Saturday, February 22, 2014

random 1st try

I knew I could do it
trusted myself and i suceeded
booked my life away
am excited for a different day
but am angry with myself like a wicked queen
wanna burn my village and never look back
cuz the guilt would be tremendous and strength I lack

am glad i did something new and strange
she looked amazing like she never changed
like she was new and old all at the same time
like she never moved into days like all of us like she was fine
and in that instant it didnt matter if her life was terrible or not for me

i desperately wanted to be her in me

am enstranged in everything i do
lost in trying to change , trying to be free
my skin is like an ugly monster

I wonder why her eyes were red
maybe its all my fault and i deserve to .... nothing
i dont deserve any of what i have
 I treat her like nothing and yet shes everything
for without her I wouldnt be here
and i didnt choose her but Allah chose her
and i dont deserve any of this
any of this


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -