Dissapointment

feeling like a drama queen, without the drama
lost and insane in the insides of my mind calm outside
others scream for me unintentional loudness
without a necessary cause

its all ....useless

all pointless
and so  I become lifeless
making myself ill

the day went terribly wrong
and there was no way out
like the wicked queen who held all the reigns of her castle
from the wonderful fairies
that wanted to achieve a gem in the gem of their territory
but the gem was empty from the slavery of her conduct
for the ruler of the kingdom who treated all ... terribly
a woman divorced from kindness
in that very moment of day

not like her
or is it>?
I think shes always been like that
but in small doses
so should I blame her?
it is her way
like I
stubborn arrogant and ignorant
genetically framed ?
or truly a mean person?
I dont know
All I know is
I Wish I was different


and i know she means well but instead
shes just really mean and she does it well


whats the point in having a white heart if no one can see it?
or in having a strong charachter if everyone gets beaten by it instead of saved
whats the point in being wise if the words are split by anger and come out deaf
in being good if the day went bad
youve been preparing for this for such a long time
and ... you failed

big time
and deep down im dissapointed in you and myself for believing in you
and worst in the way I should have put my trust in others who were kinder and sweeter and better but you didnt give them a chance and I trusted you.. so i didnt give them a chance either
feel like I have no clue no morethere is a fragile scene
one big chance to make it all perfect
all up to you to make it all perfect
life runs still as the kingdom is in her hands
and .... the population awaits to see her kindness
but a little bit of the dark witch appears
wanting magic but giving a a black plate
no, nothing, no one could say she was the right one
everything was short from my dearest loved one
and I felt I wwish I could scream
and say -  YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOURE DOING!
but I was locked in a room
like a treasure
now i feel without shine
for the whole day was .... priceless
without the real meaning
literally just a priceless day

except the part where all the control of my life went to someone else....

a new day

Like a new white page that has just been opened
fresh from the past and glittering with promises
my heart runs with adrenaline seconds that will become a lifetime
its a wise moment - watching yourself become someone else

All is beautiful, I try and forget the ugly
All is wise, I ask to make haste with the dumb
for some can be like north is to south from elegance
but I want it to be on my left hand.... elegance

strange to have to sit in
but all of a sudden relaxation swifts by and I hear true music
and feel honest love
no need to be for it is done

Like an ocean washing memories away
and leaving the sand crisp at the bay
to be footprinted on whichever way
We choose

for I has become Us
and me has become him
and myself is invisible
without our
 ________________________________________

not like me to not know what to say
but the words have all run away
into the past like the way my soul has been shocked
a dream come true , all these thousands of people
coming to evidence me.. into a new era of my life

I stand at the window and see my fate put in the hands of another
not like me to be crucially un involved
a lesson? a blessing?
that life is not the way I think/// at all

bullets fly in the air
happy seconds , really flying seconds
all the people I love loving me back
even though i dont deserve

Ya Allah .... I am lost
and wanna be found
I am tired and wanna be awake
I am weak and want to be strong
I think im strong but im really ......not
so weak to emotions
so powerless to enjoy time


I once wrote my title as lost under control
I realise I am totally out of control
trying so hard to be in control of everything
but really its a part of insecurity
and  just brings misery
to be so tempted to decide everything
yesterday made me understand
its important to be lacking control sometimes


I felt like the world was mine and perfect
felt like the reasons for living were correct
and the choices for a bright future were honest
I felt nothing wrong
felt like the sun was falling down on a treasure
a new golden bond

The last time to use the picture

The last time
there is a last time for everything
sometimes you dont know it
like that was the last time i saw the old man
or that was the last time Ill ever be the same
or this is the last time i ll ever use this picture
used it for Light
it reminded me of a young girl so tormented in life
although her white soft skin could write miracles
but instead she ended up writing a far away village like Afghanistan maybe...
without the blue and the gun shot
Light... a girl who was forced to be  a woman in a child
so wrongly I wish I could beat them all over it
but i can do nothing about it
for she is wicked to me and she is angry at me and the world
like me... except I am angry at myself
I dont know what she thinks
maybe shes lucky
maybe shes happy for a while
but I know shes in a prison surrounded by these green walls
of lostt transparancy and a beautiful grandmother
maybe she would have saved us all
 no one speaks well of him and i notice there is no Allah irhamu
I know he deserves it I only find a rough spot when i think of him for he had no mercy and
no love
but no one whos passed away deserves that so Allah Irhamu wa Igfir leehu
time heals all even though I havnt felt it
Last time I saw the girl in they yello cardigan
fate meant us to meet and part at exactly the same time
instant of seconds it was all the last time
a coincidence
travelling continents airports and substances of lives meeting each other only similiar at 72 beats per minute and 12 breaths per minute to meet for the very first and last time
yellow cardigan girl she was like rotten rats inside
and nobody knew
...
nobody knew

that was the last thursday
and that was the last time I ever saw my room the same
life changes
and if you dont accept it  - it tears you open as you are pulled forwards and back at the same time
this is exactly what is happening to me

when will it be the last time to live at war? and feel so much pain?

wish I could just erase my soul and start writing it again

I wish i had a big rubber to erase them into white
always erasing them into white
winter white.. that golden dantelle that I fight about in my head with a priceless girl
but jasmine is expensive... I just cannot see it
its me that is worth nothing
not even a penny
wanna say the same thing again
he gives me strange advice running over the nile
nearly making an accident
I ask Allah to save me
Odd
Forgot about Allah a long time ago
but he suddewenly races through my heartbeat
cuz I wanna live
Please Allah dont let him hit us!
please let me get out safe!
I do get out safe
without a thread on me
and suddenly its back to promising myself to feel awful
as if I didnt just feel on top of the world
today is Friday the 13th and I don't wanna mention it in my condolence of memory
and weakness
I beg for nothing to happen
Ya Allah let nothing happen because I realise 13 is my lucky number but I've done everything to make it unlucky!! 
but 2013 had been amazing
and with 18 days to go
there is nothing to ask no more
my nails are sore
wanna know everything that I could possibly know
and yet I never seem to know anything
like a cloud of misery
they say hes sick 
Dont really know him but I know hes counting the days
feel sorry for myself I cant see that we can be similiar
dont want to feel like that ........ever
and yet  I feel like it everyday

wanna be a new woman every second living like the old one
dont have the money ?
dont have the time?
dont have the strength
dont have the knowledge
im a creature bald with arrogance
primitive
I am
a primitive female

wish I was covered by something
anything////

(feeling like a homeless person in winter of Sudan)
wishing there was that tropical heat once more
always wishing what I dont have/////

18 days to forever

They laugh out loud and all is well
washing dishes for the big day, today is a good day
inshallah
I sauna my worries away
although they cling on to me they just wanna stay
around me and halo me instead
of an angel
they say angels are on a bride
I dont feel like I have any on me
probably true
that i dont have any , they all run away from this unfaithful disaster
 nagwa didnt come today
my skin is in a deep worry
layers and layers of yesterday
dark and twisted like the story of a misunderstood fairytale
my fairytale
its all coming true
all coming real
and yet i feel like..... steel
tough and solid
but not that kind of tough and solid
the one where the amjad driver marries 3 because of your kind
tough and solid
...ugly
I say there is no ugly woman
but I am
...ugly
filled with commotion and wrong distributions of red hot blood
like a devil in my system
unabke to write a case about myself
never mind others
..history repeats itself
dissapointment
and delay
of beauty in the mind
no
just repetition of laziness
and  a mindless mind
 I am alone
sometimes its good
like the times I was in the UK living next to the Queen feeling like a Queen
and sometimes its bad
jsut all alone in a house filled with people that are never close to me
and only I rely on me
im doing well
turning the brakes on and trying to stop the titanic from hitting the iceberg
reversing the pull gear
theres no time to go slow
but melting in the vapour helps
and chlorine isnt all that bad
I miss my friend
she is no longer with me
dont know what i did wrong
maybe demanding and persuasive like jewelery
but I only wanted the best thing
never meant to be so far away from my faith
an existence i hate .. heavy word
no milk in the freezer
but there is no whiteness inside me either
Doctor....
its just an opinion
1000,1000 and 500 pieces of 2500 parts of me going to a million houses
my name... in a million houses
all expecting to see me
.... shine
but I am a dusken loss of paradise in a fishy world
a voice blunt with fear
dont care about the exam
... I linger into madness
.............. and there are only 18 days to forever

 
 

3 metres long

somewhere along the banks of the Nile there sits a woman who had fate with a Jasmine- she ran her sowing machine until she made her a 3 metres long dress - beautiful
I know it will be beautiful but will it be .... inspired by a new princess and a faithful heart? will it be flattered by simplicity and draping in elegance - choice from long ago and melting in true honor and dedication to love and wonder that life is great and romantic.. yes its romantic
a little bit of beyonce
a spark of marylin
a mesmerising art of asi - the woman of horse and soft eyes
a blend of keyvek - infinite with black silk hair
a tremble of huyam - the woman that changed a king , tempting to the core until you cannot do anything but want her
a whisk of khadeega , innocent and in love
a portion of maryam - glistening faith and confidence -   I will not let you down
 and a whole of hope - the woman who cannot be anything but desire to be amazing
and accepted in heaven - and there is no comparison
except that extravagance is not in anything but the holder of a pure heart
extravagance is not in anything but the smart mind
extravagance is in everything in you and yet you always ponder in its invisibility
and never question the reason why youre alive without its lamps
shining like you had light all over your body - from doing the right thing
__________________________________________________________________________
you always love engulfing in the differences between those stubborn, lost and arrogant
are you not arrogant? always fishing out your blessings like they were the punishments on others
like only you deserve their touch
like only you know how to deal with them
.....

( to be continued)...

The last chapter

As this year comes to a close, I try scrape my forgotten memory and break free
This year was beautiful but I did so many things to make it ugly
THis year was life changing but I did so many things to not change my life around
this year was a dream come true but i did so many things to lose the extravangance of those four words
a dream come true
This year was religionless
yes I lost my faith somewhere -Last time I saw it was Ramadan 2012
I dont know how Ill remember 2013 happy or sad from myself


To be continued

Where am I?

 

or exceptional identity

 

I dont want to forget everything that I am - Ya Allah zakirni - Ya Allah dont let me be a terrible person -a woman with thorns only hurting herself for as she sits she stings and she walks she is sharp and she lies down she pinpoints with pain and as she talks she flings knives -- --

-
Azans try break to enter inside i am a tough piece of skin - a mobile existence barely living - I am unsure of my capabilities and must be reminded of htem everyday - I must be compared with others to have a single cell of confidence and I am a clone of a dark shadow


I miss my friend  - we used to write to each other and one of us forgot - dont know which one but all I remember is the gym and the brunch coffees - always a deal - but now no more - missing who I was

Fatma is a lead woman - getting up at 6 i nthe morning to come into town to clean peoples houses and having an uplifting personality as if she was in the UK with a great job , her own apartment, and lots of money to buy things she doenst need - super happy and super hardworking - because at 5.30 in the evening she has a class for the illiterate to learn to read and write - arabic, english and maths - but before she goes she brings down any dry laundry from the sitooh

I see the negativities in others like bright sparks - but never to help or to fix within myself - always to bring down and to overjoy in how I dont do those things - then i must be better - its just a different sin maybe your are greater - Comparison like chocolate flakes but instead of being cool and soft on my skin they burn me like a waft of a dream gone wrong

200 to travel , she falls of the wagon, and gets on the norm, I am heartbroken and shy - I am tragic and pathetic for I compared myself to a leafless tree - maybe beautiful but definitely bare - I dont want to be bare or leafless and now I am crude oil - expensive -

20 for fruit, 22 for vegetable if I eat all that i got will I be a new woman? will all those vitamins and minerals deextend me and reshape me into that faithful woman with a great memory - Ya Allah  I lost my memory - but I wont let you down - I will go search for it until I find it - in every police station I have to -

its ironic to race a car amazingly in a movie and die in one in reality - but its not ironic that fairytales and unreal and reality is - but its not true that fairytales are wonderful and reality is scarce -no reality can be amazing, young, true , meaningful, encouraging, open, wonderful and mesmerising - the same feelings you get in a film, just without the lies and with a prayer mat, and a Quran, your Quran on the side

Cant trust anyone but yourself but I dont even trust myself no more - a heavy calamity I am and today is the 5th - where is the answer and why hasnt it been released yet? where is the answer - oh Allah where is the answer? i know there is an answer to every solution - is it that I dont deserve it yet - is it tehre and I cant see it? what must I change to see it? what must I do to feel it?


that unity with my heart and soul for I truly am a fragmented response to nothing - alert and asleep - strong and shattered, wise and dumb - what differs me from Fatma is nothing short of her being better and happier

what differs me from blessing is everything far but me enjoying the beautiful and delicious details Allah designed my life with

What differs me from purity is a dream and reality - for in the dream I am pure - and in relaity its just painful to watch -

What differs me from the woman I am and the woman I want to become is a black substance that regretfully holds me apart and together barely living and in a cloud of forgetfullness that once I held my Life in my own hands and made my own choices and created my own wonderful and prosperous identity- once I was like a kingdom and my fairytale meant something and was everything - down to the detail

the scent of beauty - smooth , the sound of faith, like the most beautiful tune - just this chandelier of honesty and gratitude and love for God is what i wanted to be all lit up and held up by that  non gravitational force of being a true soul - a soul that knows what its doing a soul not afraid to look at its own self no afraid of contradiction not afraid of time not afraid of thoughts not afraid of others


To be continued