Get off the motorway 1

I
am reunited with a crossroads once again
here in a few moments I have a choice once again
I have a way to either cry to either die
or to either live
to want something good or stay wanting the easy
to dream in the depth of fantasy
or to swim back from to the shore
in a few hours I will have a choice
to eat from facebook or to eat fruits and vegatables
to write whats smart in me or to rhyme whats poor in me
to be a normal ordinary woman or to be a unique extra ordinary woman

I
am given a junction i have been on the motorway for a long time looking for a junction to exit
looking for a way to change lanes and directions
searching for the right way to make it onto a new path
keep driving in the wrong direction
there is no other way
for the road behind you cannot walk back on
just ahead
just ahead
and now for the first time in a long time I see a  junction opening
headed - ' next exit for hope'

there is a problem
...the lane is small, tight , not well tarmaced bumpy, not enough lights, very steep
very uncomfortable

I
 look to the other way
oh so easy
big big motorway
well lit
well straight
well known
headed ' stay on motorway for devils ville'
such a beautiful road


all the nice dreams are littered on the sides as restaurants to eat in
all the nice fantasies are dotted as hotels to stay the night in
the most nicest journey it seems
look! look at that dream flyover! if i take it i will drive even faster to devilville
oh look at the free sleep !
i could be happy on this motorway
but one day one day a deep pain says inside me
the motorway will end
and one day I will reach devilville....

I
pull really hard to take a look at the junction i have one chance to go on

next exit for hope
next exit for hope

my body hurts
my mind splits
NO!
stay here
my eyes cry
my fear comes alive
my soul screams
I WONT HELP YOU
HUUNGER
FEAR
LONELINESS
attack her!
she must stay on this side of the way


my heart beats faster
it doesnt knw what side to be on
......

I
fight
to steer the hydolics of my life's direction
the wheels screech
NO!
attack before she rides on the right road!
my eyes roll to the motorway once more
I can see the difference
who would want to go on such a difficult road
and leave the big big motorway
the one where you can have all you want in the journey
the one where you can stop anytime and do anything you like and never feel hunger or pain


I
feel nauseated
I feel weak again
the junction is here now
its comnig i hvae one more chance
my hands are heavy
my hands are numb
I am heavy with trying to combat my desire to stay on the comfortable motorway and between my deep knowledge that this is the wrong direction
the right direction is so hard and unknown but it is the way to hope
sccrreeeeeccccchhhh!!!
I take the junction........


TO be continued/.........