Thursday, November 18, 2021

This isn’t going to work .

Cornered like a mouse I am the dictator and she is the population 
Sad and hurt
And yet my only intention was not to do that
But who will ever understand that force cannot achieve anything

My apology accepted and retracted
Not fully understanding was I sorry or not 
Feeling completely lost 

And finally the result is being late
And screaming and shouting 

Being told off since a long time 
Who’s fault is all this?
Who’s troubles are all this?
Mine or hers

Stubbornness
Power
Turmoil
Anger
Feeling mad

This is not home 
This is not the place of love
This is not the happy place
This is not right

If I can’t do it 5 then I definitely can’t do it at 15 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -