Tuesday, April 14, 2020

pandemic times of me 2

Dont love something that is bad for you
and Dont hate something that is good for you


because you fall apart and get lost in the cracks
you become painted with misery and find no light to find you
you source the love but also the pain
and the pain is addictive and hard to get rid of
you spend the time like its drug money
you need more constantly
you start to lie
you start to hide
you start to forget 
you start to sit empty in the dark 
you start to lose
your life essentially
you lose meaning
its silly
but its real
and although its tremendous what a good story can do
its more tremendous what a  sick heart can feel and what a tricked mind can do
choking in dreams
those are the true handcuffs
that is the real punishment

not loving yourself 
not loving yourself enough
not loving yourself at all
not wanting yourself
not caring about yourself
not looking at yourself
not being there for yourself


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -