thought this would happen
that we would come to this
that i would come to this
.... feeling so small , i cant even see myself anymore
im just so small
inside and out
a big fat elephant no more powerful than that tiny mouse

and yet here I am, just like the day the great driver said he was leaving
on the way home from work , i realised such a comfort had to be amputated
and it hurt
but i was quick at it
and i never looked back

here so
another amputation came
within the hour of the morning at such rapid speed before my tea got cold
i realised this place was no longer mine
but what was really degrading
was how i realised that all this time i was in a big joke
thinking i had some say
thinking i had some power
thinking i had some right

thats what was really hurtful
i found out today just how important a zero i am
and then came the accident
after there was love... just another way of confiding within me that my fears
are
somehow in some way one day one way
correct

and no person would ever love a person they were forced to be with
today was a learning experience and i was put to the test
the show must go on
and the tears must stop
and the pain must be shut and the forward sign turned on

because after there was love
came life
and misery and joy combined
someone looking out at the beach in such silence and unhappiness god knows what they are thinking of
or who they are thinking of

and yet one day we were the best

like what it should be 

but that day ended on the steps of an Omdurman home in Sudan, very far away in time and feelings

age matters
so does the helmet and the jigsaw puzzles and legos and marker tops and game sticks and fallen spoons

it all makes an impression
that thousand impression
of the one acting like a doctor
tapping into the lie of smartness

yes thats me
im as dumb as i feel
a corner of turned muscle with a failed treaty and unreplied to emails, looming deadlines and unturned dreams, yes its all there. behind these fingers and in front of these eyes
the unused memberships and the legs that take me so close and yet i can only sit and watch from outside

it doesnt matter who the lash is from
it only matters where its going
all making an impression
of who i really am
and thats
a turned muscle and sore hips woman with red eyes and a broken voice.

a woman that enters dark secrets and places find nothing and returns only with the tears
a woman trying to make a woman out of nothing
for there are just so many holes everything drains out
the information, the attempts, the anticipation of a new day, the hopes of success, the fears of failure
it all drains out of me.....and somewhere after love

Pandemic times of me 5_the forgotten ironing

Dear God
please let me have the best connection i could ever have with my daughter

i ask you that this connection grows and never falters and strengthens and never wilts

its really painful to lose connection with someone you love dearly
very frustrating and like the stop sign of your movement

this morning i received good news
only to be stopped signed by the ironing and torn tissues
you see its not seen what i do
it doesnt matter
it never reaches the heart
the disconnection is so real it makes me want to anguish in the predicted anger
shes always angry at me
shes always distrusting of me
shes always non believing in me

shes always out of love
with me
shes fine with others
she can conversate and laugh and ask and wonder and joke
but with me
shes always angry

and i find pain in knowing i am so similar to her and yet so enstranged from her
and that i will always love her and dont want to judge her but she
does judge me - severely
in fact her judgement is now so mountainous that my shoulders bleed
i hate ironing
thats all
and i think that being cool with kids is sometimes easy on the mind for both sides but discipline is also a part of me -
i also really like my work and like the person I am when i work but  then the dishes are never done from her perspective and so im a complete failure

but then
i must remember that her obstacles, other women have been employed with and her anger towards me is reasonable
our passions are just not the same
her role is also finished and mine has started but the merging is wrong between us
generation opposites and tradition v modernity can sometimes play with fire

she thinks and i think
i feel and she feels
im tired and shes tired
so there no room for understanding

Pandemic times of me 4_worst of my worst

the battle is real
failed and miserable, every night i turn into a cold blooded woman of nothing
 i dont know who I am
as the clock of my worst rolls
i roll into a sick adventure
they say you cant do the same thing expecting a different result
so i do the same thing and get the same result of pain
of destruction of anger and despair
its inside me

like a broken film
its around me
like a massive dinosaur
roaring and attacking
and yet.. the room is silent ...and black

everything at this moment is wrong
and i know
i have upset the most critical

and i ask myself
why cant I?

why cant i be the best
why cant i suceed
why cant i pass
why cant i write
why cant i focus
why cant i do the right thing

what mess have i gotten myself into

its clear
dont go near

its obvious
its detrimental

its loud
this is not sound

this ramadan
i was at my worst
ever
faraway
but then
i gained insight for the first time in my life
and i grew strong
i knew and felt for the first time how the devil interfered
and then
i asked myself
why cant i fight
why cant i win?

and now i ask myself
what am i doing?

Pandemic times of me 3_ personal pain

Take it or leave it 

its here with you - something that you cannot let go of

something that you cannot exchange with anything

you have to feel it

you have to understand it

you have to listen to it

you have to want to heal

otherwise its pointless - 

go to episode 1 and forget 

when you're ready come back

if you cant sit with the pain

with the anger

with the hatred

with the feelings you have of you

then just go

if you cant imagine anything else

if you dont want to reconstruct

f you dont want to ask questions and hear the answers

then just go

dont play around

dont pretend and definitely dont lie to yourself

you either support yourself

or you dont

theres no middle ground here

yes ill be good sometime and i wont be the next

but let me tell you

its takes one step

and then the next

listen to yourself

listen

listen to your man

listen to your real findings

not the fake ones

and be patient

be present in your pain

your personal pain

pandemic times of me 2

Dont love something that is bad for you

and Dont hate something that is good for you

because you fall apart and get lost in the cracks

you become painted with misery and find no light to find you

you source the love but also the pain

and the pain is addictive and hard to get rid of

you spend the time like its drug money

you need more constantly

you start to lie

you start to hide

you start to forget 

you start to sit empty in the dark 

you start to lose

your life essentially

you lose meaning

its silly

but its real

and although its tremendous what a good story can do

its more tremendous what a  sick heart can feel and what a tricked mind can do

choking in dreams

those are the true handcuffs

that is the real punishment

not loving yourself 

not loving yourself enough

not loving yourself at all

not wanting yourself

not caring about yourself

not looking at yourself

not being there for yourself

Pandemic times of me

Aaahh what better way than to drive solace and need in a human than get back to the first ever constituents of life

silence


patience


time


This time.. where theres enough time to hear the wind blowing and the leaves swaying
is a time that will never be found again
if you want think of it like a time of desperation where out of the unknown there is one thing for sure


Time can not get cancelled
so use it wisely and happily

Remember - you are what you believe - and you are the conclusion of your efforts and your thoughts
you cannot be two
you cannot pretend
you cannot expand without truth

so be truthful with yourself
who are you really ?


A mother of two?
A smart woman?
An energetic human?
A lost soul?