Sunday, August 17, 2025

You dumb goat

I want to scream 
Starbucks cannot be enough the black bucket of caffiene inside my veins
I want to scream
Holding hands
Calm 
Laughing yet 
My heart beats uncontrollably
I have no control really
This strong inflatable woman 
Yet really legs pressing voices agonising
People misunderstanding
Anxious they say 
Manly they say
But weak i am
Lost i am 
My branches coming out like malformed genetic hybrids
I look and do as  mum 
But its unmagical
I want to acream 
Love love love

The type that walks in hotels crisp of the edge of wanting something never found never known 
The heartbreak shines of her eyes the ones that fall after she thinks its all over but her heart burns in agony… for all of that
And then the type that makes men press on the pedal of their bmw faster harder to reach… her
Just to see just to be
Just to 
Make me feelempty ashe gets his  coffee and goes upstairs

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -