the broken holiday

So angry - at my precautions - a summer filled with losing battles and to think - I was the one who begged to go - to never never land of broken promises and peoples arrogance - I felt then - locked - only to find that people did lock me into their propositions - what did people think ? was it my fault - a part I meant - a part I honestly did not mean - wicked witch coming from the first world they say - her blood purged with blissful high high = but its not like any of that - its like trying to fight for someone's rights - and trying to prove a point of equality and sensibility - but what are rights except your voice challenged by disrespect - and what is equality but a piece of silence and what is sensibility but madness - no matter what the age - there are beautifications in life that when lost are lost forever - and I tried to beautify the impossible - to discover i was all wrong - so wrong - then - now - my delivery shocked lives -telling fury to roll - instead of the picture I always wanted to become - happy, calm, alive with patience , respectful, sanctioned , amazing, sweet, approachable - but i was none of those - i was only a scream - i was only larger than life and sometimes that can be deafening not just loud - i mistook and was mistaken for someone terrible -someone big - bigger than can be tolerated - someone - not me - I cry inside at the fear -at the loss of a simples holiday worth of time - for i gained nothing but peoples detriment on my well being - peoples distance and peoples amazement at my disgust- khartoum heartbreak for real with no title- and im tired - so tired -at imagining how much ive burnt first impressions - and records - and breath - and moon shining to hate me not light me - and emptiness -all i feel is empty - never fulfilled

I miss living for the gratitude of myself only
i miss living for the chance to regain energy
i miss changing my living structure into beauty
and independance - no one should tell me what is right for me
i miss believing in myself - truly
i miss changing for the better
i miss being myself