Monday, August 1, 2011

Cleaning the past...... Ramadan 1

I clean my body from the poison of normality
Iwipe my heart from the whispers of insanity
time and time again but now time is worthwhile
simple things are precious and so life has meaning
life has beauty
today I prepare my life with Love
with patience
with meaning to be set free
I ask God to forgive me
and it makes sense
all I 've done
needs to be forgiven
All I've seen
needs to be forgotten
all I've heard needs to be fasted away.........
and so today is the first .....clean away
of dirt in the soul and pain in the mind
of twists of identity and breaks that I find
I find - all these breaks every second now that I have time to think .......
I find terribl ideas that have harvested within me
grown and grown until they have darkened any door to paradise
until today when I look all i see is thorns
 thorns of my mistakes thorns of my weaknesses thorns of my disgust thorns of my impatience my slugishness
and the more I look the more I see
I see how I've left myself behind to get pricked my all these uncut thorns
I see how Ive left myself fall - call and not be heard
I see how I've left myself behind and stopped taking care of myself
and so today is day 1 and all I see is ......How raw I really am

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -