Pandemic times of me 4_worst of my worst

the battle is real
failed and miserable, every night i turn into a cold blooded woman of nothing
 i dont know who I am
as the clock of my worst rolls
i roll into a sick adventure
they say you cant do the same thing expecting a different result
so i do the same thing and get the same result of pain
of destruction of anger and despair
its inside me

like a broken film
its around me
like a massive dinosaur
roaring and attacking
and yet.. the room is silent ...and black

everything at this moment is wrong
and i know
i have upset the most critical

and i ask myself
why cant I?

why cant i be the best
why cant i suceed
why cant i pass
why cant i write
why cant i focus
why cant i do the right thing

what mess have i gotten myself into

its clear
dont go near

its obvious
its detrimental

its loud
this is not sound

this ramadan
i was at my worst
ever
faraway
but then
i gained insight for the first time in my life
and i grew strong
i knew and felt for the first time how the devil interfered
and then
i asked myself
why cant i fight
why cant i win?

and now i ask myself
what am i doing?