my turmoil is now showing

 Everything is not in the right place

not great

was the answer

i saw it in his face in the morning

and then they saw it in mine

so it must be getting bigger

this void between who i pretend to be and who i really am

things unimaginable

i am unbreakable and i dont know whats right anymore

transferring the opposites of my duaas i am the black cloud

and i am pennyless in good activity

and i am carrying a heavy load

of regret and actions that should be sanctioned

my mind

putty

my hands iron

for benefit of no one

my heart probably clogged

my legs strong but useless

my face swollen

my ears

tired

my eyes

angry

like her they will tell 

one day

my mouth  lacking

my watsapp confused

my water

not drunk

my muscles fading

i am the definition of wrong

and theyre right

i cant stand facing myself

the truth is

i cant stand facing myself

thats why i hate being at home

i cant stand myself

i cant stand anything about me

the woman in me

is like a monster that must stay quiet in front of people

so take it there

i am angry with myself a great deal

i have hurt myself a great deal

i am pushing myself for all the wrong reasons

for example

non one can give me love except myself

unless i give it first 

other peoples love is voluntary 

i can never ever make them give it 

and that is why i feel so empty

waiting for others to fill me

only my love is what i can ask for and what i deserve

i am angry with myself 

this is not what i promised myself

this is nothing  like what i can be 

and right now its doesnt matter whats in the future

but it does matter that i am comfortable with myself

isnt it strange that i spent three weeks and i never once felt guilty

and then things happen and suddenly in 3 days i felt the weight on my shoulders

and all this guilt 

and all this anger

and all this turmoil and dsigust

in just 3 days taking them with me

into this black hole i so desperately want to crawl out of

i cant begin to imagine how annoyed she is with me

my frustration is now hers

and my fears are now her own

and today something else happened

being put in the middle

will he be the judge of us

this isnt the picture of the family i want to create

and nothing is wrong in it except me