Monday, March 7, 2011

GOd I Thannk you

GOd, I Thank you
for your kindness the sunshine right now
I feel dark
Ifeel like I dont deserve

God, I thank you
for all you have done
I feel like youre pulling me into goodness
while my soul keeps setting me back
God I thankyou
for the CONTINUOUS love you have shown
while I have not been that continuous
God IThank you for giving me Islam
for giving me romance
for doing all these things for me
you simply... could have not
God
I love you
and I hate myself
for not hving the strength to recover from doing bad things

I know there are a lot of other good girls who pray for you
and I wonder what level am I on thescale
I mean
Iwonder how many others shine through before me
yes
yes I Am jealous for your love
yes I Am jealous for your safety
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -