Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Pandemic times of me 3_ personal pain

Take it or leave it 
its here with you - something that you cannot let go of
something that you cannot exchange with anything
you have to feel it
you have to understand it
you have to listen to it
you have to want to heal

otherwise its pointless - 
go to episode 1 and forget 
when you're ready come back

if you cant sit with the pain
with the anger
with the hatred
with the feelings you have of you
then just go

if you cant imagine anything else
if you dont want to reconstruct
f you dont want to ask questions and hear the answers
then just go
dont play around
dont pretend and definitely dont lie to yourself

you either support yourself
or you dont
theres no middle ground here
yes ill be good sometime and i wont be the next

but let me tell you
its takes one step
and then the next
listen to yourself
listen
listen to your man
listen to your real findings
not the fake ones

and be patient
be present in your pain
your personal pain


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -