Wednesday, November 25, 2020

On tuesday

Was religion class and driver fighting
She used to love going to class on tuesday
For religion for clarity
And so she died on tuesday

I remember
She once told me
She was a 7 month old baby in big big sudan
Everyday theyd come ask
Is she still alive?
Yes theyd say
Is she still alive?
Yes theyd say
Until she got bigger and stronger and turned into a fascinating woman - one that i never really got to know
Because i never really tried
And then  came the day 
When they asked
Is she still alive?
And came the answer noone wanted
No

I remember she said she grew a baby in her and 
Gave birth to him
Only to hear he died
And she knew she could not bare to see that child and live on so she said
 No i cannot look at him
She said
And so she buried a child she gave birth to anddidnt  even lay eyes on

I remember how showers
Were life to her
Glistening afterwards so relaxed
And tea 
Lots and lots of tea
Breaking fasts with tea
And that morning coffee

And how she lost a husband 17 years ago
And marched on 
And then one day her stomach turned on her
And brought her agony
All 
The
Time
Forever

And boy did she complain !
From that bugger malaria
Everyday or two
Or three

And infections
Here  there and everywhere

And knee operations
And eye ones too

Boy oh boy did she survive
Always faithful, always the same piece of 
Kind humanity 

I remember the story of walking home with
Her son and a neighbour and their child
Where her son kept saying to the neighbours one
Take off my clothes
Take of my clothes
The neighbours son had no spare clothes and had to change his dirty ones
But her son wasnt having any of it
Give me back my clothes
Give me back my clothes
She was so embarassed but i always only heard pride

I remember how much she prayed
And visited everyone
And always treasured visiting God
And all the many telephones she rang
To everywhere
Today our lives are all so very very queit
And our phones are all so very very disconnected
For she was the only connection 

I remember how her son put her wedding sandal perfume  in the washing up bucket
That struck a nerve or two in her
But she always told it happily
In fact i never
Ever
Ever
Saw her angry 
Truly angry
No 
I never
She used to say she had a long line of patience and when that finished there was no stopping her anger
But i  never  not once ever saw her really angry

I remember
Friday breakfasts without fail
Even when we didnt want them
Even when we didnt care
We always used to pick them up in the afternoon
And the suksania 
Oily and sugary and full of grandma love

And karkadah and aradeeb and gongolez 
Were stubborn but reliable and beautiful
Always in the fridge
And so was her solid faith
And unquestionable dignity
And love for others
Even when they clearly didnt deserve her love
And i could list a few who did not deserve her love
Including me

Life draws on strings and makes people angry
Forgetful and short coming
Thinking only of today tommorow and next week
Noone thinks about death when not picking up the phone or being angry about being late

But now i have to live with the pain 
And the emptiness
And the sadness
And the remorse

Fridge or handrail
It doesnt matter

What matters is i annoyed her more than i was soft
And i was mean more than i was kind
And i was angry more than i was calm

There were some horrible days
And then mostly ok days
But ill never really know
What monster i was
Ill just have to ask forgiveness

What i do know is i loved her
And this feeling now of loss is so
Agonising
Like ive lost a deep deep part of myself
With all its goods and bads
And all its naivities and despairs
Things we meant and things we didnt
Things we hated and things we couldnt do
Things we said and things we hid
Things we couldnt hide
And things we had to feel

Its all over now
And i am the mix of good and evil
What shall i call myself?
I just dont know













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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -