Monday, November 15, 2021

وطني السودان ٤

كما وعدت نفسي فلقد بدأت قرائة مذكرات 
Victor frankl 
لكي اتمكن من معرفة كيف العيش مع القهر والألم شديد 
فلمن تفارق من زوجته ما كان ان يدري انها قتلت كل الفترة الغاش فيها مسجون وكان يحلم و يتكلم معها مع نفسه 

فانا اسئل نفسي يا وطني 
ماذا كن ان نفعل اذا كن نعرف بقتلك يوم ٢٥ November
ماذا كن لنا ان نفعل
فانتي الزوجة القتلتي ونحن احبائك مع ال الناتذي 
ارجلنا فالجليد ونري كل الحذن  امامنا و نأكل من اسفنا و ناكل من قهرنا لكي نضعف لكي نبقي هيكل عظمي   من كثر الالم
فلقد جاءو 
The nazis of sudan 
 ونحن في صف المستقبل  الي العذاب وانتي يا وطني انتي فالسماء تنذري الينا فما  زنبك انتي؟
انت مثل  زوجة 
Victor frankl
لا كن ندري انك متي اصلا في وصت املنا 
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -