I am a brilliant app

All over again? My own fault? My bad memories my strengths my fears my weaknesses? What about my laziness my despair my wish to be that oneand yet doing nothing about it

When i saw her today i remembered our tutorials and how 1 day i was the best i certainly felt it but today although i was there i wasnt there in soul for deep down i was troubled my own setbacks , not her successes 

3 years - my brain cells slowly wither away fir i have not used them

I also felt powerful today. I knew things wven though those were not backed up except 3 years ago- so i imagined whatwould happen if i had backed it up

I am choosing differently

I am trying

How many choices yeaterday and today

Whole burger meal but not 279 hamburger

Not too many not too many

I thought that curved jacket was gorgeous

A real treat

I am proud of myself for finding it

I still have 5 days to go

And 30 to lose

And clouds to learn

And things i already have that i should use

My battery will cut on my phone

And sowill the battery one day in my geart but until then...

I am and i am and i am a beautiful smart woman like a brilliant app but just underused 

When i 

why so hard?

dontk now what yourdoing?
dont know what your saying?
dont know why youve reached a place like this
dont know why you keep lookingat other peoples lives with the dignity taht you dont give yours
dont know why its hard?
dont know whats wrong
dont know whats wrong with you
dont know how to fix it?
dont know what to do
anymore




ask yourself this


where do you see yourself in 5 years time
will i really be wehre i want to be
realy have all i  ever wanted
really make who i want to make happy
really be there in life and travels
or will i still be here
wishing to be tehre



ask yourself
why is it so hard
really why is it so hard

want to...be a new me

and in the midst of all that pain
Allah gave me a solution
I dont know I just felt taken care of

I want to go to Allah
want to run to him
want to break all my barriers and i want to give him all my fears
want to ask him for change and want to thank him for my life
I still want to be a representative - even if a junior one
want to be strong
want to be true
want to be happy
want to actually feel being happy and not just say it
want to be kind to myself
but want to be honest with myself
want to be without despair
without this...pain


Ya Allah
havnt been true
am sorry
please forgive me
please help me

That kind of heart

The one oozing pus from all the infection all the sadness

Torn and bruised from the outside it hurts so much to breathe

I get on the train and try forget all that 

It will be fun you know its not all that bad

Whata brave girl you are travelling in the woods

Being here

With all these people you dont know

On sunday

Gloom day

Massaging all the weakness into a glimmer of strength

Walking into the world with my mums words

CMon get up go! 

And suddwnly for a while i forget all the pain inside me

All the heaviness i carry with me

All the anger i have within me

All the frustration i hold 

All the broken anticipation

And all the pain i feel from that infected heart

And i buy a funky white jacket remembering the conference and imagining a strong woman

With a navy white stripped skirt as well

With her2 posters and her strong admiration to look proud

And then i walk into other sections

And i remember the presents i have to buy

I chooee pink

And then i say that i chose

Pink

And

Then

It happened

It was walking towards matalanthat the words came out

And suddenly

I justcouldnt cope anymore

I didnt want to be here anymore the pain was just too much

All the pus coming out

My heart aching for a futur so dim

The power of lonliness

Gushing through

And suddenly i was crying looking at clothes

I was crying choosing a flat white from costa

I was cryig sitting drinking my cold flat white although i had told her i wanted it extra hot

No point talking to her

No point saying what i wanted

What would make me happy

Because nothing in the world right now

Could make me happy

No

.... 

see......

You can be happy in a dark area
in a broken area
if you put your mind to it
if you believe
you can be sad in the sunshine
or in the disbelief that God will not help you
you can be crazy if you want or kind
you can build yourself up with confidence
you can build your self with promises that you keep
you can be or you can choose not to be
you can be everything
you can be everything you imagine
or you can not make it because you didnt try
or you lied to yourself
you can wake up at 5 and go twice
you can be
you can be
you can be
you dont have to be stressed out


stop stressing out
see
Allah fixes things
and changes things
and makes things
and creates things
and even lets you imagine things that can actually be real

Lot to say 1- being grateful

I have alot to say

Like how i miss my old ways 

Like believing in myself and actually liking myself

I miss my old ways

Like being a hard worker

Concentrating

Remembering

Am fearing i cant remember no mor

For my phone holds precedence

My thoughts about what the future could hold holds rock

In my heart until no positive exists

You cant secrete happiness and goodbess

From darkness from mistrust 

From working poor

I hate who ive been lately

So

Traumatic

So autonomic

No reality 

didnt want to see reality no more

Like that time i failed biology 

Literally got an F

But then for summer i studied so hard i knew what needed to be donei studied and i got an A

Yes i remember

Here i remember

Like how Many timesgod has helped me and i dont bother to listenlike how muxh i want something but aint trying hard enough to get there

Like being ungrateful

Yes i have been ungrateful

So first bad emotion am gonna throw away before i even get on that plane is...

Ungratefullness

I will only be grateful for all the good things allah has given me

And all the good days allah has shown me

And all the happy memories allah has provided me

And all the wishful thinking allah has promised me 

And all the health i have and will have

And all the health i need and will get

And all the places i go and most importantly rhe lovely parents i have and more important than that 

The amazing man whos given me his all

The man who i trust more than i trust myself

And more than i could ever wish for

Yes

Truly to the core

I dontknow what i would have been without him

 

Note to self 

I deserve the best

I deserve it all

Allah loves me and has never let me down

But he does test me

Now like the brave woman you are...

Are you up for the challenge?...

Boarding.. Not yet

Here i am 

Back again

Flying

To my dreams 

Feels like never that im around

But the around i am in hasnt worked

Feels crazy that ive done this to myself

Looking at others in a way ive never looked before

Wondering whats wrong with me

Knowing whats wrong with me

And anticipating the best without looking for the best

I have the best and yet i treat it like the worse

I have a kind man

One

No woman could dream of

And i am holding his eyes like a gem

For they glow

He always makes me happy

Always makes me proud

And its time to look pure within myself and save it all....

no flowers this may

the glare from my phone makes my eyes water or is it the sadness from my mistakes
the shine on the laptop in the dark makes me tear or is it the madness on my face
I no longer like anything, i no longer have drive
all i can think about is the pain i have caused
to a good man


I wonder about things gone by
like a man suddenly dying of a heart attack that i sort of knew
I try remember his face and its gone...
but i do remember
I try and think about buses taken to grieve with people losing loved ones
I try and hate on mistakes of others
young old wise unwise
but i never
hate on my own faults

always making for myself excuses
always making for my heart an escape door
and now like the governement
i have a heavy tax to pay
and now like the government
I leave it to others to pay


no contract
no hard work
no money
and no gratitude

i miss my toobs
i miss my house and all the things I want to do in it
like a secret garden
like a red earth wall
with a huge big painting
like shelved with fairies
like a cake sitting on the freezer top
walnut maybe? or coffee

and a size 12


no guilt
no fears
no regrets
and togetherness


I try and imagine the smell of cookies i bake from zahrat alkhaleej or maybe even bread
i try and imagine a smile on my face
i try and imagine what that feeling would feel like



but all i have are tears on my face
and a plane ticket
and sadness as big as my weight ...........