Who are you?....

I love him with evertthing ive got

But i realised today theres dirt above my love

Theres flowers stil waiting to bloom

I realised im his tree with branches and branches for his existence

For him to breathe by

For him to live for

For me to be free with him

And yet those deep roots

Suffocate kindly

Those crash waves are not delicate

I breathe in and ask myself

Simply

Honestly

Who are you?...

If they could they would

If you cant control yourself

Others musst control you

Its as simple as that 

For if they could do more , they would

I hate everything youve done for yourself

Why? Why?

What to write when u dont know what ur feeling

What to say when you dont know what u mean

What to do when u reach a point ur so disconnected within yourself you just become

Void

Empty

What to make of it when ur inner voice is loud

Its strange noone else can hear it

Its strange that u can deal with it

What to believe when u dont know what to imagine

The step before the step is missing in my heart

Everything makes me sad

Everything makes me feel broken

But the worse part is

I feel lost

I feel left tormented by my own worries and mistakes

By my own lack of decisions

By my own lack of movement and and this feeling of stuck i cant get iut if

People behind me are teying to push me

But im too heavy

Am too ... Wrong

Too wrong 

Too astray

Imagine walking in a desert and knowing ur going the wrong way u know 

U can feel the heat and see the depth of emptiness ahead of you

But u just keep on walking

Why?

Do you

Do you....

Losing

Everything

Everywhere

In everyway

With everyone

I think the devils won

Ithink ive lost

I think i have

(1) start by..... admitting that I am un - me

That things need to change
that your suffocating within the mirrors of LED and scrolling
that your phone and facebook and all the things that are normal and beautiful but you use till intoxication are ..... breaking you
like virus computer filling your empty healthy space inside and anything that should work normally
has to attach with them through them
Ifeel like i was born with my phone
if that waas the case it would be ok but Allah did not give us a phone to live with and therefore it should not be a crucial part of my existence
being with me in my darkest and brightest of times
in my important hours and in my dreams and thoughts and fingertips
as if there is nothing else to hold or to be with
nothing else to own and cherish but ..... a few applications
my eyes tremble
my fingers tremble
my mind is like a scattered mindfield
unable to hold any information
or any drama for that matter
for if its not my phone
its my games on computer
playing ...mahjong 
which is just so wrong


for playing cards and matching will never suffice
ever


I admit that im wasting my time, my health, and all my efforts to things that do not deserve
and that which do deserve
i ignore like the plaque
as if i shouldnt do them
as if i just do them in the bare time
in the most concentrated time
like its not my responsibilty
not my time
not my day
not for me

I dont know what I care about

I admit I dont know what I care about, what I need or what I desire
life must go on
does my work directly relate to something else but me or should it all be me
hasnt God given me mind and thought to think and dream for myself and not for others

dont I have the chance to be here
instead of there

where are things going if I stay like this

everything unimportant thatis important and everything important that is unimportant

My work is my work
and my dreams are my dreams
and my goals are my goals

why dont I see that
at 28 years of age I think ive accomplished a great  deal

why dont I see that ?
but maybe if Allah has written for me
at 32 or 35 years of age
what would i have accomplished
I remember working so hard for things
I remember actually wanting things
I remember trying and hoping
but I dont and never remember being ......this lazy
this disorientated
unable to wake up early
or is it I dont want to wake up early to avoid problems and responsibilities

I admit also that I have become faithless
0
nil
I admit that so much
long are the days I cared about what Allah thought

Long are the days i planned to be kind
to be happy ,
to be happy truly for myself because ive achieved things in different places in beautiful ways


I admit that ive done wrong towards people that dont deserve that from me and that they deserve better
 they deserve my attention and my care my love and most important most important my
kindness
for if i dont give kindness to anyone I should give it to them
for they are kind and have lived through way more pain and trauma for me to understand
and worse i dont want to be in that situation
I always want to be like the angels amongst people all the time and with family and purity but I dont want to be alone
but if I see someone so alone isnt it so wrong that i should only make them feel more alone
Ya Allah samihni
Ya Allah samihni

I feel ....destructive
I feel...wicked
I feel traumatic
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel addicted
I feel like im losing
I feel unproductive
 i feel ..... un me

(2) Start by... clearing it all

You’re more than just a passing right-swipe, Pisces. And in October, you’re sure to let ‘em know that you want to be taken seriously. From the 8th on, cosmic lovebirds Mars and Venus sail together through Virgo and your seventh house of committed relationships. On the 15th and 25th, lucky Jupiter rides shotgun, making you bolder than ever about asking for what you want and need. Adding to that is the sun, which is parked in Libra and your erotic eighth house until the 23rd. You want it all now: soul mate or bust. Clear the decks of players and people who just can’t give you a straight answer. Yes, that includes all the toxic exes who pop up while Mercury is retrograde from September 17 to October 9. If you’re in a relationship, take the initiative to keep things fresh and exciting. Pick up pairs of tickets, plan parties together, take off for weekend road trips. And don’t forget to spice things up in the bedroom, too. The new moon on the 12th could bring some fantasy-fueled escapades. A creative collaboration or exciting business partnership could become official this month, too. Draft a contract to make sure you start off with clear agreements — the best way to avoid future meltdowns. The entrepreneurial bug will bite when the sun heads into Scorpio for a month on the 23rd. Have you been mulling over the idea of going back to school (even part-time) or starting a business of your own? Get on the ball with applications and development. Things could take off at a fast clip! Traveling could figure in to these plans, too. Basically, you can’t go wrong by packing your bags and exploring the world during this four-week phase. Bonus: The full moon on the 27th could reveal the perfect kindred spirit to join you on your journeys. 

battery dead

Sometime Allah doesnt change your situation because hes trying to change your heart that solid
internal blip of beating that is a rythmic fearful proud and unpure - strong brave courageous , wild, untamed
but useless
the beats mesmerising in despair
the sound breaking in its own travels
the echoes reaching nowhere
that heart
broken
shouting to be saved
crying to be changed
moving in the wrong direction
do you remember all that youve done
do you think its enough?
how far would your battery go?
how far would your battery live?
have you ever recharged it
unleaded or diesel?
heavy or light?


have you ever realised that God is trying to heal your heart
trying t tell you something
trying o being you closer
trying to help you
but you just dont want any helping do you?
you just want what you want
everything to fall into place
when your jigsaw puzzles are a thousand miles apart
look at you
youre fearless
but that nots completely good
your challenging
and thats not completely proud
your young
and thats not completely forever
your mistaken
and that seems to be going on always


think about it
do you deserve what you want?



to be continued



think about it
when was the last time you really studied
no wonder there is no acceptance
you are just not ready and Allah knows
dont fool yourself
your batery



has died