Friday joy... A new start

Friday chapters

New feelings and born ideas and strengths

Friday beauty in its peace offering

Its honesty within those hours of calm

Of subtle work

Friday quench of all the weeks trouble and divine chance for making a miracle

You

Friday existence

Always a proud honor to be a part of it

Adding more

Adding new

Adding something

Something

Changing something

Making something

Believing in yourself and in your goodness

As i start this friday i think 

All i want is to be obssessed with myself in the healthiest happiest of ways

Dear Allah

DeAr allah

Thank you for your treasures

For your secretive hidden ones that are hard to  find

For your  processes that bring me happiness even though i am not worthy and selfish 

But i know that i am a good person and that allah is there for me... To forgive me

And dear allah ... I thank you for your kind gifts Nd your expensive gifts

Your moments of hardships that give me those everlasting happiness

Ya allah

I ask your forgiveness

Your joy

Your situations thT teach me

That bring me sucess all from your patience

Ya allah

Forgive me

And bring me closer to everything healthy amd good

Ya allah 

 

Me i just want to be me

Why do i love the house of angels that dont love me? 

I love their space, their tries and cleanliness that suceeds., their good thinking and healthy yumy delicious sexy food, made with the upmost care and love 

So much love you can see flowers breaking free with joy dancing around the house

Floating above the faith

Releasing joy and happiness and strength wherever they go

I love their garden

Filled with identity and questions being answered

New things

And nice things

And pretty things

And things thought of and dreamt and hard work paying off

I love their pigtails and their toobs that are fresh and plain coloured

Wasnt that my idea? 

Just like the strawberry smoothie

Also my idea

So why does it feel a million times nicer at their house

It doesnt feel like the world at their house

If feels like discipline is easy and beauty is sound and everyrhing is possible or impossible and it feels like a palace

And then i look at my own home and i think 

I am a lovely person maybe more than them 

I am a clean person i am an imaginative person

A modern and exciting person

And so i deserve credit for my own home

The one my family built and the one that ive been living in... Happily, calmly, sweetly, kindly and honestly i do love more than anything

But i want to improve 

I want to merge my own greatness with theirs

My own imaginations with new ones

My own explorations with theirz

I want to mix my life with the goodness that o see

The role model that i want to reach

And i only want to go forward

Want to reach somewhere 

Want to be somewhere

For i am in the middle

For i look at a house like this one

Once something now just nothing

Worst than nothing worst than evil and worst that pain

Just scarecrows and blackbirds

Just black clouds and rotten things rotten  rotten things and rotten feeling

Really that apple with worms inside

With complete failures and complete devil  employment

This house is a manly gross monster

Like a broken down hotel with no identity

Just a bunch of people living together

Trying to make something of themselves

With the ugliness thatthey have

No flowers here

Just bats hiding in the trees and misery blowong in the air

This place is maddening

And yet

Here i am comparing some partsofme with some partsof it

Yet alwayz i come back to my dreams

Look forward to the place i want to be like so much and that is...

Me

The phonecall

Aw thats nice

Just a telephone filled with prayers

I dont deserve

My love is channeled to those who dont want it and yet to those who do ... i fail

I feel like i am a mutter of unnecessary broken things inside me

Like turmoil within me

Why am i like this,?

Unfair and mean when theyre so nice

But i know that life is balanced

And just as i am kind they are also selfish 

But i am indifferent to my emotions

I do love my family

And i dont particularly deserve all those prayers

If i hadnt answered no prayers

Simple as that 

So why do i deserve? 

And here i am thinking about other people

Like a love affair

Someone elses family

Someone elses tries and hardships

Someone elses thoughts and way of life

Exactly like an intruder

And yet i am still intruding

Yet where i am accepted and loved

I dont feel like i belong

Now that is tormenting and evil and a personality shocker

I belong in my family

No one can choose their family

And i love my family

The ones who have failed me i can only simply fail them

The ones who have dissapointed me

I can only simply try to let go

The ones who i cannot understand i can only simply try to ignore the misunderstandings

The ones who i have fought with

I can only simply ask for forgiveness 

The ones who anger me

I can only simply hide those blazing emotions from the camera

The ones that care

I can only simply care back

And the ones that love

I can only simply love back

But whatever i do 

I cannot substitute 

I cannot love another family and hope and woth for their familial love back

No i cannot and i will not

Striving for...

I love their atmosphere

Like clouds of soft calmness and perfection instilled upon a world of drama

No, no drama here

Just the discovery of fresh flowers and juice

People connected like goodness is to a sweet heart

Beautiful draping curtains

Outstand a carefully created garden

Grown for hope and freshness

Like the tasty aubergine musaka amazing friday lunch they may have

Maybe with a new recipe of cake at the end

I see the fresh toobs 1/3/5 colours ironed crisp in the layers of beauty of their home

The dove used monthly

The antiques in the bathroom

The joys of a perfect wonder of subtle people heroes of their day

And yet... I dont like everything

Not their protruding boring extravaganza of talk 

Or is it that my words are so monster i see theirs as magnifecent torment of silence of discipline

Yes discipline 

That i definitely do not have

Oh i wish i could live there

Or would i get bored

If i learnt about the mechanics

The travel of light of a new day

Electricity or not

Shines through their windows and doors

Even when closed

I am desperate for their love that i will never have

But what i want more than ever is to find a resolution

With myself

A space to love all i have so that i can turn it into what they have... And what i have

Now that would be special

That would be unique

And magnifecent

Beautiful khartoum 

Meets travelling beauty

Meets artistic knowledge

And happiness

Yes., i love them 

But i love my fantasy more

more than a gift

Do you have a name?
is it joyous or magnificent or proud
is free but hte most expensive gift on earth
is it unbelievable or tormented with happiness
is it beyond speakable trust in you
and in myself
is it beyond explainable dreams coming true
i just cant feel it or even come near to grasping it
or even controlling it
realy me?
is this happening to me?
but iam the one who doesnt deserve
theres a difference between one who doesnt know do they even deserve or not
it doesnt matter to them theyre not even on that level  of
what does Allah think of me?
but I am the one who always hs this conscience tht hurts because i waste all good things given to me
like money
or beauty cream
or good salads
or books
or magazines
or anything
and so i think do i really deserve  a new gift upon all others i have?
but this isnt just any gift
no this is beyond a gift
this is beyond happiness
it is beyond my belieifs
this is beyond faith and trust and hope and love and laughter
this is Allah loving me
cherishing me
having me with all my sins
accepting me
having me in his arms and giving me this treasure
this is Alh wanting me and not giving up on me
when i gave up on myself


to be continued .....

Dear Allah _ thank you and I am so happy

Dear Allah
no matter how much i thank you
it is not enough
not enough power , not enough words, not enough kindness within me to convey truly how much kindness you have given me
there are not enough ways i could begin t cover my gratitude and all the happy feelings i'm feeling
whether they're right or wrong
justified or not
i could not thank you enough for your love
for your kindness
for your trust in me
for not making me in that percentage
for helping me and fixing me
and changing me
and helping me to change my heart
Dear Allah
I thank you for your offerings
and for your blessings
for your promotion and for your true heaven that you have instilled upon me
Dear Allah
there's nothing wrong with being happy
theres nothing wrong with loving your gifts
with feeling proud and happy
with feeling kind to yourself
with feeling like
yes i do deserve
yes i can have
yes I can feel all the things i wanted to feel and all the things i wanted to have and all the things i yearned to dream can come true
all from Allahs giving
and miracles to me
i am so happy
and i am not going to be afraid of being happy
am not going to be inconsiderate of my feelings
or my experiences
whats been is been
whats happening is happening
and am going to live that
with every happiness in my soul
Ya Allah
I just cannot thank you enough
and i cannot thank you truly and honestly for all the beautiful things you have given me
thank you Allah
thank you