Friday, February 17, 2012

between dreams & danger 1

lost in between
and yet the centre is clear
I feel torn between how my heart wants to feel about someone
and how it should feel
I feel torn between my good dreams and ugly dreams
between my soreness and my comfort
i feel sad that sometimes I have to hide, hide things
thing s I really want to say, things I really want to say
but there is no way
that can be
here I am today
dreaming of something i didnt dream of before
ever ever before

and now I think
 this is really what you want...isn't it
do you really want what you've been dreaming bfore or was it pretending for you?
i feel unloyal
i feel confused
but most of all i feel shattered into existence collecting my own pieces
through an underground suburb
most of all i am afraid that i am losing and not winning
that i am erasing a part of me each day with anew one
but in reality i am fading out myexistence
the toll will come
and I am on the motorway
wondering how am I ever going to pass the crossbar.............

to be continued..........

_________

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -