Disposable Dreams_

When I close my eyes and dream of you, it's someone else I see

Nothing to do with your history

nothing to do with what you do right now

I see extracts of you, taken and maken into a new man

i imagine you, I think of you all the time

I dream of you all the time

I feel that I am close to you

or I want to feel that I can get close to you

All these dreams rush to myhead

behind youreyes what do you see?

what are you fantasies?

behind your eyes, what do you know of me

Why are you so far way?

Do you want to be so far away?

I dont know

I dream and I Dream, until it exhausts me

and kills me from health

I feel sick with you

I feel tormeneted from you

like youve taken the most precious things in me and lived with them

and I dont even see you!

or hear you!

or know you!

Sometimes I ask myself

I have done all this for him

I have taken all this time to be with him

to give him chances

to see beyond the outer layers

to offer him all this love and new future

until i am shaken for him to be mine

but what has he done for me?

Nothing is the answer

He has never done anything to be with me

to call me

or to ask me

or to think about me

or to get to know me

or to get to be near me

or myfamily

nothing

and the days will go

maybe the next time we see each other is never

maybe its sooner than later

maybe its later than sooner

I will never know until that day comes

But I dont want to feel like I've lived with him more than I've lived with

myself

Imagine that

you dont even know somebody and youve lived with them a million hours

you dont know them but youve begged for their attention all you life, all your youth

you dont know them, but you lie to yourself that you do

and you would metamorph into anything to be near them

i take these drastic emotions into 2011 with me

I feel like they should be behind with 2010 and all the other years Ive spent thinking of this invisible love

its not love actually...

its pain

its ill health

its completely senseless

and God told us to be sensible

god told us to be proud

I spend my nights hovering upon cd after cd

I spend my nights closing my eyes instead of opening them

I spend my nights alone introverted within myself and within him falling deeper anddeeper into not just something I dont want

but something that breaks me and aches me and abuses me

yet I continue to fall and fall

like Im letting someone use my heart without my permission

letting people take my things

like im leaving my treasures to be stolen by an inside intruder

like im breaking my own glass

cd after cd after download after memory it all intertwines inside me to make songs and wild imagination come alive

but while it is alive ...I am only dead

I am only shattered

I am only poor

I am only very weak

I am only sad

I am only mad

I am only disposable dreams................

PART 2

But on the other side of the Island, those dreams come ashore

THey wake up to explore

my visual core

of true intimacy

of wild delicacy

of unexplored passion

Idont want something old

I dont want to be tarnished

and I certainly dont want to be varnished

with heavy memories

i want to fanatically explicit

yet aromatically soft

I want to write again

to breathe again

to feel again

to smile again

to be artisitic again

to work again

to play again

to escape

into nothing but my true fantasies and glorious expeditions

........................

To be continued