Sunday, June 13, 2010

going tomorow

So its like I suddenly get lost in the wild
all the commotion that I drove to get hunted
comes back to hunt ....me
I'm eaten & biten
my fears rage inside me
my tears grow alive kicking and screaming
pulled by the enemy
I add more honey ....
to the pain




evidence comes crashing
and all I can think of is the athma in my heart
and the break in my soul
leaking all
leaking all


bleeding for life, the forest of this lifestyle is cold
for I no longer ask for help
I no longer trust in god
I no longer wake for faith


so I get scratched
slashed by all these useless thoughts
that I once fought
now fight me...
now hit me
with frozen despair
and agonising waste of time

I time... myself
over hours... that look like sour power over a film of forever drama
forver saga - I read and read and read
and read



and read


words I cannot see
I try to be????

what do I try to be
what am I trying to achieve...
who am I trying to become/?
if I met someone... what do I want them to see??
in me>>>

I dont want to copy
I dont want to trade.... my intensity for impatience


I don't want to die a failure
I've never thought about it like that before



I mean...
everyday goes by
like every day

when it should be
everyday
is
one
less
day

1 comment:

Cupcake said...

Yakhee mashallah you are so unbelievably talented! I'm tired of saying it every time I check ur blog. Seriously keep it up because YOU are inspiring.

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -