On tuesday

Was religion class and driver fighting

She used to love going to class on tuesday

For religion for clarity

And so she died on tuesday

I remember

She once told me

She was a 7 month old baby in big big sudan

Everyday theyd come ask

Is she still alive?

Yes theyd say

Is she still alive?

Yes theyd say

Until she got bigger and stronger and turned into a fascinating woman - one that i never really got to know

Because i never really tried

And then  came the day 

When they asked

Is she still alive?

And came the answer noone wanted

No

I remember she said she grew a baby in her and 

Gave birth to him

Only to hear he died

And she knew she could not bare to see that child and live on so she said

 No i cannot look at him

She said

And so she buried a child she gave birth to anddidnt  even lay eyes on

I remember how showers

Were life to her

Glistening afterwards so relaxed

And tea 

Lots and lots of tea

Breaking fasts with tea

And that morning coffee

And how she lost a husband 17 years ago

And marched on 

And then one day her stomach turned on her

And brought her agony

All 

The

Time

Forever

And boy did she complain !

From that bugger malaria

Everyday or two

Or three

And infections

Here  there and everywhere

And knee operations

And eye ones too

Boy oh boy did she survive

Always faithful, always the same piece of 

Kind humanity 

I remember the story of walking home with

Her son and a neighbour and their child

Where her son kept saying to the neighbours one

Take off my clothes

Take of my clothes

The neighbours son had no spare clothes and had to change his dirty ones

But her son wasnt having any of it

Give me back my clothes

Give me back my clothes

She was so embarassed but i always only heard pride

I remember how much she prayed

And visited everyone

And always treasured visiting God

And all the many telephones she rang

To everywhere

Today our lives are all so very very queit

And our phones are all so very very disconnected

For she was the only connection 

I remember how her son put her wedding sandal perfume  in the washing up bucket

That struck a nerve or two in her

But she always told it happily

In fact i never

Ever

Ever

Saw her angry 

Truly angry

No 

I never

She used to say she had a long line of patience and when that finished there was no stopping her anger

But i  never  not once ever saw her really angry

I remember

Friday breakfasts without fail

Even when we didnt want them

Even when we didnt care

We always used to pick them up in the afternoon

And the suksania 

Oily and sugary and full of grandma love

And karkadah and aradeeb and gongolez 

Were stubborn but reliable and beautiful

Always in the fridge

And so was her solid faith

And unquestionable dignity

And love for others

Even when they clearly didnt deserve her love

And i could list a few who did not deserve her love

Including me

Life draws on strings and makes people angry

Forgetful and short coming

Thinking only of today tommorow and next week

Noone thinks about death when not picking up the phone or being angry about being late

But now i have to live with the pain 

And the emptiness

And the sadness

And the remorse

Fridge or handrail

It doesnt matter

What matters is i annoyed her more than i was soft

And i was mean more than i was kind

And i was angry more than i was calm

There were some horrible days

And then mostly ok days

But ill never really know

What monster i was

Ill just have to ask forgiveness

What i do know is i loved her

And this feeling now of loss is so

Agonising

Like ive lost a deep deep part of myself

With all its goods and bads

And all its naivities and despairs

Things we meant and things we didnt

Things we hated and things we couldnt do

Things we said and things we hid

Things we couldnt hide

And things we had to feel

Its all over now

And i am the mix of good and evil

What shall i call myself?

I just dont know