Thursday, August 5, 2021

Walls

Between each other
Why bother
Sometimes 
But then I remember the grandness of love

I search and search 
 It I just can’t find the answer
To finding myself

Ropes I hold
Thoughts i mould
Into nothing
Hours
Scared and meaningless

Walls of fear
Walls in my tears
Walls between my soul and heart

Thumbs and phone work all the time
Walla of repetition
Blind me
I am hypnotised
The poorest resolution

But I would never do that 
Walla of madness walla of bad luck or things bad done 
Standing with the wrong crowd or having the wrong anger
Walla of mistakes that you don’t even know are mistakes
Walla of dreams that you fall from each and every day

IM so sleepy
Leaning against my walls of life
It’s all a haze
A daze
Of brokenness

Walls to build things a future
And walls that need to be broken

I am sad from who I’ve become
Although I know my heart is white
But who cares
The walls won’t let anyone see 

Tommorow is her true last day of Creche
I feel tormented with a joyful pain 
That she is so big and get so small 
I still remember so frightened so In jittered worry to just have her
And here she is nearly 5
And her true last day of Creche
I have seen her break many walls
But I am the reason for her sadness too 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -