Thursday, February 20, 2014

blurred in the future

gonna put my frustration in a timeless zone
and forget about my questions that make me feel alone
patterns of a madness I dont want to console
they make me feel terrible, they make me be wrong
I know im a strange one
maybe its all me
maybe im the one who doesnt understand all the parts of me
parts that make me
and parts that break me
parts that fake me
and parts that earn me

for I know im at war with myself
i know im bleeding inside
too in pain to go find that wound
it hurts too much to put pressure 
like a shadowless human being
just walking a path... sometimes feeling so isolated
so lost
barely knowing my name
or what it means to me
barely understanding why am here
in this life , with this life, and after this life
forgetting the most important parts of a stranger
and trying to find the meanings in another
I dont make sense no more
am so enstranged , so in denial
am lazy like an ugly crocodile
am weak like a tormented soul should be
exactly the definition of a childish soul
one who wants a toy until ever after to hell
a ll communication lost with a beautiful woman inside
one who writes , one who commands , one who reads, one who thinks , one who ....

feeling like a detective - but never reaching for the solution
maybe a bit of evidence , but never the end
always stuck in the middle
 trying to hold on but too heavy with burden

of a faithless creation of someone i dont even know
that part of me I dont even know
that part of me who doesnt listen to Quran no more
 or pray on time no more
or listens to azan no more
or listen to quran with hope and breath no more
or does tasbeeh no more
or has a focus on who she is no more

dont know who I am no more
am just blurred..........

to be continued

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -