turning mad

Hello there
you are a fool
not knowing anything about your turmoils you only add some
here you are today
super in your dreams
and yet you want to be unhappy
you want to be sad
you want to be worried
and yet
allah gives you success
gives you fresh days
gives you a promise
gives you a chance
but you dont take any of that
you just like to take the trouble of the devil
that evil friend around you
telling you its just not going to work
and so you cannot enjoy
cannot believe
cannot fathom
cannot prevent pain coming to you
you are wrong

you are driving yourself into misery
and you need a new way to exit this madness
for really you re turning mad

A bad thought of selfishness

Ya allah 

Forgive me

For i have made so many bad thoughts generating from my stupid evil brain cells that i deserve to have nothing

I deserve nothing

But i ask u to forgive me

For i am weak 

Weaker than all 

The weakest

Feeling so easily tempted to think these bad thought

Ans these bad ways

And these selfish moments

But u are kind ya allah

You are most forgiving

Forgive me 

Ya allah

Im sorry for the first thoughts that come out of my head

Simply

Please dont punish me for them 

Please dont take your good because of my bad

Please dont hate me because of my evil ways ya allah ya rab

re: everything about me

you have to throw this waste away
if you feel better , then you feel better
if you feel bad, you have to realise a lot of it is in your head
if you feel lazy you have to remember all the energy that got you here in the first place
if you feel down, you have to remember how long youve been waiting for this moment
if you feel helpless , remember you are helpless
except to pray
if you feel weird, then try compile a new system to feel
if you feel impatient, then remember the time will pass either way
and remember fanta
theres just no need to be impatient
remember the trust in the way the world works
if you feel sick, remember the deaths of others due to their sickness
if you feel wicked , remember the angels around you and within you
if you feel tormented with fear, remember their is no fear greater than allah
if you feel lost, remember how you can find yourself
if you feel taken by life and swirling in difficulty, remember a new experience will always be hard
dont make it harder than it already is
dont make it difficult for yourself
dont make it strange for yourself
dont make it a horrible experience
dont make it a broken experience
dont write your own fate
let it be written for you


..... and live 

feeling not myself

my biggest fear
losing
my biggest weakness
believing in that loss
my biggest misunderstanding
my body
I dont know how to react to my body
my biggest miscommunication
my happiness
my biggest disaster
my troubles
my mobile
my readings
of everyone elses fearsm weaknesses, misunderstandings, miscommunications, disasters and troubles
 I wish i was dumb
I wish i didnt know anything
I wish  i just didnt care about anything
I wish i wasnt so clever
cuz im just not clever
I wish i wasnt so lost
i wish was reassured not mechanically
but through my soul
I wish i wasnt so tired from the heart
I wish i was kinder to myself
I wish
I wish
ayamun ma3doodat
so how are you going to count them?

The flat woman

I got to feel better

Its not going to work like this

Am a mess

Am a train wreck

A broken fool

For the devil to walk on me 

For the blackbirds to poo on me

For the screams of fear to echo on me

Its all a bad effect

A Weakness

The result of poor eman

The result of nothing inside me

The result of all the ropes ive let go of

The result of all the words i havnt read and the commitments to allah i havnt finished

And yet hes still kind and honest to me

Imagine giving a million pounds just to someone

Even if thatperson wasnt good or even if they were even bad

Wiuld u 

Never

But allah gave me

More than a million pounds

No wonder am a plane crash of a woman

Ya allah- priceless is worth a lot

Dear allah

You chose me

Thank you for your timeless gifts

For ive been waiting

And you didnt forget

And you didnt delay

Although i dont deserve

And now here i am

With a priceless gift

And suddenly i dont care abiut black dye being the epitomy of beauty or deepened flowers and the whirl of expensive and troublesome things

It just doesnt matter i cant stand the difference

For i feel different and i look different 

Love is in my body and all my hopes and dreams

So i dont care abiut the blacknesso f flowers and the twirls and twists of a simple story 

I care about the big story

The one ive been waiting for

Helloo

What happens when your dreams come true

All their details and love their beating heart and their secret findings

All their minute details and your expressionless moment

So at that moment

You dont know what to feel except be proud and motionless

To be continued...

Dear allah ... Thank you for today , for this, for now

Here i am

In a balcony almost unbelieving of my gratitude

From the simple silence that hosts the miracle of a 4.07 am balcony

Where u will never find this peace here like this

A miracle

I let the cool wind embrace me 

Another kindness

And the stuff that came

Another prayer answered

And 40 days in 

Another day counted as a blessing

For here i am 

Under the umbrella of allahs giving 

And yet

Am a nervous wreck

My head hurting my body trembling

My mind a cold sweat

Diseased with worry

But this balcony saves the day

Sways the night

And heals me

For my body doesnt need this right now

No it doesnt need this stress

Rather it needs to be reminded how glorious it is

How wondrous it is

How amazing its doing

And im expexting from it only what allah desires

Ya allah help me reach whrre i yearn

Let it my time 

Let it come and relax me

Help me and protect me

Mainly frommyself

For i kno u wil only give me what i cam handle

Just thank you

Dear allah 

There are no amount of words to let you know how lucky i feel

How happy i am 

How strong u have made me in a time where i could have been low

There are no words to let u know how direct i am in my feelings to let u know thank you and that i love u 

Yes i am scared

But i know i could never ask for more

Dear allah 

Thank you for everything for now

For then

For tomorow 

For everyday 

Thank you ya allah 

For how i feel right now

For all the kindnesses you send along my way

Thank yu for all this

Thank you

I cant thank you enough

Thank you for this ya allah

I can just feel your presence 

Your love

And i am here

Pkeawe allah 

Dont let me go 

Hold me in your arms and never let me gofor i desperately need ur love

And your treasures

Accept me and help me and forgive me

And dont let me go

Protect me

And ya allah samihni

For i love you

And i love who i am because of u

And i love how i look and 

What am feeling

And what could be happening to me

Ya allah 

Please take away my worries

Take away my mistakes

And help me add credit which i so luckily nees

Ya allah 

Devour me in your plan 

Please allow me to be this new gift i beg for

Please allow me

Please help me ya allah 

Please help me

Nothing that i should be

Am worried sick

I cant get over this worry

Am very strangely gloomyy

When i should be a miracle

Am feeling lost

Not that woman i need to bam breaking apart

Am weak

Am just a soft mess

Just a liquefying degeneration

Am totally useless

My thoughts are malignant

Killing all healthy within me

Killing all nice

Killing all promises and possibilities

My thoughts are just taking over

Waiting for death...

Right now am nothing that i should be

I am here .... those underground stops

am feeling excited , promoted, existing in a circle of love
im feeling trusting, joyous , proud, new, motivated

am feeling urging, gotta change my whole self, my whole being, my whole expression

gotta be more like eliaine
would never shout
would never be ungirly
would never be unsweet
everything would be sweet
for her
and how she does things
or asi
the strength of  horse and the queitness of a princess of the fields
such fierceness and yet such calm
like  a slow storm
like an unpredicted future but a one i yearn for and pray for and wish for
like that calm storm or the princess in the field
for i conquer my body and Allah gives me what he desires - i have no control but to wish, but to admire, but to believe, but t hope, but to love
as much as I can
from deep deep inside
to change and be the one i need so Allah gives me wht I need
for i am here
i am here
awaiting change
awaiting strength
awaiting a miracle
awaiting the hope within me to rise

ll those times on planes i dreamt and wished and prayed
all those times crossing bridges from wedding parties
all those times late at night in bed as a young girl looking at the stars and setting the alarm clock for school
all those times alone in apartments
all those times in the tube alone in a city - i was always a strong woman
i was always with Allah , he was always with me
i just realised i forgot this
i forgot that girl that didnt know how good her future is
the girl who worked hard and trusted on that future
the girl who made mistakes yer but who asked for forgiveness more and more
the girl who loved, who took care of her , who took care of me
no matter how hard that was
and now I ask i take care of me
I ask Allah does not let me go

I ask that the skies open up with gifts
and the roads silence with bowing of life
i ask the road then lengthens
i ask an bothar fada is fada
is long
for ya Allah i am awaiting this journey
i am awaiting your treasures
i am awaiting your miracles