Thursday, August 7, 2008

Just a part... of being apart...



I feel betrayed


Deep in my memories I cry to my fears as they continue to grow


Forever clapping for the show


In the darkness


I feel betrayed
By shadows that consume my wants and desires, they have the power to take whatever it is I cannot afford to buy


my love, my dreams, my passions


I feel betrayed


By so many souls


I feel betrayed


By wrong answers


I feel betrayed


By too many pains in my heart


I...feel...betrayed


Like a tune now stuck in my head


This is the position I tread


Losing all the ability to grasp your mind


Or control your eyes


Or begin to understand you, understand me


I feel betrayed that something so beautiful is so far away


I feel betrayed that you just cannot stay


With me...


You come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive


Like portals of fantasy you are the invisible drive


That passes in the swiftness and torment of my tears


You never try to rescue me from whatever appears


I scream for your attention that you should give me a chance


But you come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive


In the corners of my life you hide with no suprise


You will always be going when I come and leaving when I arrive


You look away and listen to everything not in my eyes





I drain colour


Lose armor


Gain a pale complexion of a breaking connection


Wires of love have been cut but


Leaving exposed nerves of feelings too painful to not


Kill


And it's easy


I mean...


You come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive


It's easy to slit my hopes into 2


Shatter the hurt into 4


Tear the loss into millions of fresh emotions soon to die in my arms


I breathe for your amazing charge


I beg for this romance that could be... so large


But


I feel betrayed


When I remember


We are in different directions


You will always come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive





But I think I love you more and more everyday

I think I want you more and more each day

I think I cry too many hours in my soul

I think I cannot forget how painful is my fall

I think I remember all the time what it feels like to never be noticed in you

I think I know how hard it's going to be to stop wishing for you
I think I've learned what it feels like to be betrayed...by you

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -