Sunday, March 16, 2014

Life is a laptop battery

its funny .. a simple example can change my whole perspective
No electricity - shouldnt have cut but here I am in a Khartoum afternoon/ late afternoon amidst a silence I actually enjoy
I hate to admit but today is one of those days I  deep inside actually  like when that the electricity cuts - a peaceful existence of time and space where you can do nothing but actually look right inside your soul for you can see nothing , hear nothing , be nothing but you
I turn on my lap top and read 64% remaining - I am suddenly taken aback at the short energy we have
just like my laptop i have a stop sign to me
a baattery that will run out one day
maybe sooner maybe later
am ashamed instantly at who I am
like a woman fragmented into a million pieces
like all the pieces of dust around me just flying helplessly into the air
thats how I feel
where is my love for who I am
where is my need for Allah
where is my joy for religion
where is my strength for health
I feel like that grip i used to demand i own is forcefully going or gone
I feel like that rope i always used to hold has slipped
I feel like im just circling really dizzy

and I ask myself
isnt your life like this laptop battery
ar you not racing against time in life just like you are racing with time to finish work and do a lot before it cuts
isnt Allah in charge of how much time you have? can you do anything about that?
can you do anything about the cut electricity
must you not wait for it to come without a singly type of control? and the only control you have is doing as much work as possible
same as in life the only control you have is being the best you can be using the time you have being the nicest you can be , the happiest, the kindest, and the most pure

i feel like my life has all been set  into a small example
like in science or maths
to the power of.... life is a laptop battery

trust me the problem is within you

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -