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Defeated yet I try and defend the undefeatable

Broken wings but I try and fly high to another lifetime

Black soul yet I want see through white eyes

heavy mind but I want to make it feel lighter

sad story so I want to change it happier

repulsive existence so if I could only cover its existence

bleeding fingers but if I keep covering maybe it will hide

walking short so stop walking altogether

falling apart so continue to slice through the pieces

damage nerves until something inside unclicks

rain heavily yet attempt to see through freezing glass

shiver constantly and look at the warm jacket next to you

never pick it up just think about wearing it

about what it feels like...the warmth

dream about the way your body will sink back into natural temperature and become normal agian

but in reality shiver until you explode with minus love

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one two all days

but I cant find this episode..... the day where 

or the day I 

or the day when 

keep searching just keep searching 

search under here

type using this 

maybe its under that 

keep searching for the day thats missing

never stop looking for the day thats missing

but what about today?

isnt today missing searching for tommorrow?

........................................

I don't want you

Hold on......I don't need this
your sympathy and your lies
he looks down upon me from the skies
broken hearted but able to depend on a million other beautiful people....and then some

I don't need to see this or know about this
I dont want your lies
they collectively dont mean anything to me
I dont want your weakness
There are stronger people than you
stronger better cleaner
I dont want to even look at you
you smell of evil thoughts
you look of dirt under
you feel of criminal ties
you hae a wicked glance over you
tormenting you?
No its tormenting me but all I do is forget you like you forgot me
all I do is throw you like youve thrown me
all I do is empower others that have empowered me and have empowered themselves through me


I tried....I tried to help you save you show you
but you still embarrass yourself time and time agin
fail to see
fail to be
fail to stop yourself
or start yourself the right way
I tried to give you
I did give you
but you wanted more
or....
you are never happy with what I give you
everyday I showed you your strengths I showed you that you could be better than yourself now and that you are better than others but you didnt listen
you continously pulled yourself to  ground level, below the ground lever the basement
I gave you aid
I gave you mercy
I gave you forgiveness
but you dont deserve those things

I wonder if I had never given you all this --- would you have been better/ maybe....
I wonder if  i did show you the end? would you change
you always keeep wishing you knew
and anyhting that you can know you try and find out
so If I  showed you told you
this is whats going to happen to you
......
 the ending, the end,
isnt everything in betweeen then just a way of getting there/
?
when you skip episodes in series to see the end and you see the end
suddenly dont all the episods in between become useless boring
you never go back to finish them
youve seen the end
even if you dont understand how it got htere
youve seen it
 you know it


this is the same
you know the end
you die in the middle
I didnt want you die now
but you insist to kill yourself everyday
i didnt want you to be so unhappy
to be so ugly
from within
i created you
I loved creating you
I loved allowing you faith
I made you special rich powerful because i gave you the best thing in this world
the best hting
the thing money cannot buy but it is more expensive than
i gave you faith
I could have left you cold
have left you
just left you
rot like all these people you are seeing rot
but I gave you the best thing in this world
they key to greatness
the way to love
true love
not the crap you think is love
youve never touched love
youve never seen love
you dont deserve love


I dont want your sympathy
you think this cycle can continue forever
how can you be the one
number one
.....no never
you always saw yourself the best...smart...... clever...intelligent......bright
isnt that what they always said/?.......
but you are not number one
you are not number two
you are not number 3
you are number way top on the scale of lost souls
ones trapped in their own being their own fantasies their own existence
creating a very small place of pleasure thinking this is the paradise
worshipping the madness of their own rules
obeying rituals growing each and every moment until growth becomes murderous
harvesting nothing for tommorrow....no its just todays idol
crude rawness divine it plays with your desire
a soul trapped in its own volcano of lust
a soul lost within spaces of infinity
you can never get out
you are one of the lost
you have not been taken hostage for someone to find you
you have given yourself to them
and so you have given consent
you have lost your soul
you have sold your soul
you have given your soul
and thus i can never find it
...............................

Khartoum Heartbreak.....re the pain

I ....Dreamt of a day where we could be happy, where I could be happy
I dreamt of a day where we would sit on balconies in the sunset and drink mint tea...or cardamon...the only difference is the flavour of essence...but the steam of freshly brewed tea in the evening is the same the smiles are the same the melody of fmaily i the same the commitment and love is ....the same

I.... Dreamt of a day where we treasure home and hold ourselves in high regard,,,where people hold us in high regard where we dont need anything but each other

I....Dreamt of a day where i could trust myself trust my family and of course trust in god

I... Dreamt of a day where I dont feel guilt as I hvae done nothing wrong
simple....
I dreat of a day where my patience runs  through and I see the pleasure of waiting

I dreamt of a day where its a simple khartoum evening the streets hustle queitly as yet another evening falls ...the tea is still hot..... the wind blows and sings perfection.... no chill no heat just ....heartbreak

Khartoum heartbreak the biscuits are from the local grocery.... green doors.... pepsi on the outside pavement yet the biscuits are purely sdanese sitting on my balcony next to my tea as I stare out on the horizon of a heartbroken city
heartbroken by me heartbroken by broken dreams by broken people


I ....Dreamt of a day where I lived in that heartbroen place but with a new heart ready to fix ready to treasure
I dreamt it would be mine
the vast landscape of tommorrow
tommorows treasure in the african desert so faaar away
I dreamt I could conquer my present and sail the seaas to get there
I dreamt it would be mine

I dreamt it would be mine
........hot mint....or cardomon tea as the sun falls in yet another heartbroken khartoum....yet I am with a freshly brewed heart glowing with faith,country love and magic
i dreamt it would be mine......

She writes....I remember that day,, where am I now, where is she? ...she writes

She writes....

I wonder what you would think of me , If you only knew me

He writes

.................

She writes

i wonder what your dreams are and ............

( I left this poem for 2 days)

Now I find it and my whole persepective has changed

She writes

One time I heard that patience and trust, love and honesty are key

one time I saw a woman who never thought about it

Who never mistrusted herself

Who never imagines this or didnt imagine that

and...she won

She writes

I see exactly what I want

her smile

her happinness

her confidence

and strangely I feel embarrassed 

that woman was here

that woman I once knew

but I didnt learn

I didnt take good

i only gave back bad

She writes

I Feel like a part of is always losing , giving up to others, never standing up for herself

I lost the war because i put down my weapon

weapon of joy, weapon of faith, weapon of patience

I lost because i had no shame in waht I was doing

and she writes

everything you do has a cost

either you get paid or you pay for what you do

I lost because all I do I was paying for

and not I have nothing more to pay

She writes 

I am jealous only at the power I should have had and the zero  i have now

only at the beauty I should have known and the ugliness i Feel now

only at the lessons I should have learned and the emptiness I know now

She writes

where is your soul?

where is your fear 

where is your heart

what have you done?

you have no one to blame 

Hope

She writes

you have no one to blame

blaming everything on ohers but never yourself

its time to blame yourself 

She writes

crying

I am only sad at the time Ive wasted

and the ties i've tied rotten

and the words Ive said

meaningless

and the 

thoughts ive thought

painless

from regret

but hear I am today

In pain.........

She writes

where are you first

where are you 

she writes

you only need something else

you only need

you

she writes

find you 

before you find me

help me before he helps you

save me before you ask to be saved

it was simply for you....

So.... it seems that you do not understand
What I was trying to say.....
I was trying to help you I was trying to do it today
I was trying to show you that I'm in love
I was  trying to make you feel I'm the only one for you
I dont know you
i dont own you
I dont hear you
But I was trying to show you
something new
something true
something fairytale
something real
something to keep
and no longer ...weep for

But.... it seems the days win and the oceans spin us apart
it seems the words break and mountains shake so we do not find each other
It seems the clouds rain and the rain washes away my tries
It seems there are others stronger than me, more beautiful than me - more interested and more .....unwashable
It seems the start had no meaning and the end is near
It seems the battle and the war has been lost
and what cost?

well simply you....

4-1

Why... I continue to degrade myself like this i do not know

slowly but surely I am slipping away

from all the good things I used to pray

Slowly and mercilessly I have no voice

I have no choice

in the things I do

imagine no choice in the things I do!

Why...I do this I do not know

I dont feel imporant

in fact I feel useless 

I feel madness 

I feel...cold

yesterday I spent the whole day damaging myself

with thoughts of pressure and forcing myself to find treausures

i already have and do not need

in all the wrong places

Theday before that I did the same 

just playing a different game

deep down I want to scream

STOP! SLAP! THATS IT! 

but superficially the deepest part rots

outside the inside clots

exteriorly the interior plots

.....nothing that can come out

Why....I break my heart like this I do not know

Why...I degrade my mind like this I do not see

Why...I do not treasure myself I do not feel

Why ...i do not mercy myself I do not beat

Why...I do not love who I am I do not battle

defeat ...ever 

4-1

fall, falling, for a new day

Fall in love, but let it feel right

fall in love, but do not fight

the way your heart says its wrong

Fall in love forever and a day

Fall in love and with love stay

fall in love but do not get hurt and  fall

fall in love and for love call

 but do not build a stressful wall

between your heart and mind

Fall in love when the time comes

but do not force the seconds to find the one

it will never fall in place

and you will race and race

in the wrong competition

lose everything

have nothing

Fall in love

today, tonight,

with yourself, your might

you are the one who deserves the love

breaking free from scents of your night flowers glowing amidst a winter freeze a tormenting breeze of cold and you are too bold to crush

your poisoned blush of mistakes

so dont let them grow

let forgiveness glow

fall in love and let it throw

a new cover to heal your love that is falling

to rebuild your power thats breaking

to master your talents that are dying

to recover your faith that is trying

to save you...............

lose the battle, but never the war

I keep apologing to everyone but there is really one peson i need to apologise to the most and I never have

ME

So much damage so much stress and pressure Im amazed at how my body, eyes, love still manage to survive

Ive never thanked myself/apologised or even considered the attention that my life really needs

I always take the bad

 Ialways take the stressful

I never show the helpful

the beautiful

and then i punish myself

never forgive myself

never thank myself

for letting me use those eyes that so many people wish to have

for letting me walk to here and there

when so many people dream of what I see simple

for letting me hear words sounds and tastes

when so many people have never heard my dictionary of sound

and yet I still imagine I am in the bottom scale

I still bring myself down

I still stop thanking myself 

pleasure turns to pain

beauty turns to ugliness

life turns to a job

making mistakes becomes routine

making mistakes never get forgiven

and so I build build fear and torment in my heart

until it explodes

the solution is not easy I know

but it is also not impossible

and it is not going to be solutions Ive tried and failed before

the solution is not going to be impossible

the solution is going to be mine

but it will take time

and forgiveness

and understanding from within me 

a meeting with myself

and most importantly when I can forgive myself

when I can believe that god will forgive me

then the devil and my weak soul cannot impose their imprisonment 

cannot impose their sanctions

for I have somewhere else to turn to

Starting again_No take aways, No cheese

NO TAKE AWAYS

NO CHEESE

i stoppped eating bread about a week ago - I admit I sometimes forget or buy a sandwich but i have not bought any - but I realised there are other things causing trouble and excuses dont work anymore

Samihni

Dear God 

I am sorry for what i have done

I know what it is

but I don't know how to fix it

I know that lying is not the answer

therefore I will not lie

but breaking down is not the answer either

and giving up is out of the question

I will not give up on your mercy and forgiveness for me

dear God

I will only give up on my past experiences 

I will only forget the past and open a new page

 Iwill only love today

I will only think of my future the one I can create and make

not the one out of my control

samihni.....

Please god, let me do the right thing

where is love? they ask themselves, I ask myself where is love?
suddenly I cannot hear it
I cannot feel it
I cannot touch it
Suddenly I am so lost it hurts
I am so afraid it is dramatic
I am so unhappy it is tormenting
when you make a mistake a big one
when you make something  that seeds lifeless hope
you become hopeless
suddenly I cannot imagine why I did
why I wrote
why I said
really what goes around comes around
Dear God
I did mistakes
Dear God I cannot lie
Dear God as much as I am bad I am a lot  lot good
Dear God I WILL not tell a lie
change the truth?
Dear God you were there
I messed up badly
Subhan Allah how I m still tormented
Dear GOd - I must accept your punishment but please God do not punish my parents as well
Dear God - Show me what to do
Dear God I do not want to do soemthing just because I am afraid
just because I am afraid
just because someone told me to
Dear God - i am sorry
you have given me all this education and I have thrown it away
Dear God am I like her?
Dear God can i live like this? or like that forever/
Dear God if it is meant to be let it happen
I am not afraid of your goodness upon me I am not afraid of what is good for me I am not afraid of what is right for me I am not afraid of what you have  in store for me I am not afraid of what you want for me you yyour dreams for me your opinions your actions your words I am not afraid Dear God of what you have written for me
I am only afraid if I reject it without knowing - if I miss it without seeing if I go past it without stopping If i take something else without knowing
Dear God i beg of you to never let me do that
only let me take what is right for me
No one in in the middle between your plans and I
Dear God do not let me think of things wrong
let me have a straight head
let me have a right mind
let me do the right thing
Dear God I know i missed doing the right thing a lot of times
let me do the right thing now
Please God let me do the right thing

cut.....sugar girls but you're made of bitter

I dream of love

the right kind

the wondeful mind of faith coming with dreams and engaging me

I dream of truth

honesty courage and youth

to hold me

i dream to never fall in traps

escpecially the ones designed by my own maps

falling and falling into the other side of disaster

I fall and fall faster winding and it only keeps getting darker

asking all the wrong things I did 

then I got afraid and I hid

a coward I know with all despair

Ive broken things I cannot repair

madness suddenly holds unto me

sadness becomes my only refugee

guilt becomes my losing war

there was so much to have so much in store

but always always I take - choose wrong

always always i am not strong

Girls they all want the same things

to fall in love , be loved, be happy , be respected

I didn't think of the consequences of my choices

I only thought of what I wanted 

I ignored all the warning voices

that here...Is not where you'll find things

This...is not how you find things

Girls they surrender, cry and hurt

they change their minds a million times

they scream at their lovers 

they love and love again

until it feels right 

until its certain its right

until its for sure correct

I wanted something out of a movie

something beautiful, something extraordinary

cut

you reap what you sow

what goes around comes around

you fool.....

impatient fool

i fear myself_broken note

I fear myself
tongue loud with fury
loud wih misery
unwise words
I fear myself
words unmeaning life
disconnecting purity
causing instability of soul
i fear myself


Suddenly I become useless depending on the expansion of my rotten seeds
suddenly all I can do is pray and pray and pray for God to make everything alright
I know  this is right but.....
I wish I had the ability to control

but i dont
all I have are my regrets and my inability to forget and my ability to ruin lives..........