Thursday, December 6, 2007

Stop thinkin about u

I’m so sick of writing sad words
Writing about broken down love
A love that can never happen, must be said to not exist
It’s trapping me like I’m being suffocated
I’m tired of describing something that can never be translated
I should have a life where u don’t come in it, u don’t fit
You’re a wrong jigsaw puzzle, a mistaken key
You should not be
I’m lonely from my imagination of having you near
I’m reading myself in a future of creative disaster
And even though I don’t want to write about you
You clog up my fantasies, inspirations and lines
Like hypnotizing my sentences
I want to write about so much more
I want to think about so much more
Like economies and infrastructure
Tragedies and culture
Break down stereotypical sculptures
Take miraculous adventures in predisposed settings
I want to take my destiny to another level – where there’s no netting in front of my eyes
I want to fight condescending lies, write about my tries
Waste time stamping out the darkness before it prevails
Yeah I want to be a hero
Flying or healing, it’s like writing about meaning
I want to waste time helping and teaching
Teaching me – to stop wasting tears over you
I want to write about hopes and dreams
Of the poor and the lost
In fatal accidents of being invaded by war and flooded with irreplaceable fears
I want to put my country into letters
Fix up solutions to make it better
All the wrongs and the invasion of betrayal
Damaged portrayal of life
I want to write about the Nile, its musical flow rhythmical through the land
Papers of tomorrow in the sand, I don’t want them to be washed away
The shadows of tomorrow must stay
I want to write about my faith in malaise
Stepping in an agitated phase
Gods love in delay to the meeting with my revolutionary madness
I hate how I react to the peaceful unity in my soul
I ask to fall in prescribed algorithms of screams
I fall in the delusions of haunted cold dreams, wrapped in a beauty of unawareness and blinding spells of true love – the cover of poison but encrypted romance from the stars.
And I want to write about how I need to be picked up
From hell in my cells
Lost in the tranquility of my anxiety
I want to shake off my distances and repair my close torn analogies
Of heaven and earth, of the truth and the lies, of love and you, of me and you
Patent smears of impossibilities
What does it all mean?
I want to discover my past so I can envisage the future
Close up all wounds and open sutures
I want to find my space and lace together forgotten questions
Write heavy answers and be a witness to myself and my identity
Stay up late in the movie of my dreams to find the end

I want to write about anything except you
Except the way you make me feel, how I see you
How I think about you all the time
It’s a delicious disease of thought
I’m ahead of wanting you
More like desiring the temptation to not resist you understanding me under a fulfilled moon.
But most of all I want to write about not losing confidence,
In laws, in goodness, in me
I want to write about the remedies that heal loneliness
The colored lights that stop darkness shining through
It’s all in me, all on me - the lacking miracles
The weak strength
I want to write strength coming back
In generations, in lovers, in seasons of friends and episodes of populations
The strength in me,
The courage in my heart

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -