Moments after a summer time

I want to write about so many things, I want to change and fly in so many directions, become someone free like the birds and the breeze. I want to learn new ideas everytime, have different moments walk me by. I need to feel and see and hear, different goodness.

I need to dissappear from all that is messing up my mind, all that makes me cry and all that brings me someone who is not me.I need to find me. Why is it so hard?

To write, to feel, to think, to change, to dream, to consider never to be afraid, to control.

Love making

Destiny glides falling stars for my hands to catch but they slide through my fingers and I wonder why?

Do I ask too much

To feel his touch

I mean walls broken

And true words spoken

Meanings become a token for a beautiful day
Fate glistens open streets built from romance
Paved with softness from the sky
You are the reason why I walk as years go by
You open my eyes to directions near by
I can never get lost in this journey even if I tried

Are you perfect?

Should I intersect all my fantasies with you

Are you real?

Or am I going to cry, when all my dreams of you die

Are you mine?

Or will I pay the fine
Of thinking so...
__________

I want a love that gives the skies a reason to linger forever and the seas to beat upon the shores crashing into junctions of freedom.

Love making my eyes freeze upon your lines of creation, you are the deviation of my mistake to dream of love. I fixate all my desires on your lips and my hopes on your touch.

Like stars in your night I want to shine in you for eternity. This Love trembles the earth, melts sand into water, explodes volcanoes, rumbles mountains and mixes up galaxies, but I feel constant. Moving aspects of my feelings roll me in and out of consciousness of loving you blindly. I love to see you and remember you are here, Breathe you so my cycle of life begins again and again and hear you so everything makes sense.
_________

It's not weird, it's romantic

filled with blazes of fire and moments of promises

It's not strange, it's arranged

To be beautiful and smart, filled with art

It's amazing what you can do when your heart is shaking

...To create happiness.

Beautiful nightmare part 5

Lana held onto her husband with one hand and on her dress with the other. Sam’s hand was warm but hers remained cold, sam smiled but she kept looking down with no expression on her face. One excuse, she was a normal shy bride but the real excuse; within the deeps of Lana, she wished something different. Sam and Lana had gotten to the bottom of the stairs when the first person to approach her was her father. He had the broadest smile on his face and Lana smiled gently then when she saw him. She gave him her cheek and he kissed her strongly and at least Lana felt she was making someone important happy in her life… even if it wasn’t herself. She expected her mum to be behind her father but all she saw were other relatives and a string of long guests coming to congratulate. She also couldn’t see her sister Julia. As they approached the platform Lana knelt on Sam’s hand so she could lift herself up on it where the bride and groom chairs awaited them. Lana glanced at Sam and saw him smiling back at her; she couldn’t smile back. Then the important men of the family had gathered around; these were the men to marry Sam and Lana. Mum turned her body away from the house and folded her arms. ‘’now look here, I’m missing out on my daughters wedding’’, then she turned to Reem once more.’’ If you dare try one of your tricks tonight, I will call the police.’’ The threat in her voice could have been more than needed to threaten a whole country. But then she calmly turned to Julia, “and you… you are coming with me and there will be nothing more of this matter inside…do you understand?” Julia stayed quiet not understanding but convincing mum otherwise was impossible. “I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”, “yes”, Julia trembled. “Good, now go”, Mum waited to see Julia walk in front of her. Julia’s feet were hard as stone, not just from standing all that time on her heels, but as if they were shocked from all that was happening too. Julia glanced at Reem one last time who was positioned behind Mum. Her eyes were silently pouring rivers of tears. Julia felt deeply sorry for her, but now she felt even sorrier for her sister. “Do you Lana take this man to be your husband?” Lana thought pretending not to hear the question was too much fantasy. Convincing herself this was the only thing she could do, was more appropriate. “Yes”. The old respectful man with his wise wrinkled hand gave Lana an ink pen. Lana held it to write her name down next to Sam’s whose signature was just freshly wet and drying happily where it wanted to belong. Her hand froze near the page. Then she signed her name. To her, her signature looked dull and flaccid, as if it wasn’t her name. To everyone else it must have looked right because the old man closed his book and said happily, “I now pronounce you man and wife”. Lana then looked up to see her mum smiling, maybe even a tear of joy on her face or was it sweat, she couldn’t make out and next to her Julia was crying as if this wasn’t a wedding.

Beautiful nightmare part 4

No-one moved except Sam. At the order, he was into the house within two seconds from mum finishing her sentence. They worked well together, he knew. Besides, this was the best tactic she could give and he wasn’t going to complain. Any delay, and something seriously might damage tonight. After he would marry Lana, then he didn’t care about anything, then it would be too late for the truth to matter. Julia was so afraid from her mum’s reaction she choked with fear. What had she just done? Julia couldn’t believe mum would completely ignore something so very important and decide to begin this wedding so fast. Lana had to know whatever was going on before the wedding!’’ Mum! This can’t be; we have to hear what Reem wants to say... Lana must know too!’’. Mum turned calmly to face julia but her words were in attacking mode. ‘’ hear who did you say?’’, Then she turned to Reem, ’’This …this’’. She stopped and breathed out her word; as if her head had searched for all cruel words in the dictionary, yet still could not find a suitable word to call Reem, so she decided a cold breath would be the most suitable. Reem’s skin turned to ice with cold pain but she remained quiet. Reem knew mum would not listen to anything she was going to say, why would she ever, if she was the one that started this mess in the first place. It was Julia who would listen or else… this wedding was going to take place. Julia was boiling with outrage at mum’s decision; mum knew Julia was a mistake she could not afford therefore, this was no time for her to understand anything and it was only time for her to hate Reem more. ‘’ Julia, Reem is a lying, terrible person with no heart, you saw what she did with your sisters…’’ then she stopped. Mum hated Ahmed and would never in a million years call him Lana’s fiancé, Lana’s husband to be, Lana’s lover or Lana’anything. So mum changed her sentence midway and continued.’’ You know what she did with Ahmed, all she wants to do is ruin your sisters life and once is not enough for her’’. Mum’s words continued. ‘’ so not only does she decide to make sure Lana doesn’t marry this Ahmed, she also makes sure she doesn’t marry Sam. Mum left some silence drag in the air. Reem began to cry. Julia felt anger from what Reem had done but she also felt angry about how cruel mum was. Why didn’t mum care that Reem might be here to help and that Mum was being unfair. Something in Reem had made her believable to Julia. Something about Reem herself … she looked like the old Reem, the one with feelings and love towards Lana. Then there was certainly oddness about why Sam would offer money or had offered Reem money. He was involved in something, shouldn’t they know! ‘’mum I heard Sam say he paid her money to do something!’’, ‘’ exactly my point Julia, this girl is nothing but low, she must have asked him money because she is nothing but cheap and Sam is kind and then tried to fix up a lame trick to make us believe her as usual, to ruin Lana’s life…as usual.’’. Like a wave rising high, they all heard it; the cheers and encouraging shouts voluming up from inside the house. Louder and louder they increased. For mum, she smiled raising her head to the house, Julia stared at the house as if it was the first time she ever saw it; suddenly she couldn’t recognize anything of it, it felt like one huge nightmare house to her now, and Reem… Reem felt like she was so and too helpless although she was the only one that held information that was extremely necessary. But either way, mum and Sam’s plan had worked. The cheers increased and the DJ had begun the wedding song. Lana and Sam were walking down the stairs. They were getting married.

Beautiful nightmare part 3

Ahmed was silent but his car did all the talking. It swerved onto the highway angry and confused. Faster and faster, it sped as if trying to reach somewhere when it really didn’t have anywhere to go. The cars wheels screeched with pain and hurt. Soon it had abruptly stopped nearly crashing into the building and suddenly the car’s drama died with a turn of the key. The car immediately turned into a lifeless structure leaving its owner more lifeless than could be. The silence now could be tremendously heard. Ahmed remained in his car; his despair rising as his life was sinking. He didn’t want to talk or see anyone. The dimness of the street was enough to comfort the nothing he had. Motionless and quiet he remained, but his thoughts fed on him louder with each second. Right now she is getting married. His eyes blew up with anger, then pain, then remorse. A wild cat jumped on the path outside and let out a moan. Ahmed watched it carefully just like his frustration was spying on him carefully. He sunk further into the seat and found his gaze stopping on the sky. Right now she doesn’t love me anymore. The thought was too much to bear so he just let the stars glisten; back to a day when things were right, ‘’ what are you doing now?’’, ‘‘Nosy! Looking at the stars!’’, ‘’and’’, ‘’ and what? They’re just nice tonight!’’, ‘’ Well I’m looking at the stars too but I can’t stop thinking of you’’. The cat outside reminded him to come out of the long lost memory. It screamed wildly fighting for its food and ran behind the wall; the wall. His life couldn’t have been any less harder to live than that wall. He remembered the hardest part of it all, ‘’ no Lana wait, I was just telling her this is wrong! Lana please…, I swear it’s not what you think, she invited me to tell me something…I don’t know and then she…’’, ‘’I don’t want to hear! I don’t want to hear!’’, and then all he could hear was the wind taking her away. He remembered how he tried hopelessly but was losing her so quickly, trying to tell her to listen but Sam had come from behind, ‘’what more do you have to say? You disgust me’’ Ahmed ignored him with all his might banging on Lana’s window – ‘’Please Lana it’s not what you think…I’ll tell you what happened… you have to believe me,’’ but she didn’t. She didn’t believe him. He could still see her face and her eyes well with tears. It was the last thing he ever saw of her. She looked away as Sam drove onto the street. Ahmed remained in his car, the silence fake as anything from the jungle of memories in his head. He was in pain. He was in a pool of questions. He hated Reem for what she did, she couldn’t have been Lana’s friend at all, not just for that night he hated her, but for never trying to tell Lana the truth. Right now, he wondered why Lana had come that night anyway and with Sam of all people. Right now his unanswered questions drowned him but Right now, he was in denial. Right now Lana was gone. The sharpness of mum’s heels scared the ground, as well as leaving a scare bang loudly through Reem, Sam and Julia. She approached them believing it was Julia with a friend. ‘’ DID I NOT TELL YOU TO FI……..’’ her sentence was blown away with the shock of the three bodies standing as if they were prepared for a film shoot. Mum’s own body became slightly rigid when she saw Reem. Her face was dangled to the ground as if she couldn’t hold it upright any longer. Julia was the first to talk.’’ Mum, I did come to call Sam but then I found them’’, she paused for a second, ’’…arguing.’’ Julia turned swiftly then to look at mum for defense; little did she know she was the one that needed defense from mum. ‘’They were talking about Sam giving Reem money…’’, Sam’s first line, ‘’that’s a lie!’’ Julia turned to Sam angrily, ‘’ I heard you! Mum, he said he would give money to Reem and he already had given her money for something and then Reem has something really important to tell Lana but he’s trying to stop her! I think…’’. Mum had raised her hand to usher Julia to stop talking. Her eyes though all of Julia’s speech were pinpointed like a bullet to its target; Reem. She had not once taken her eyes of her as if, if she did, then Reem would disappear. Mum began moving slowly towards Reem, her gold bracelets and those heels with a witch familiarity as the only proof to Reem that she was approaching. Reem only stared at the ground hoping it would swallow her, but mum continued to come nearer, so near until Reem could smell her expensive perfume and feel her angry breath. Julia knew mum was going to ask Reem what this was all about. Sam had come to stand next to Julia and looked at her with an eye that Julia interpreted as,’’ I’m not afraid you overheard anything, wait and see‘’, He gave her a smirk and returned his gaze at mum and Reem. Julia never had any say of what she thought of Sam. She never had anything against him though techniquely to say but Julia thought in her mind ‘’I won’t let you get away with anything against my sister no matter who you are or how sinister you act’’. Julia said it with her eyes still boring through Sam but he had looked away by then. Julia and Sam waited but Reem waited feeling like execution day. Then mum spoke. ‘’Sam, go back inside and bring Lana downstairs; it’s time to start this wedding.

Beautiful nightmare part 2

Lana’s father had made the decorations exceptional. They had decided to make it a home wedding since it was at short notice, but whoever came could not stop talking about the dripping gold chandeliers from the ceiling and the lighting that curved all over the stairs, the chairs that were wrapped by velvet linings and the chocolates that could have been ornamental in their foil wrappings. The house today came out of a Cinderella story and it was every girls dream…every girl but Lana. Old women chatted loudly, men discussed the politics situation, and young obnoxious children ran around only stopping to spill their drinks as shy teenage girls swayed gently to the DJ’s music. Upstairs, mum had sent Julia, Lana’s younger sister to go downstairs with a few errands; call Sam to bring Lana down and tell the DJ to stop playing music so the floor could be cleared. As Julia walked through the guests, she smiled at friends she had invited, kissed a few aunts on her way, shouted at a few children who were destroying a bouquet of flowers but Sam was nowhere to be seen. He had a ‘’prince’’ like vogue to him; if he was in the room he could not be hidden. Everyone loved Sam, he knew how to conversate, flatter and certainly how to charm people. Sam had the ability to please anyone… anyone except Lana, Julia thought. As she walked around the room, she noticed her father being imprisoned by some Lady’s jokes and loud smile. She wasn’t sure had she saved him or was he just glad to see the wedding was finally underway but when her father noticed her approaching he rocketed to Julia. ‘’oh honey there you are!’’. Without leaving the woman interrupt Julia quickly asked her father where Sam was. ‘’I just saw him leave outside, someone called him’’. So Julia began making her way towards the big mahogany doors of their house. They were open and as she walked out into the warm summer breeze of the night, she could immediately feel her makeup melting over her face. Approaching the garden, she looked in all directions but Sam was nowhere to be seen; only random cooks, servants as well as a few friends smoking at the far corners. That meant he must have been on the street. Her heels already began to hurt her but she headed towards the wrought iron gate. A few steps away, sure enough she suddenly heard Sam’s voice. He must have been right outside the house concrete walls. She could hear him clearly yet could not see him. Walking closer now, she began to hear muffled things like, ‘’who do you think you are to come here now?’’. These words made Julia wonder but know Sam was angry. His voice certainly was covered with a deep frustration and annoyed tinge. The outside of the house remained empty except for the parked cars and howling dogs in the background. Julia now was standing right on the gate’s entrance. She saw the back of Sam’s freshly ironed suit and his Lynx odor waffled in the air. She figured it must have been the musician asking for more money or along those lines. Julia had just pushed out her foot to walk further, when… ‘’I can’t let you do this’’ came to Julia’s ears. What surprised her was it was a woman’s voice. At first she felt she even recognized the voice, it continued. ‘’This is wrong, I would never forgive myself‘’, ‘’ oh so you’re coming here to ruin my wedding for some conscience trip of yours, listen here Reem…’’. Reem? The name made Julia jump with startle. What was she doing here and after all she had done to her sister? But before Julia could explore her own thoughts Sam had continued to feed her with more curiosity. ‘’ if you decide that you want to be a better person right now, I will make sure you regret it all your life’’,’’ no Sam, I’m going to tell Lana the truth, today!.’ Julia could sense Reem had tried to force her way through, but Sam strong arms had pushed her away. ‘’I’ll give you 200 dollars extra, how’s that?’’, ‘’ no Sam! I don’t want your money, I want my friend and my life back!’’. Julia’s shock outweighed her. What was Reem talking about? And what did she want to tell Lana so urgently that Sam was trying to stop so Julia could only find herself picking up the end of her satin dress and walking slowly forwards. Sam was so engrossed with the conversation he didn’t notice her approaching but now as she let her self be seen, Reem saw Julia’s slender body revealing itself from behind the shadows. Both the girls were silent for a while as Sam continued. ‘’you already got 300 dollars but now you can have 500’’. Sam wondered why Reem had gotten so quiet and no longer focused on him, she looked on the verge of needing severe help, her eyes swollen, her hair messed up and tangled and now, she had blacked out. Julia felt she was in the middle of a football field and expecting not to be seen by the audience, but then again, she also wanted a lot of answers from that same audience. Julia’s scared lips began to open so they could ask, only to find the words had suddenly come from another,’ JULIA! I TOLD YOU TO CALL SAM, NOT STAND ON THE STREET AND TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?” Sam turned abruptly, Reem remained hidden behind the wall and Julia stood still, only staring at Sam whose calm was disrupted as mum approached the three.

Beautiful nightmare part 1

Close, she could hear her pain beating and the clock ticking rapidly only towards the future. Far away, her ears collected the vague sounds of sisters getting dressed and fighting over which shoes matched better as her eyes skimmed colored veils of outfits that flew in the air. But Lana continued to stare at her reflection in the mirror as if it was a mismatch. A reflection abused and bruised by time. She was ready from the outside. Her dress, a delicate lace of white, trimmed her outline as only beautiful and her jewelry made her shine and compete with the moon but inside, as she tried to wash down her emotion, she knew she had to learn how to smile again, from start. Strenuous lessons if need be and as her eyes jammed her tears behind the rich brown color in them and her breath held her hurt inside, Lana realized she had to begin consuming an identity that was full of a thousand words, memories, but mostly a face she hated to understand. As Lana woke from her thoughts at that instant one of the most drastic and effective women in Lana’s life had entered the room. This woman was no other than mum, the mother of the five girls in the house, one of which was getting married today. Her ironed shiny hair waved around her shoulders bounded by the silky caramel material she was wearing around her head. Her shoes, with long heels made her look 20 years younger. Overall she was engulfed by a look that could say no other but ‘’I’m so glad this day has finally come for my daughter’’. Mum had come behind Lana’s dresser seat. It was the first daughter mother contact they had nearly had all day from all the preparations, visitors and lists of chores to run, but as mum knelt down her make-up face to approach Lana, she could say nothing but ‘’you look beautiful’’. But she quickly with a deafening roar and lifting her body upright, shouted over the rest of the girls how late they were and they should all be downstairs. ‘’Sam is coming to take Lana down in a few minutes! I want everyone out!’’ and with that she placed her hand on Lana and said again ‘’he’s waiting for you’’. As their eyes met on a time and moment like this, the expression on each ones faces was of an inexplicable nature. Mum continued to smile. Ever since Sam had proposed to her daughter she had liked him, his family earnings as well his future prospects. She knew this was the one man for Lana and her beauty. How happy she was to see her wishes finally coming true; even if it took all the hard work, the changing of the truth and the gluing of the lies. She would be giving something for her daughter she would never have given herself. Lana tried to drift through her mother’s eyes; for a while they were blank, but then she found them to be some sort of a porthole and soon had found her mind drifting into another memory; a place she wanted more than anything to have been near, for her to find once more. It was a world not so far away in history, ‘’I promise I’ll be there for you always’’, ‘’yeah?’’, ‘’yeah, but you just have to answer one question!’’, ‘’and what’s that?’’,’’ will you wait for me until I finish the college year and then marry me?’’. She remembered the whirlpool of happiness she had swirled into and the look in his eyes that made her feel safe, but more so, she remembered, how she believed in him and his words; that everything was going to be perfect and true, forever. Now, the falseness came gushing back to attack her. ‘’Oh my god what …what are you doing?’’, Reem? Is that you…what are you doing, how could you do this? ‘’you’re supposed to be my best friend?’’, and you… you lied to me! How could both of you do this to me?’’. She remembered the shock, her eyes blurring her stomach feeling nauseated and her whole life feeling sick. But just like before, there was always something more that she could remember; this time it was the embarrassment. The embarrassment of loving somebody that only betrayed, as well as the embarrassment of Sam having seen the same thing. He had come with her by accident that day. Weakening, yet powerful thoughts and Lana could find no other way to remove them and their attached pain except to follow her mother’s hand. This hand lead her to Sam whom she was only marrying because what the man she really loved and her best friend Reem did to her, had made her never want to love again.

Echoes in my mind_ (I Wonder)

I wonder about predictions and restrictions
my dreams trying to save me but are only hurting me
are they crazy?
lost in the wilderness of the night they tried to free me in the day but were they only breaking my heart in the day light
pushing my wants into explosions of confusions
I Wonder about music and silence
how do I know when I'm listening to the queit melody of love
I Wish I could hear the beating of 2 hearts needing each other
It would be so much easier to recover the truths of fate

Stars and sky help me fiind

All the things that are kind

All the things that are in my mind

Please give me a chance

To find romance

A Devil's Love

Arguing tragedy, speaking of change but no change ever occurs!

Bursting with crime and dying time

Lost in weakeness

Devils spread their wings to cover my vision of the beautiful future ahead

Want me to be like them

To forget good and most importantly .... never care about the consequences

Deteriorating my conscience and my morality to myself

No need to think too hard about far away realities... far away necessaties

Devils convince my energy to relax

A devil's love, a love of passion

Hypnotisation of centuries

Catching and pulling and never releasing

By

The

Chains

They hold fury against my dreams in a sweet nightmare tale

And watch me suffer as I lose those dreams I worked so hard to think of

They've finished a perfect masterpiece when I'm finished

Madness, sadness glueing my walls to a cermony of pain

A devil's love

One sided

Selfish

Unforgiving

Isn't it awful to imagine ... so do imagine

They let go of you whenever they want and not whenever you want to be free?

Emotions to Sudan

To Sudan
I feel like I need to wash my brain with good old soap and water clean all the stairs and walkways that lead to my anxieties
I want to create time... time to heal.
If I go to sudan, I Will heal, I Will calm, I Will relax

In Sudan
So happy to be here
The african wind breaks my harsh memories into fragments of dying time
I swirl with the nature of my true identity
Browse through misery like it was never an enemy
The sun drying all my problems to shrivel into small size
Streets that open into the destination of my heart
Days that bloom all over a new start
People who are all a part of me
And I am as wonderful as can be

Broken Petal...

I wonder when fate will attack

Will I wish time back

Give me a way to begin new memories

Give me a day to wake with happy stories

Rhymes singing with a chorus of fantasies

That should come true with magnificence

A broken petal in my hand

Its beauty wilted under my command

Torn between Life and death

It was very beautiful, filled with health

Shining natural wealth

Blending into the horizons of my soul

It took out emotional colours to show it to the world

But blackened did the serenity of its bloom

And weakened did the meanings that once zoomed

Through lenses of focus, metaphors and sense

The sweetest petal that was soft but strong and never TENSE

I whisper my pain to the navy night, ask the stars to give me light

My silence agonises my fever of love

What is it that I desire?

who is it that I need to explore?

Explorations of a lifetime of suprises

I drown in hope of finding out the truth

But secrets gush like a broken artery full of falling blood

and I feel faint to the lies.... to the magnificent wrong.

Woman=Problems!

Just a part... of being apart...

I feel betrayed


Deep in my memories I cry to my fears as they continue to grow


Forever clapping for the show


In the darkness


I feel betrayed
By shadows that consume my wants and desires, they have the power to take whatever it is I cannot afford to buy


my love, my dreams, my passions


I feel betrayed


By so many souls


I feel betrayed


By wrong answers


I feel betrayed


By too many pains in my heart


I...feel...betrayed


Like a tune now stuck in my head


This is the position I tread


Losing all the ability to grasp your mind


Or control your eyes


Or begin to understand you, understand me


I feel betrayed that something so beautiful is so far away


I feel betrayed that you just cannot stay


With me...


You come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive


Like portals of fantasy you are the invisible drive


That passes in the swiftness and torment of my tears


You never try to rescue me from whatever appears


I scream for your attention that you should give me a chance


But you come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive


In the corners of my life you hide with no suprise


You will always be going when I come and leaving when I arrive


You look away and listen to everything not in my eyes





I drain colour


Lose armor


Gain a pale complexion of a breaking connection


Wires of love have been cut but


Leaving exposed nerves of feelings too painful to not


Kill


And it's easy


I mean...


You come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive


It's easy to slit my hopes into 2


Shatter the hurt into 4


Tear the loss into millions of fresh emotions soon to die in my arms


I breathe for your amazing charge


I beg for this romance that could be... so large


But


I feel betrayed


When I remember


We are in different directions


You will always come when I'm gone and leave when I arrive

But I think I love you more and more everyday

I think I want you more and more each day

I think I cry too many hours in my soul

I think I cannot forget how painful is my fall

I think I remember all the time what it feels like to never be noticed in you

I think I know how hard it's going to be to stop wishing for you

I think I've learned what it feels like to be betrayed...by you