i love the smell of this....

body butter by soap and glory
very romantic,

Loving soap and glory things....

this one escpecially

I am.... the

I re think my strategies time and time again

If I was at war ( which I am) I Would have been killed a long time ago

my defences low

my determination slow

yet my dreams...

my dreams are wild and explicit

my dreams are large and grand

my dreams.... demand _ something so big of me

I evaluate my position

and list all my suscpicions

of people that break me

I can only find one

ME

I write my problems

I can only find one

ME

I wonder about everytrhing

how I look from the outside

and does the inside ugliness show

I think how I Feel

how do I feel

so many emotinos a day

I am so many women

so many good and bad

I am the strong one

the kind one

the broken one

the lustful one

the taken one

the uncourageous one
the stupid one

the hypnotised one
the weak one
the broken one
 the evil one
the suspended one
the remorseful one
the smart one
the dumb one
the terrible one
the unexplainable one
the unapproachalbe one

the falling one
the fallen one
the soundless one
the jealous one the envious one
the scanty one
the scrapy one
the monster one
the angry one
the big one
the nasty one
the ugly one the I cannot stop one
the I cannot do this one
the I am sad one
the let me runaway one
the I cant recover one

Disposable nightmares

I wonder -

How much you can love

what does love mean to you?

How much can you save and how much do you need to waste..

before it dies

I wonder how to go back to the beginning

how to go back to the start

and never part

just like in a wedding picture

I wonder how things change

day by day until they reach severity

and become a disposable nightmare

you break me

and weaken me

until

no more can I be in that picure

until all I see is a new picture

a new nightmare

a heartbreaking disaster

of tears

more and more everyday

until her hands ache and tears run dry

until the beauty in her dies and the memories within her shrivel

for she has been abused and torn and broken
Not the same picture anymore

now what does the future have in store?

UnDisposable Dreams Part 1

Uncontained passion

crossing the lines

twists of fate divine

strength unmet

unlawful divinty

forget the rules

bend time

run streets to meet

stretch the boundaries

caress your fingertips

touch your hair

have an affair

of honest explicitness

find the middle

of insanity

sweeten the madness with roughness

be impatient

be wild

be trembling

let it suffocate you

yet unleash you

by taming you

to feel uncontrollable desire

like wildfire

scorching your mind

reality aches for fantasy now

those are my undisposable dreams...........

Disposable Dreams_

When I close my eyes and dream of you, it's someone else I see

Nothing to do with your history

nothing to do with what you do right now

I see extracts of you, taken and maken into a new man

i imagine you, I think of you all the time

I dream of you all the time

I feel that I am close to you

or I want to feel that I can get close to you

All these dreams rush to myhead

behind youreyes what do you see?

what are you fantasies?

behind your eyes, what do you know of me

Why are you so far way?

Do you want to be so far away?

I dont know

I dream and I Dream, until it exhausts me

and kills me from health

I feel sick with you

I feel tormeneted from you

like youve taken the most precious things in me and lived with them

and I dont even see you!

or hear you!

or know you!

Sometimes I ask myself

I have done all this for him

I have taken all this time to be with him

to give him chances

to see beyond the outer layers

to offer him all this love and new future

until i am shaken for him to be mine

but what has he done for me?

Nothing is the answer

He has never done anything to be with me

to call me

or to ask me

or to think about me

or to get to know me

or to get to be near me

or myfamily

nothing

and the days will go

maybe the next time we see each other is never

maybe its sooner than later

maybe its later than sooner

I will never know until that day comes

But I dont want to feel like I've lived with him more than I've lived with

myself

Imagine that

you dont even know somebody and youve lived with them a million hours

you dont know them but youve begged for their attention all you life, all your youth

you dont know them, but you lie to yourself that you do

and you would metamorph into anything to be near them

i take these drastic emotions into 2011 with me

I feel like they should be behind with 2010 and all the other years Ive spent thinking of this invisible love

its not love actually...

its pain

its ill health

its completely senseless

and God told us to be sensible

god told us to be proud

I spend my nights hovering upon cd after cd

I spend my nights closing my eyes instead of opening them

I spend my nights alone introverted within myself and within him falling deeper anddeeper into not just something I dont want

but something that breaks me and aches me and abuses me

yet I continue to fall and fall

like Im letting someone use my heart without my permission

letting people take my things

like im leaving my treasures to be stolen by an inside intruder

like im breaking my own glass

cd after cd after download after memory it all intertwines inside me to make songs and wild imagination come alive

but while it is alive ...I am only dead

I am only shattered

I am only poor

I am only very weak

I am only sad

I am only mad

I am only disposable dreams................

PART 2

But on the other side of the Island, those dreams come ashore

THey wake up to explore

my visual core

of true intimacy

of wild delicacy

of unexplored passion

Idont want something old

I dont want to be tarnished

and I certainly dont want to be varnished

with heavy memories

i want to fanatically explicit

yet aromatically soft

I want to write again

to breathe again

to feel again

to smile again

to be artisitic again

to work again

to play again

to escape

into nothing but my true fantasies and glorious expeditions

........................

To be continued

Waking up.......

It's the morning dawn and I can't get up for beauty

But I feel intoxicated with this kissof the morning

wafting with cake from the night , I can't fight

A devils invitation to save me

It's the blissful sounds of grandfathers memoirs

but my mind wont accept that kind of passion

I blade my skin through the torment of a dream

/ a fantasy/ a beautiful illusion that uses props from me

but interoggates me by deepening my affair

It's the escape from a queit living room into a vivid wildness

sometimes i think I can touch but if i think harder

I will know it is touchable , just through a different journey

sometimes I ask myself what is stopping me , only to see it is me

I try and save things missing

I tr and forget things gone

deep in the back of my mind I still worry, but I am determined to change

change to be me

change to be something I can fall in love with

no one else

I ask God to help me change in this year

to help me become the womn i want to be

or to invade problems only to kill them

and to occupy dreams that save

and to heal through praying

Single

Single one who thinks like this
Only one who thinks like this

Only one who stalls my mind
Only one who creates barriers

Single without feeling
Single without being



Blasphemy of self
Procrastination of letters


Single one who forgets
Single one who retires so early


89


In a year
How can I create 89?



Only one who has no hope
Only one called hope


Only one who loses faith
Single one who had faith


Single one who had faith
Only one who believed


Only one who woke
Single one who spoke

Only one who had creation
Single one who didn't care

Single one who cared about everything
Only one who was confused

Only one that broke
Single one that shattered

Single one always ith fears
Only one with this fear


Only one with fears
Single one today

Single one tomorrow
Single one yesterday

Only one who can't see the difference
Only one who like pain

There is a girl I am searching for

I close my eyes and I dream .....
This time this dream is an alternative to reality it is not a way to escape reality or to dream wrong
This dream is very existent and very possible in fact it can be done right now
From right now
This dream is possible the moment i open my eyes to change it into something done here in this life and not only when I dream


When i close my eyes I dream of a girl who loves her faith , truly loves her faith ,
I dream of. A girl who knows her destiny a girl who knows where she wants to go
I dream of a praying girl every time s he's hungry
Who knows she can never be full except with praying and loving and asking god for forgiveness
I dream of girl beautifully covered
Smothered with peace
Delicate with patience
Hoping with the hope in god
I dream of a girl whose steps are for god
Whose moments swirl into INfinity to feel love for being Muslim
I dream of a girl who wakes up early
Early to see sunrise
Late to pray when god is in the sky
I dream of a dark angel cake encircling my life
Taste of fury
Blend of reason
Vastness in passion to .....wait




I dream of a girl with lots of passion
Plenty of patience
Credits of unbroken moments
Grade a happiness
Grade a smile
Grade a talk



I dream of. Girl who is single from despair for despair only comes when u feel alone
I dream of a girl who knows she isnot alone
I dream of a wonderful girl
An inspirational goal
A beautiful home
With strong Walls

I dream of a girl who can control her soul
Tame her mind
Heal her own heart
Love her self
Want nothing but to beautify this body, this special time
This short way

I dream of a girl ho can see beyond today
Who caN see beyond small things
Who can feel deep beyond any of her weaknesses and see her truth

I dream of girl who realises it is a short time
It is. A one tme
It is a once upon a time

....".......for real

From a new distance/subconscious extraction

16. New steps , where have they taken. Me
I walk through these beautiful forests of connected future breaking through landscapes I once new and new ones I want to discover
The crisp of the ground cracks underneath my heavy footsteps
Misunderestimating my refusal to fully interact with my emotions with my trepidations
With my desire and reward to go on, to keep walking to keep investigating where. Am. I
16 days into this wild and untamed future I press on the leaves to find words dissapperin
They glisten gold letters of time , I stare at the individual letters each one delicately becoming
But I can't understand what any of them mean


The trees bend and twist like imaginative fairytales darkening deeper into the earth as if owing from another scope of nature
Another space in time
I want to discovered who I can become from this strange place,
I know ive always wanted to come here
I know thisplace with feeling but not with sight
Not with ears not with texture
Just with heart
I've been here before
But
I've never been in it like this
I've only been from a far distance
Now I touch....

My subconscious
This strange and scary hole of who I really. Am
This place does not hide anything
This place shows you what you need to do why you need to do it where u need to go


There are no wants and desires those roads are closed away
Those are no entry zones
There is just road that I can see ahead of me with so many turns and hidden escapade s
But I NEED to see the end because only there can I see who I am

Wears a ring necklace to confuse me......

understand that you are not searching for sweets

but the sweetness of love

you have to realise that the moreyou dream

the more you suck life and destiny out of your life

you have to believe in godagain

you need to remember that heaven and earth are interlinked

you must want freedom from a devils interantional connection

you demand it

you fight for it

'''' the weak are those who succumb to a nightmare, the strong are the ones who defend against their fears''''

you want to be able to control emotions

those emotions are railways to the stars

planes to the sky

the waters that run deep into the ocean

those emotions can bring you continents of faith

where is your faith?

where is your beauty?

where is your trust?

where are you?

I promised myself this year that I will intervene

that I Will stop emotions driving me to insanity

that i will know when they turn against me

when my dreams arn't my dreams

but my enemies

when my soul isn't out to protect me

but to get me

when my heart is tired

I promised myself i Would feel when my heart was tired

.................

Monthly Discoveries_ January

i've been living my life so superficially , so artificially and yet - If you look beyond the surface, If I Look beneath the hidden layers.........

I discover a vast , vast haul of dreams that have been forgotten and abused

my life accused to be this wasting passionate ocean of love and faith

a long list of desires awaits me

Every Month I plan to achieve a goal



This can be an achievement on its own right

or as part of something big



No matter how small, how hard, how easy, how different

This year

I want to do a lot of things

Start a lot of things

Resist a lot of things

Monthly Discoveries will help me keep funding my dreams

So this Month:

I want to re learn all the verses in the Quran that I've forgotten

I want to reverse the process of forgetting my faith

and remember all that I used to know

At the end of every month/ Start of every month, Inshallah

I will write another MD post to explain this new discovery of the warm enormous iceberg of transforming within me

2011.... Beauty Beginnings

2011.....

Is to find
the perfect beauty colour
the perfect success colour
The perfect faith colour
the perfect elegance colour

The colours awaiting me lie through

Pending achievement





Awaiting transformation





Expecting Love



The colours that I want to erase




Dominishing Pain





Leaving Years lost in vain






Hoping for freedom





Asking for Everything





Not Praying for that Everything

No, Not anymore, The colours have to flood through my body now

Praying for all the things I desire








Walking away from before


Running from fear war


Flying from chains





Becoming internally funded


heartfully mended


patiently sended


fashionably trended


with happiness


and forgiveness





Beauty I understand in this new year can only come if you have no black blood running in you


if you have no black shadows sparkling from your eyes
scratching your fingertips
beauty can never show from darkness
no
all the lights have to be turned on

Beauty can only show if it is real within you and true inside you
and lit







To be continued........