Unsettling

Death is always unsettling 

Always moving

That time u lose someone near or far

Im sure

Ur heart skips a beat

U think 

Oh no 

That was the last time

And it simply hurts

U hurt for the loss

The empty space

U hurt for the sadnessthat they have to endure

The good and the bad memories 

The short and the long

U have to endure time and moments where u have to be alone

In important memories

U have to endure all the disorgznisAtion

The bad news

The tears

The everything

And then... 

Youhurt for being selfish

For all the times u were jealous

For all the time u were mean

Or all those times u were broke

U wish u tried

U wish u cared more

U wish u did things better

U wish u remembered the last time

Or the last fate

Or the last smile

Or even that last push

Theres always a last time for everything

And i just hope all my negatives are done

Always wrong

If u just shut ur mouth 

U didnt hear

اتقي شر الزول ده 

اصلا انتي اتاريك ضعيفة 

ما مرغوبة قريهة 

قايلة نفسك زول وانتي ما زول 

امشي شوفي حاجة تعمليها 

امشي شوفي زول تقنيعه 

امشي شوفي زول توريه كيف بتعملي

كل من لسانك كل من كلامك

كل من قهرك لي نفسك

عشان كد بتخلي الناس اقهروك

كل من كل شيء

عدم الاحساس

عدم التوازن 

عدم الاحساس

كل غلط

كل غلط

كل غلط

كل بطال

كل شين فيك

كل شين فيك

انت انسانة قهرة 

انت انسانة اليمة

The suprising girl

Its so strange

This smart girl

Talented smart even flirty and yet

The black consumes her

I cant understand why

Why couldnt she be white or even grey

Why black and just making me wonder

What the hell does she look like 

Should i ask? To see her

Should i ask her why is that part of your brainnot smart like the rest of u

Or isit me

Im too open

Too stupid to realise and accept 

Herchoices

Maybe cuz she doesnt have to worry what pple think of her

It up to them to imagine

Not up her to help them

I can just guess the relief of no uses to anythinno makeup no perfume no nice headacarfs no nice clothes

No nothing

Just black

And then i wonder of he did like her

What it would be

Would it be not applicable

Or a womens all wedding

Hes too cool for that 

With too many friends

But they flirt! 

Why is she talkative and pictures herself and even a selfie!

Now thishas to stop

For The mind cannot understand

Its either black or nothing

Or no black with everything 

اليوم الاسود

انت لا تعلم يا حبيبي كيف انا احبك

مثل الموج البحب الهواء بيضمر الارض والحياء ليرقص مع العاصفة

ومثل ما يحب الوحوش ابناءها ولكن تسبب نزيف ابناء الاخرين

فهذا الوحش مثلي

لا يفكر في مدي جرحه لك وللاخرين 

فانا هنا اتمنا سماع صوتك ان كان خير ام شر

واتمنا رفضك او حتا اهانتك او حتا عدم مشاعرك 

سوف استحمل يوم او اثنين

سوف استحمل الا ان ترجع تحبني مرة ثانية

فانا الان افهم مدي قرهك لي

افهم مدي صبرك

فخليني انا شوية اتصبر 

وخليني انا شوية اقره كل شيء 

وخليني انا ايضا اندم 

وحتا اتراجع

وخليني اكون مثلك صارمة

و خليني اكون مثلك ما واضحة واتاخر

ولاارد ولا اهتم بي قلقي 

انا لا اهتم بي قلقي اذا انت لا تهتم 

ولا اهتم بيدمعي اذا انت با تشوفهمولا اهتم بي كلللللللللل الكلمات الكتبتها لك اذا انت لا تقراهم 

بل فقت لبني بدون سلام ....

taxes

its sad
life is sad
i am sad
that things are so complicated when they shouldnt be
and I understand the issues but i have no answer
like how a young laptops a is not working
and how there is so much pain in one heart
and how one may feel against someone
although that person is really kind and sweet
and now everyone thinks theyre bad
like those movies and series
where people dont find out the truth until the very end
I want to defend everyone
but i cant
and the result
from the best I love you to the worst good night
I hate it
and i dont even know whos fault it is
but i guess its mine
I guess it mine
for i was told
not to defend
and that they can defend themselves
am always ruining things
am always breaking things
am always
being stupid with glass
and forgetting that even the most beautiful glass
can
slit open a throat bleed
and  a simple 100 hundred pounds
can become the nightmare you didnt ask for
and travel of people you love can be so crucyfing
you miss them so much
and anger can be dreadful
and loss of agreement can break old agreements
and everything can defragment
just defragment
and all those words you used
can be like burning inside you
and then everything turns queit
not the quiet you imagined
no this is a negative night
but i didnt see it coming
no in the car everything was glamorous and kind and cool
but emotions are destructive
I felt the twinge the moment i made bad judgement
bad judgement
isnt that the falling
isnt that the crime
that i have to pay for ?

It angers me

It angers me

The shit treatment

It angers me

The crap i see

It angers me

The frustration in this house

It angers me

The denial like mountains

It angers me

The imbalance of things

It angers me

The disgust of words

It angers me

The business of people in others

It angers me that business like a-scorpion

It angers me

The hate all around

It angers me

The ill fair treatment

And it angers me all

That i just cant do anything about it 

push up ...its january

whats wrong with me/? oh whats wrong me
all the excuses , all the drama, all the pain inside me
and for what?
nothing
here I am in  beautiful balcony
a locked up princess or a free woman of the future
my mind is clogged
with sleepiness
with laziness
with fer
what makes me different from all those famous people
whats wrong
why cant i push myself to do anything
why cant i believe to be better
why cant i notice whats happening and wake up to my truth
why cant i do this
if life was a day
what would be the most important thing?
are you just waiting or something
do you think one day your life will fix itself to whtever you desire
do you think one day it will all be different
what if you got the good news
now that is a real dream coming true
that free gift from Allah
are you feeling better?
i hope so
but dont forget the pain of a night broken
or 2 steps back
or a month of waiting with failure at the end
the only difference between a bad day and a good day is yor attitude
this is a good motto
for here i am on a day off with electricity and good food a good man my man and a new tea tray with heart shaped biscuits and a purple laptop with a pink quran and also 8 new plants in navy coloured vases fresh  and divine with azera coffee , probably the only ones on this earth and a clean home, with oven cooked sausages and a health and healthy family and internet that works and money to have to give and womens magazines to have and to give and a new fountain in the process and even icecream and eyes to see across and ears to hear the syrian music downstairs and fan to break the heat and move the wind to calm me and a yoga mat and and and
yet i feel sad
the truth is this is mddening and saddening and devestating
and on the first month of the year should just stop
i firstly am uncomparable
yes im a mess and am lost
and am weak and am tired
but am uncomparable
i am tarnished but i am not broken
i am dirty but i am not uncleanable
i am noisy but i am not unabel to queten it all

sanoya albanoya was cute to hug
i loved hugging her
when i have children i will love hugging them
and it is all a treasure like today

she had long hair and white skin and a crooked beautiful smile and looked like tuba that beautiful turkish actor and was super thin but had no life to live
i have life to live and i want to live it
with all its pleausures and pains but wit a good attitude
and i have memories to make
and hapiness to give and new earnings to take and strengths to feel
i am the same age as youth
i am the same age as love
i am the same age as trust
i am the same age as confidence and purity
and i will not let myself down

When u understand

Wow

Yesterday was a huge shock

An insight into myself and my lack of incapabilities

My lack of anything

For i felt more inferior than my own land

So i cried

Remembering how mean i was

And how shallow iwas

And how tough i was

Balancing my thoughts on something completely wrong

Thinking i was up against someone 

Thinking i was up against the wrong

Thinking i was right all the time

Thinking i had the right to do all that

Thinking thinking thinking and yet i was thinkkng completely wrong

For the truth was i was not thinking

I was not fighting i was not understanding

I was evil

And i was worse than what i thought i was bad

My mind froze When i heard the news

And i was just as sad as when they said other bad news to me

Because i felt shattered amd heartbroken at how awful id been

Amd there was no way to fix it

There was no way to be kind

I was sad and sad and then more sad

And i felt i didnt deserve a thing

Didnt deserve a thing

To be continued...

Remember the patience .... in 2016

But it is a new day

And although you feel terrible

Nothing is short of a miracle

And nothing is lost

Just start again but this time

Learn from your mistakes

Because there was something wrong and you know it

Use that frustration and sadness and loss and put it in your body for good

What benefit is it to scream, shout, get angry, get depressed? Maybe you're closer than you think so don’t regress

Step forward and improve, step back and relax

Love your body and accept that it is hard but never gone

Take time to breathe for look at yourself

You're a mess

You’ve forgotten everything in life

You’ve even forgot how to be calm and happy about say breath and family

Support yourself

Don’t give up on yourself now

Everything will be alright

That bullying you hate so much

Don’t do that to yourself

For your wall is standing up tall and proud

And your nothing short of a smooth clean elevator

Don’t look at yourself at how others criticise

But how you see yourself

Take the challenge

Be richer

Be happier

Be stronger

Be intentionally amazing

But never be shallow, never be mean, never be boring, never miss a day in your life

Those are your mistakes

Keep learning , Keep learning 

Promises... In 2016

Where are you

When things are happening

Showing up and missing

Showing up and people laugh

But its not laughable

Like how your mind prepares

And your heart prepares

And your body doesnt

Or how you feel that words are coming

But theyre not the real thing

Or how things are supposed to go

But i need to promise myself things

And not burn them

Like start new plans, projects and periods in my life

Filled with hope and not despair

Filled with hope of tommorow being the tommorow i want 

And the tommorow i need

With hope that i can have sweet moments and sweat

And a new process and a new life

By 2

Ya allah 

Forgive me when i am wrong

And although i cannot be part of their team

I can be a part of yours

And my own team

My beautiful family

Ya allah

Let it be my day one day the feeling

Better than my weding

For i realised its unprecedented

That feeling im waiting for....

And whn you knock on my door

Ill be here

Begin again

Inshallah that will be me one day 

Inshallah im not going to fret about it

And all will be ok

Inshallah whatever happens i  am here...

I  am here

Please save me from the pain

hey there
i beg you to stay calm
stay patient and enjoy the moments no matter what happens
enjoy the pain and the worry even
for its all a part of the process
and its all a part of the joy
or the ... heartbreak
but even then its all a part of life

Hey there
i beg you to be strong
and be queit , but be positive
ya Allah please be positive
I beg you enjoy every moment
the not knowing
the not knowing
the thinking
the overthinking
the worry
the fer of being heartbroken

Hey there
I beg you to enjoy every minute
and everything
and stop the drama inside your head
for this is unprecedented
and its unimaginable
and it really is
really is unbelievable
so try to believe what you can
and maybe it will come true
for hey
this is your year
and Allah is with me
I know
just like he helps me and continues to help me
I know he will help me this time
I know
even if red shows he will help

Ya Allah help me
save me
save this thing happening
save me from the pain
Ya Allah save me from the pain

Ya Allah oh Ya Allah
I cant imagine
I cant believe
please help me to imagine
please help me to believe
and please help me to trust myself
and my thoughts
my mind please stop my mind flowing like this
and let it flow calmly
please let my mind relax
please tell me what to do
please show me
please show me
please save me
please save me from the pain
Ya Allah save me from the pain

Ya Allah I m here

Beg of me

There is a dream i hold that ibeg unfolds 

A dream i hold that begs use

That begs love that begs truth

That begs a wonder

A

Tear

That begs of me to change.... 

Think hard about where u are right now

i am here ...

every second that passes clean is a miracle
its new territory
its advanced
its different
its scary
and the results will be detrimental if im wrong
but i am winning
and i am in a new galaxy
in a new part of the woods
no matter what happens
I have to be strong whatever the result of its sbscence
and i have to be proud of my actions
and i have to be unproud of the bad ones and fix them
full stop
fix them
and if this is true
which i see no reason for it not to be for i deserve it
and no matter what happens i still deserve it
then i am here for you
i am here waiting cherishing savouring the moments
the little moments

Im always hungry....

But what am i hungry for..???

Hurt by you

I keep looking over my shoulder

Hoping youd be the next one here

Hoping ud be happy, proud and here

Even if tired

For this is... Nice

And i gave all my food away

Finishing first

As lonely as a poor man with no food looking at everyone elses

And i kept saying the excuses for you

Even though they were true but 

A tear so hard to stay in my eye

And so bad if it falls

For its a negative

You are not here

But worse

You didnt understand a thing i said

You didnt create a new for me

You didnt make an exception

You didnt make me count

Kind regards

Hurt by you