Khartoum Heartbreak 10_ find that day and bring it to me
The breeze asks for my forgiveness to forgive myself as my mind travels across grass of quiet beauty - I ask for flowers pink in gold vases and seatings under the silver moon - trauma of love defines identity as people hum life and memory by tiles woven with history - I walk magic of elephant trees and peackock visiting - it comes so close - pecking at my love for sudan- wondering - why am i here? who am I? the king of beauty in down town suburban sweets collection - I am offered a tribute of entering but right now I do not get involved - for I am not involved in the frightening cells of afternoon sleeping visits- tranquility shocked by open eyes - and closed fragility the sun wakes invisibly to hide the dawn of the dead - something in me broke or burnt by the sirens of fear - run away by wasting time - watching the haven door open and close into the drizzling streets of despair - department khartoum - sick of living the corner and watching the turns pass me- stuck in today - and worse - yesterday- tryin to remember when i was strong - ridiculous entity - I am not .... like this... I cannot be like this...spitting the run down balconies of africa - I look out to the neighbours - the generators - the wasps of flies emailing my attention - come find me .... please come find me -from deep inside me - come back - I am sorry I let go - I am so sorry I let go - but the traffic was heavy and the weight was heavy - it was a cold night or a hot day - I cannot remember the extremities of the details but the result is today - now - I sit here -waiting for the passion inside me to wake up - to fight - to resume battle and win -
What it is...
I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.
My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-
My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.
But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.
Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...
Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -
It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -
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