Tuesday, March 15, 2011

untitled emptiness- Bullied

well
it looks like I'm all alone.....
I am the one who deserves to be all alone
I left God all alone didn't I?

It doesn't matter to him
he is never alone
but it matters to me
I can feel the emptiness of my actions
I can feel the pain of regret

People don't understand me?
that is becasue I dont get me

I am always looking for..... something dont kno where it is
I feel very alone at 8.37 am
........


10.36 am
how can I fix
the misery that is within
I spin
with the heavy loads I feel
I cannot bin
my anger
I cannot lose my despair

I saw something I shouldn't
I did something i mustn't
it's like my mum said
I am
weak
so weak
and at this age
back a whole age
it feels like I still need to cry about my bruised kneee
or being bullied

I feel bullied
by me
I feel down
I feel unhappy
even tho I have the world

IMAGINE!
I have the world
I am healthy
Iam happy
I SHould be happy
I have money
I have stability
I have safety
I have a family
I have faith
I have sense
I have a mind
I have power
i have stuff
I have lots of stuff


and yet,,,,
I feel

Bullied
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -