I try

But i dont know why

Its not enough

Always missing that sky

Of perfection 

Within myself and beyond

Even in all this effort

They say istagfurallah and ur so mean 

Minute details that pain me to the core

For the pink of tassels isnt the aim

But hey 

Ill help u 

And ur idea is show

And ur just mean 

And why are u so mean they say 

But i dont feel mean 

I feel right

I feel down

I feel tired

I feel helpless

I shud be sorting out my website

And yet every night

They win i dont

And here i am 

I try to fail

Adding and adding and adding and adding

It never stops

Maybe im not made for this

Amd yet i push myself over the edge

Different reasons

We have the same second earrings 

And different cars with the same strengths

Black and white opposite reasonings and in the middle the poorest

Fit

I stopped the help for different reasons but i am able to make treble

I worry about the reasons of covering head for others theres no time to mend

In the eyes of glazed i clean the ok

And i make money off the pain amd the subtle energy of im boss

And ur not lingers in the day 

Calm my monster accept myweakness itswritten

Awaiting trial i am afraid and weak 

And strong at the same time wrong or right 

I never know

Forcing happiness and now numbness

I am not calm 

Of course the others dont do like some and some dont do like others 

I feel like i dont want to talk or listen but i do want to invent

 

Wanting something u never knew

Then it becomes lingering inside and out 

U buy green kicrowaves when decisions havnt been made

Nothing formal

All inside

But everything so close ans yet so far

Really does make me sick

In my heart aches sort of way 

Not sure what i want

Or need

My sanity of course and somw patience on the side

Wiuld be great

Lingering trying

Having not

Having what 

Having here

Having close

Waiting

People poking u 

With words stares and dares

Phonecalls useless

Absolutely useless and time machines working

I hate this

But i hatemyself more

What is my linger

What is my situation

And am i at fault

Of course im at fault

And now im trying to save the situation

Well

No save

No crave

Just wait…

It really hurts

When u come home from work and he goes upstairs

No in between

No im sure

No i care or dont

I want or dont

Just

Distance

No knowing

No understanding

No clarity

No me no him 

Just the stairs

And soon we might  not even have a stairs

So where will the running be  now 

Youll just have to jump!

Or stay 

Or avoid

God im scared

Can i do this

Is this the right thing for us for me

Am i ok 
What is going to happen
Who is correct and who isnt
My anxiety or my reality
My anxiety or my thinkingprocesses For me its clinging on for others its madness
I had to say no to tomoro and friday 
Wish i cud
But where is the money working for someone else
?
I 
Feel
Sad
I wish leanne didn't finish 
Me like
Me dont like my pain of rejection
And the fainting adrenaline inside

You dumb goat

I want to scream 

Starbucks cannot be enough the black bucket of caffiene inside my veins

I want to scream

Holding hands

Calm 

Laughing yet 

My heart beats uncontrollably

I have no control really

This strong inflatable woman 

Yet really legs pressing voices agonising

People misunderstanding

Anxious they say 

Manly they say

But weak i am

Lost i am 

My branches coming out like malformed genetic hybrids

I look and do as  mum 

But its unmagical

I want to acream 

Love love love

The type that walks in hotels crisp of the edge of wanting something never found never known 

The heartbreak shines of her eyes the ones that fall after she thinks its all over but her heart burns in agony… for all of that

And then the type that makes men press on the pedal of their bmw faster harder to reach… her

Just to see just to be

Just to 

Make me feelempty ashe gets his  coffee and goes upstairs

Things ill never try 2

Bungee jumping and staying queit

Making this ache real

Swaying in 7 stars 

Not by me

And others by 

Things ill never try

Size 8 dress and size 5 shoes

A 7 stsr hotel or finding the right clues

To mKe it right

A normal heart or a new start

In things ive failed

A bmw 

That i can call mine

A new house thats fine

Being second

Being round with perfection

Being the me i wished

Being felt

By millions

Being another kind of mum 

Ill never try being another kind

فوق و تحت

تطلع فوق لمن انزل تحت و تنزل تحت لمن اطلع فوق

ده الحب مش؟ 

البعد و الحماس فالبعد 

شغل

افكار اخبار 

تعب

تعبانة

هي قالت

Youre acting like you are perfect in everything and noone is good anything like you

Truth is so right

But isnt it true

Ego hurt

Its not

But i am sure of one thing

My dreams ache inside me shaking me ill 

My heart beats … فو and my soul aches

تحت

I shiver at my … emptiness

That hovers and calls me to its arms

Tunes

Words

Stories

Ideas

Others

But not me

Nagat was lonely

But she used faith to survive

What do i have

Non the wiser i am the modern lonely professor

Letting it seep and seep and rot me

Yet i do not have all the things she did

I only saw the last while

Spoilt she said to me

Maybe

Now i see i copied

Inspired by the wrong

But it can be hard

Whos right and where do lines merge

Tough i remember

Actions i would take and then hate

Do them but dont accept them

Its

Lonely

My world

Sitting here

So afraid of the future amidst people chatting away and me typing into this begging

Begging for my tears not to fall 

I surrender to my pain

Its so hard to pretend your strong

And i am wrong

In so many things

Too late

Its fate

To fail 

I surrender

To my pain 

Let it all rain

The acid 

The wishful thinking

The turmoil

Inside me

The inability to proceed

The thoughts i do not have

The ones i do i want to refund

Lonely

In every single

Letter

Lonely

Unableto become

Unable to break free

Unable to push through 

Unable to believe

Unable to imagine but rot

Unable

I surrender to my illness

Of loneliness

Its sad what ive become

I know losing my country has a role

Its like being told ur made of the wrong thing

I fit here and i dont

I hate it

All these fusion powers inside me cutting of like that nighttime darkness in khartoums blackness during those 3 hour  cuts. But sometimes it came back in 40 min and we were delighted

Fill the buckets it will cut again … now

My buckets remain empty like it and darkness has stayed forever

Breakfast in hell.

I have to accept i am a piece of hell mKing

Ideas soften inside and roughen my skin

Blending my takes i try

I fail

I wonder whose fault it is

Someones else living my dreams

Every.

Single.

One.

In everything

I do not have the upper hand in the things i create

The things i make

Mine

Part of me my body my mind

Are not really mine

And i have theemptiness of the eggs beans and mushrooms to prove it

I hurt

Very much

I try

I fail 

I push it breaks

They are not my friend

They are not interested

In me

For i am a piece of hell 

In my familys life.  

ما تفرضي رائيك

رائيك قوي

بدون اناقة ولا هدي

ما تفرضي رائيك 

رائيك حار

وانتي ما نار

ما تفرضي رائيك 

رائيك غالب

وانا ما نحن ما …. معاك

ما تفرضي رائيك

You arebossy 

ماتفرضي رائيك 

خليها و خلينا

ما تفرضي علينا

Ur thoughts

ما تفرضي رائيك 

Just leave us alone

ما تفرضي رائيك 

انا مع ناس …

بي جاي

ما 

تفرضي

رائيك

كل ما ساي

ما تفرضي رائيك 

I give

And i never ask

ما تفرضي رائيك

بحلم بي rotana in a dofferent past

In those stories

I cannot write

What a waste of 6.49 

ما تفرضي رائيك

انا احسن منك 

ما تفرضي رائيك

The tears hold

For now

But i am close to not understanding how

Of what ive become…

ما تفرضي رايئك

He wont come for me…

Or will he?

I dont know

Wait….

22.25

Wait….

ما تفرضي رايئك

Its research

The aches and pains and mistakes

ما تفرضي رايئك 

ما تجيني

Wait

U dominant piece of shit

ما تفرضي

رايئك

U slap piece of fuck

ما تفرضي رايئك

U useles piece of waste

Wait

22.27

ما تفرضي رايئك

U sensitive piece of scum 

ما تفرضي رايئك

Told u i was tired

Ur the last piece of shit on my mind

Maybe once a week if ur lucky 

…

Wait

22.28 

Volcano lava on my face

Sit back and enjoy the silence

The loneliness

Let the lava burn ur clothes

Let it tske ur heartبس ما تفرضيرايئكU ugly piece of woman….

 

True words

Im feeling sick

Feom the inside out

Im feeling wrong

No longer strong

Im feeling weak 

And meek

Towards my life

Im feeling dependant like an old man to their walking stick

But not for moving for stalling

I am not well

I feel down

And around and around

My wishes are nit my command

I am not anything

I am not promising

I am  not right

There is  no fight

Left in me

I am alone

With a heart of stone

All these ideas

Are like drugs

Turning me over

Into a dry ash leaf

I am a thief

Of myself

Broken unspoken

An emotoy tokwn

Unable to fulfill 

My own aspirations

Chosen

Fragmented

I am ill represented.

I am not well

Black ice

Im sick

Really sick

Ice that doesnt melt in the sun

Eyes that cannot see

A body that has no truth

Or love

Fake

Im black

Rotting like a dead apple

Even my choices are scary

I can see the evidence

——

Who can i talk to?

No one in this world

With all these people and yet im so lonely

So far

So sad

So bad

So mad

So cannot be her friend my own 

Always angry at me and im always angry at her

Love depleted

95 euros worth of nothing

So quick to act

Filling in the spaces i cant

Im …

I

…

Have no one who likes me

Escp god

He really wouldnt like me

Sometimes

Sometimes im this

Sometimes im that

Sometimes im broken

Sometimes i shake

Myself lonely for bait

Sometimes i wonder

Sometimes i dont

Sometimes i imagine the

Scenes of my thoughts

Flying over and under out of my heart and into my mind

Sometimes i wish i was inside them theyre good for the ride

Sometimes i weep

Sometimes i hurt

Them all

Sometimes im not magical 

Or spiritual

Just physically wrong

Sometimes im alone

Ineverything

Soemtimes itsmy fault

Always 

I cant smell your kindness

She spoke

She isright im a messed up float

Of asinking human being

Unhealthy

Self sabotage queen

And going around in circles master

Unable to communicate my disasters

Here i am letting my angry face win

And the dissipate from my disease

I cant smell your kindness so use this to mask your odour

Of terrible mothership and owndership

Cant control yourself so control others

Fear it

You are a terrible person 

Know it

Your sins are unacceptable

Believe it your smell is disgusting

Own up to it

You are shadows worth of nothing 

Faith/Eman

ايمان الحلوة المستحيلة 

حاسة بزنوب حاسة بمسؤولية 

دايراك تكوني الاحسن 

قبل ما اوريك

دايراك تكوني الاسعد

قبل ما اديك 

انا الام 

انا الصعب

انا الخير انا الغلط 

مشاعر افكار ،ايام وليالي 

محتاجة اكتب  كل افكاري

وين انتي

تعالي

لي 

ما عملتي

منافسة 

صعبة 

من كل النواحي

انا الام انا بحاول انا ببهت 

انا بكورك

كل الحاجات ما ممكن في ايد واحد

بس انا كدة ماسكة الاشياء كلها التلفون للابد 

اخر رسالة ؟ 

اخر شحنة

يا ما نصحتي 

يا ما قلتي وانتي صغيرة 

بس انا العويرة 

بقولو قلقة 

بقولو بقاطع

من ما انتي 

هي مقاطع 

انا بحاول

انا الام 

ايمان الحلوة 

انا السم 

انا الام 

انا الالم 

انا اخاف من الزمن 

انا الام انا حزينة حاسة ببعادك 

وانتي صغيرة 

صغيرة و كبيرة 

مكابسة 

محاولة 

ناجحة 

بس اكثر انا فاشلة

لمن الناس اقولو 

بالطريقة المؤلمة

امل شوفي اولادك ….

وانا اسمع واحاكي

ليكي يا الغالي

ولكن ها النتيجة 

تعبانة و حزينة 

متلخبطة 

وانتي انانية و لا انا؟

تعبت 

رجلي

ايدي

افكارك 

وحدتي

علي طريق الوحدة حكون 

فين اخطائك  

كل يوم حامر بهم

يا ربي 

حكون لوحدي 

حتا انت قارهني

يا ربي

لوحدي لوحدي

اذا بنتي خلتني

فالروح و الافكار 

هل ما كان عندي خيار؟ 

تعبانة 

خائفة 

وحيدة 

حزينة 

لا استطيع المنافسة لا اريد ايمع صوتي

مقرف

لا استطيع احب شيء

فلا شيء يحبني

انا حزينة  

يا ايمان 

انا سندك

انا الام

انا الام 

Lonely person

Sitting with her phone 

Strong inside but all on her own

Laptops mobiles games and apps

I have to sit woth silence on my lap 

No space for tearsbut they are hot and wavy 

People sit next to me i must show nothing crazy

But im lonely scared anxious tired hoping losing trying winning failing all those ways

My prayer mat sits folded it lays

I worry on phonecalls complaints ams what he thinks 

Although ig should be the opposite and yet i aink 

With cinemas in my head and all the things i dread

He doesnt want to talk to me

Why could that be

I miss being…. Someone im not

I hate being … ready for a clot

I love being… in my own dreams 

Forever like this it would seem

Those bmws 

Those holidays 

Those children that love me

Those nice curves

Those super smart hands

Those wise words

 

Just be gentle

A 6 year old say to me in A hard place

I feel isolated small misjudged trying useless

Or Is it correct

Am i lacking troubling wrong 

When am i right and when am i wrong 

I refused a place 

Maybe too early maybe too late

Maybe a big mistake

Maybe i don’t know maybe i do

Just wait 

And it will come true

What 

I must beat this feeling of worry 

This feeling of loss 

Nothing can stop me from 

Dancing 

Turning on ny lava lanp

Watching avacado

Stop hurting my nails

Trying