Monday, March 7, 2011

just close my eyes and move in.........



inspired by a little visit to a beautiful house that is so dam romantic I could just close my eyes and dream..................

I dream of lanterns across the outer pavement after a dinner party - joint memories of perfect lamb and grilled chicken/ sorted plates and delicate twists of artisitc reception - feta mint pastries, salmon parsley tarts, sweet chilli sauce,


Glasses of rasberry and lemon juice or .... mango funk - guava pearls - banana shake - bowls of perfectly placed fruit salads smell fresh, smell divine


I dream of little chatterings and loud communication -I dream of happy chocolate ... sitting on emerald stands - whisked by the late interlaced fighting between dark philosophy and pink shatterings of visiting women


But I

I am not listening

for I dream of velvet skies on my walls and passion sweets on the carpet -

I tread on memories stored in white cupboards and a large refrigerator

one of those two part ones that has an ice maker

I dream of a seperate deep freeze not only to freeze trouble but to save macorni prepared dishes and roast beef glazed with garlic infused oil - trouble is sound along with cream rose ice cream and fascinating ganache - it just needs melting ..... across the kitchen

floors spell my love for a house filled with sexy lights just flickering romance and bulbs of tempations

they glisten showerings of joy as water runs through the dining - vases sit proud - watching the air of my work

flowers sway to my hummed dress and black wavy silk of timeless effort

chairs could be accurately measured for their perfect lace and fine strength

yet amongst all this I am gentle

I am a part of the fairytale

it draws itself against my rugs and cushions

each cushion for a reason

each cushion is a reason

for love


I love this house

the one in my dreams

I cannot see it

I cannot touch it

but I can make it

.......

I can see myself , i can see ... things come alive from the drawings in the living room to the kitchen at 3am

I can see the love made

and the pavlovas perfectly gooey in the inside and crisp on the outside - sugar right - creamed with passionfruit? sour strawberries to break the balance ? I havnt decided yet


I can taste the exploration of tea in my tea cups and the colours on my tea pots and the matching of my tea trays and the shape of my tea biscuits and the time of my tea _ adventures

for in ths house

everything has ..... meaningless purity

it has solid imbalance

it has my tiptoes

at 4 am and 2 in the afternoon

it has my coolness and feverish lack of control

it has the man of my dreams.....

it hsa the kids of mydreams

it has te woman of my dreams that is the beginning that is me ......................

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -