Echoes in my mind _ (a long one in madness )

how many  times can i die
how many times can i try to fly
how many times can i hope
how many days till i cannot cope

how many hours is it till the end
how many mistakes will i send
how many moments will i despair
how many things will i not repair

how many ways can my heart be broken
how many times will i get a free token
to survive in another chance
to stop and get out of this nightmare trance

how many tries will i be given
until i will never get another try to enter heaven
will there be a day where i will have to be
stuck outside the door of 'you couldnt just see'

that all inside you was rotten and feverish
to a heat of calamity you were arrogant and selfish
losing your way because you wanted to
passing the time because you had to

never try to really work hard
you never could from pleasure be barred
no you had to feel lust and desire all for yourself
and now you've missed out on your true self

you could have been on the inside of eternal bliss
you could have felt an erotic loves kiss
not in an inentionally wrong way
no in an absolutely heavenly day

you could have gotten all you ever dreamed
you could have touched all you ever  deemed
excrutiatingly far away and dangerous it seemed
but honestly you just never was right enough to see how it gleamed

and wasnt as bad as you ever thought
and wasnt as hard as you ever brought
this story to a complete and utter mess
and you brought this fantasy to  a complete and distinct chess

of a queen who couldnt even win the game
even though she had the power and the rules to have all the fame
of goodness and aspiration she could ever move
but she just stood still and let the devil groove

all that was royalty inside her
all that was brilliant and brighter
all that was magical and after
she threw away ever after

i could go on about the damage in  my soul
damaged and dammed there is a place i call
but none can hear me and i fall and fall
fall and fall and fall and hit the wall

and there is no more hope for me to ever wake
for i have given my all and put it at stake
for a little bit of pleasure and a lot more pain
for a little bit of fantasy i was very very vain

how many tears will i have to cry
how many fears will i have to try
until i find that all my pain is here
awaiting me to feel it clear

how many hours will have to pass
how many dramas will have to dance
hhow many moments will have to fade
until i pick the colour that suits my shade

I am not this that or the other
i am a certain t ype of another
I am not this way that way or ever
going to be something like you never

i am different to everyone else
stop trying to change the silence of strength
and make noise with the weakness of you
and make ppower with the ugly in you

how many words will i have to write
until i give up and i give up the fight
how many actions will i have to dare
until one action is the right heir

to a new day and a shooting star
that i watch cross the sky not so far
many years ago awaiting its truth
even if im no longer in the age of its youth

i wish upon time to go back
i wish the impossible and i wish i attack
alll my senses and start again
and find the centre of the earth inner my zen

try to make sense of a lost argument
and you'll find its all just lifes instrument
to play out of tune out of sync out of life
to become the odd, the unhearable the slice of a knife

in the broken oorchestra of tonight
i write and write and write
looking for a word to suprise me
searching for  a change in my history

in the shattered of the night
i fight and fight and fight
to be the different to be th strange
to be the better but i am still deranged

from all that is right easy and beautiful
from all that is good simple and changable
from all that is kind honest and faithful
from all that is new older and intertwinable


with all that is gone done and sung
all that is useless clueless and flung
out in open destructive years
the wounds still open from thse passing spears


of warrior time
of dry time
of awful time
of a time i miss

when i am chained outside heaven
watching the kiss i wished i would have
watching the girl i dreamed i would be
watching the ground shatter in me

outside heaven and i take my time
noooooow you have all the time in the world
to cry cluster clatter and call
to the devils near and far and down and deep
call call call with you they will seep
n your collective misery as one with the other
let them finish their day job and come crash yours
look thats me and i cannot be with her
your fault we just did waters wanted us to be
drown you clown nothing to do with us you see
i cannot grasp clasp or rasp anger or regret
they are right they are correct
they are tearing what i suspect
to be true
i am here outside watching my dream
i am here inside creaming my lean
meats of torment taste of fury
not one in a million can simmer this bean
this doesnt make any sense
i am lost in madness..............

the 25th chapter.....

on the 25th chapter the book has been scattered so far
the plot in complete and the emotions blurred
so far on reading i read incompleteness
a shadow of inability
and a hint of poor method

on the 25th chapter the writer changes , the author tightens their grip on their story
suddenly the focus is clear
i can understand what is happening
i want to follow this story
i think
i am never gona give up on this book until i finish it

on the 25th chapter
i think
this book is now becoming very good
its a sudden twist to the story on this chapter
this chapter sounds promising
i want to continue reading
i know i cannot skip on
and so i must take it as the pace that is possible
but i will find out what happens

on the 25th chapter
i love this book
up until now
i was barely interested
it was a boring behind
it was difficult to continue
it was hard not to sleep

on the 25th chapter
a bright combination of words arise
a sharp sentence becomes 2,3 becomes a paragraph

emotions i can feel
theyre so good
i love them even if theyre bad

feelings are beautiful
tears make sense
love is protected
time is unwasted
body is tuned
mind is loved
heart is gold
eyes are unforgotten
I am filled with hope

as  i start the 25th chapter

changing pictures 2

i work write a time in my life that is just beginning
I write about a day that is just starting
focussed and clear
happy amidst atmospheres of a strangers land
 I am no longer foreign to my own body
i am no longer missing any jigsaw puzzles to complete the picture

even if i have plenty of land to walk
even if i am afraid of how long it will take and how hard it will be
even if i sometimes feel like nobody understands me and i am walking alone
I know ..that does not make me sad
it only makes me stronger
better
and from on
smarter


I write a moment in history where change is seen
where change is here
a tale of my story
that is just on the first page

to be continued......

searching for the missing sultanate 3

i.....am lost for words not as usual
usually i write a lot of words when im lost
therefore i am
not lost to write
rather i am
trying to find words

i have been searching for the missing sultanate a long time inside me
a long time
i know she's there that beautiful woman in side me who is strong beautfiul and religious cool and really is a hope to see
sometimes i came so close but then it would all runaway
and now here i am
25
and
going to try again
this time diffrently
this time correctly
this time succeedingly


I ....have less words strangely for a very important time
for a very important day
strangely i dont know whether i should write about the past or today the present
or the future
should i write about my feelings or my actions
my aims or my challenges or should i write ryhmyes about waves and sultanates

there is a b lock on my heart today

but it is to keep the drama ...out
today is a beautiful day
a new day
a happy day
a miraculous day
a day in my history
a day i have been given a present in .... life
it is a day where you can be pulled from normality and enjoy the unique day that is yours to be happy in
yours to be quiet in
strong in
today is a day where you can recollect your heart again for all the pieces come together
no matter what the break was the pieces come back together
and its up to yo to reunite them
to never let them go again

searching for the missing sultanate...2

behind the walls she screams my name
come find me i'm here and in plain
for you have not coloured me with brushes of wellbeing
you have tarnished me with your ugly visions
behind the walls she punches the concrete
she is so strong but she is still in defeat
because i broke her time and time again
the woman within me who needs a friend
who needs a hand
who needs to be in command
for she is the better and the stronger
she is the sultanate that should be here
she is the sultanate forever lost

changing pictures 1

is it raining or is it shining
is it clear or is it fear
is it dark or is there a spark
am i strong or am i wrong
am i sensational or am i degradable
is there a heart where i can start
believing and achieving

or is there a soul that likes to fall
am i here or am I there
am i demanding without understanding
am i jealous even if not obvious
or am i competitive and want to be serious
is there a difference between who i am and what i want
between what i want and what i can achieve
between what i can achieve and i actually achieve,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Get off the motorway 1

I
am reunited with a crossroads once again
here in a few moments I have a choice once again
I have a way to either cry to either die
or to either live
to want something good or stay wanting the easy
to dream in the depth of fantasy
or to swim back from to the shore
in a few hours I will have a choice
to eat from facebook or to eat fruits and vegatables
to write whats smart in me or to rhyme whats poor in me
to be a normal ordinary woman or to be a unique extra ordinary woman

I
am given a junction i have been on the motorway for a long time looking for a junction to exit
looking for a way to change lanes and directions
searching for the right way to make it onto a new path
keep driving in the wrong direction
there is no other way
for the road behind you cannot walk back on
just ahead
just ahead
and now for the first time in a long time I see a  junction opening
headed - ' next exit for hope'

there is a problem
...the lane is small, tight , not well tarmaced bumpy, not enough lights, very steep
very uncomfortable

I
 look to the other way
oh so easy
big big motorway
well lit
well straight
well known
headed ' stay on motorway for devils ville'
such a beautiful road


all the nice dreams are littered on the sides as restaurants to eat in
all the nice fantasies are dotted as hotels to stay the night in
the most nicest journey it seems
look! look at that dream flyover! if i take it i will drive even faster to devilville
oh look at the free sleep !
i could be happy on this motorway
but one day one day a deep pain says inside me
the motorway will end
and one day I will reach devilville....

I
pull really hard to take a look at the junction i have one chance to go on

next exit for hope
next exit for hope

my body hurts
my mind splits
NO!
stay here
my eyes cry
my fear comes alive
my soul screams
I WONT HELP YOU
HUUNGER
FEAR
LONELINESS
attack her!
she must stay on this side of the way


my heart beats faster
it doesnt knw what side to be on
......

I
fight
to steer the hydolics of my life's direction
the wheels screech
NO!
attack before she rides on the right road!
my eyes roll to the motorway once more
I can see the difference
who would want to go on such a difficult road
and leave the big big motorway
the one where you can have all you want in the journey
the one where you can stop anytime and do anything you like and never feel hunger or pain


I
feel nauseated
I feel weak again
the junction is here now
its comnig i hvae one more chance
my hands are heavy
my hands are numb
I am heavy with trying to combat my desire to stay on the comfortable motorway and between my deep knowledge that this is the wrong direction
the right direction is so hard and unknown but it is the way to hope
sccrreeeeeccccchhhh!!!
I take the junction........


TO be continued/.........

between dreams & danger 1

lost in between
and yet the centre is clear
I feel torn between how my heart wants to feel about someone
and how it should feel
I feel torn between my good dreams and ugly dreams
between my soreness and my comfort
i feel sad that sometimes I have to hide, hide things
thing s I really want to say, things I really want to say
but there is no way
that can be
here I am today
dreaming of something i didnt dream of before
ever ever before

and now I think
 this is really what you want...isn't it
do you really want what you've been dreaming bfore or was it pretending for you?
i feel unloyal
i feel confused
but most of all i feel shattered into existence collecting my own pieces
through an underground suburb
most of all i am afraid that i am losing and not winning
that i am erasing a part of me each day with anew one
but in reality i am fading out myexistence
the toll will come
and I am on the motorway
wondering how am I ever going to pass the crossbar.............

to be continued..........

_________

16-50.5

you just wait why dont you until it bcomes 51-50.5
it wont take long it wont take long
I break again
I miss again
i fault it bad again
i find sanity in the insane
I lose voice over myself
i lose control over myself
i miss out all over again
i miss out all over again

simple poem about the love I search

it's true I am looking for love
its funny how when im given it even a little
I hate it
its totally the wrong person
it repulses me
and yet secretly I ask for love
I beg for Gods love
and I beg for my own
and I beg for the handsome soldier how I am yet unprepared for


I can never find love in any song
I can never find love in any story
not the way I wany
always always there is something missing
there is something broken
something that I want to add
and if I dont control it
it grows and grows and grows
until I lose

crack the viscious cycle
stop the untitled mess
lose the viscious fury
of a useless stress
think of a new way
think of a newd ay
where you dance
where you invent
where you become 'hoyija'
no where you become the hope you always wanted

 hey little secret dont say a word
im looking for the man who loves his lord
the one who understands all I mean
the one who shares with me this beautfiiul deen
 the one who loves me for who I am
young, sexy, faithful and sharing his plan
of life, love, honesty and lust
I am looking for a man that i can trust
minor details i cannot draw
but how he makes me feel glows and glows
back and back to true good love
I dont want to share him with the one above
no i want him to love god everyway he can
and then love me in his religious plan
yes I want to be his precious wife
who he madly loves all his life
but I also want to be my own woman
one who lives and dies for God as a faithful human
one who depends on quran and family alone
and is never alone
is always strong
confident and rarely wrong
not proud or arrogant
just beautiful



yes I miss beautiful poetry

getting my life back.......

waking up after a long nightmare
I look around to find the remains of a beautiful woman
torn by tears
having been lost by her fears
and betrayals
waking up after a long time
I realise the only bad dream I ever had
I created
waking up after a long vision
there is no vision
but success
now
my heart is my own
my soul is going to learn love
true love
not fake lust
 in myself I will trust
with my mind I will challenge
the world
I will challenge them all and
I will pass
I will pass it all
with flying colours
because i deserve the best
 and inside me there is the best woman

there is the most faithful woman
there s t he most beautiful woman
there is the most traditionlly modernwoman
there is a woman with utter respect and knowledge
there is a woman who will show herself
who will show herself..........

searching for the missing sultanate....I

If you go searching for trouble you will find it
if you search for history you will dig it out and whats buried will come alive
if you search for fear you will find it in the eyes of another
if you search for fear within yourself you will learn, learn so many things about you
patience
if you have patience you will get goodhtings
if you learn patience you will become a good person
if youtake your time you will make a beatiful woman
if you look hard enough
you will find a tarnished woman dying to come out
if you think sweetly life will taste nice
if you findthe inner strength you can become a different woman
altogether
rememberwe do not know how life will turn
but power is in your hands and in the hands of God
so do not fail your power for you can do a great deal under gods rule
the woman i want to become wants to find the queen inside her
wants to find hte rules and sultanate and the winning deal
wants to find the right thing and to combine myself as a whole sultanate of my choices and my emperor
I want to be the best that I can be .............

an ideal woman....

An Ideal woman has managed to successfully balance and unify herself, her looks, her personality, her soulfullness,...and not just on a surface level but to a level of real depth. She has become whole.

no more.....no more.....

In the morning I discovered a voice had died
I never care about things like that
but suddenly I reminded myself of days and memories I had forgotten
songs that mean so much even when i was just born and they waited for me those songs until i grew up to care about them
suddenly i revisited a chapter of love tt means a part of what i search
suddenly tears for stoeln words so beautiful and beginnings so good and endings so sad
stories so deep and dangerous
I suddenly was jolted into a lane
of treasure
a perfect tune?
I always search for the most perfect song
always for  the best
i never find it
because im really looking forhte perfect inside me

i have nothing without god and faith and here I am searching for a higher love in all the wrong places
I will always love you,  god even if I dont listen to the things you say, even if i think i hate life even if I am lazy and naughty that is not the real me I really should be an unashamed beautiful woman, one of those days i will be and i will let god know that he lights up my life and i am very grateful for that . I am selfish now looking for it all at once but when you believe that it is all written in the stars and that I belong to you and you are made for me , when u stop worrying and remember that he was made to love me and I was made to love him and that I am saving all my love for you - if I told you that youll never stand alone if you have patience and honesty and deep integrity then you will get your life and peace back you will get it back so dear hope until you come back and until my love you find the miracle that is right in front of you , I will inhale and exhale and sruvive and never give up on ...I'm knockin on the door waiting until you open and let me in, until you let yourself in, I am waiting for one moment in time where you are hapy where you look to the sky and know completely that you are queen of the night but you must you must work for this , you ask why does it hurt so bad the reason is because you are not takin a chance, but if you start over and find the strength within you , I will run to you, hope and it will never be just the lonely talking again...........

Title 64

Beautiful Days.........
are those that you take care of
those that you empower and make strong
beautiful days are those that make your scent petal and your heart metal from pain
beautiful days are those that never go away in memory in equality
beautiful days
are those that you fight for and win
beautiful days
are ones that you want your life to be made out of and to be created from
I feel terrible so selfish for a beautfiul day
doing wicked thnigs to get beauiful day
lying thinking they are beautiful days
they are not
they are not beautiful
they are 'pretending to be' beautiful
I am so happy for this beautiful day today
my dreams came true
one dream cametrue so why not otehrs can come
yes they can and all i need to do is fight .........

Title 65

Those were sweet days.....
so why didnt I stay?
inside them
wrapped with their infusion of trust
pronounced by their defence against lust
those were sweet days
never broken
never outsoken
never failing
never staled
always fresh
always sweet like
fresh pastry,cake and biscuits
but in the right size and time
always sweet like cardamon tea
in the perfect consistency
I
miss those sweet days
that i cannot define
but want to make the spine of my days now
I missthose sweet days....
every part of my life now
ther is a separation from good and bad
strength and weak
ugly and beauiful....
beautful....
how do i make a beautiful day>?

Title 66

Whats left between my hands are the remains of a past i used to scent sweet
I used to love kind
I still remember the feel of sibha beads silking through my good hands
my heart beating at the right pace
my mind awake to the internal of life
I still see the young girl sharp and innocent begging god for something i will never know and yet Im almost certain she will get it
I dont know but her honesty was trivial her courage and my curiosity were matched with temptation to ask the same question
please god forgive me
whats left between my hands are the broken ages of a woman missing
her shadow swept by the wind
taken by the string of future
woz ere
whats left between my hands.....
anger
frustration
fear
denial
always in denial
suscpicion
time waste
time destruction
time infliction of hurt

I feel time cutting me with its sword
suddenly i feel old
useless
past the age of other young women
and i think
what happened
am i Not hte same age as those ladies/
?
yes
but I do not feel like htat
I do not think like that
I do not breathe like that
I breath
to die
and not to live
whats left between my hands
are the old pictures of smiling girl once thinking a massive future is ahead of her but simply
put
little did hse know

that her own life was taken away by her own hands and strangled and  that is whats left between my hands.............

Title 67

Lonely man is the one without faith, is the one without patience, virtue honesty, truth and bravery Lonely man is the one I can see and hear for in my dreams I only pierce imagination that is bullied into existence lacking in all dimensions and unique courage - i never dream about starvation of kind, about intensity of mind, about equality in love about hardship and nearness of death and power all combined to meet a long long time away - I never dream about escape Lonely man is the one that does not escape from troubled pasts and meaningless journeys into time - lonely man is the one who lives for this world who jsut wants employment of a lost valley just because of a little water......... I title - do not ask for a lonely man ever die better but then are you not a lonely woman filled trepidation to live happy to live without influence of devil and weak soul? are you not the lonliest of women there can be? how then can u sak for the man that is ....... yours