Friday, March 28, 2014

failing to see

gotta get out of this mess
a big solid introduction of abnormal flavour
am just sitting here doing nothing
feeling nothing
being nothing

and how cani be lost if ive got nowhere to go
but my nowhere is the smpty space ahead of me
it feels like im going there

absent from everything i want to be
and anything i can be
am a projection of millions of debris just floating in a random area
noone can pick me up cuz i dont know where i am

imagine a cold, dark, ocean, that God has created
how i miss the thousands of miles away i used to be
in a cozy hut with a hot cup of tea and everything will be alright
and perfect
all those disney colours and flowers
no wreckage or wooden sticks dug on my heart
no feelings of horrid despair
a gulp of fury
a lack of intimacy within myself

words, the pieces of me that I cannot make no more
dont know what htey mean no more
i really dont know who i am no more

and am so happy and yet unhappy at the s ame time
like im exchanging my coins not in the black market
where you get more money than you should
am feeling selfish, jealous, weak,

here I am always given chances
always been given health
and yet i dont want it seems
until maybe it will come real
and how i beg for a new opportunity
called ____________
but i never even know how to wish for it

cuz am just a jealous purple of a kind
want to know everything that doesnt belong to me
want to be nothing i should be
want to have everything i dont
and dont give a _________ about what i have

is the delicate morsel i drink from
and dark bread of lack of forgiveness
for i just canot forgive myself
for being so naive

and ..........pathetic

something tore within me when it all got torn away
and i could see it in their eyes
and maybe or definitely history is repeating itself

for im always the kind to be slapped inthe face
5 instead of 1
27 instead of 67
so until then if
what am i gonna do
white instead of yellow
a lot instead of a little
today instead of the past

to be continued

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -