She used to love going to class on tuesday
For religion for clarity
And so she died on tuesday
I remember
She once told me
She was a 7 month old baby in big big sudan
Everyday theyd come ask
Is she still alive?
Yes theyd say
Is she still alive?
Yes theyd say
Until she got bigger and stronger and turned into a fascinating woman - one that i never really got to know
Because i never really tried
And then came the day
When they asked
Is she still alive?
And came the answer noone wanted
No
I remember she said she grew a baby in her and
Gave birth to him
Only to hear he died
And she knew she could not bare to see that child and live on so she said
No i cannot look at him
She said
And so she buried a child she gave birth to anddidnt even lay eyes on
I remember how showers
Were life to her
Glistening afterwards so relaxed
And tea
Lots and lots of tea
Breaking fasts with tea
And that morning coffee
And how she lost a husband 17 years ago
And marched on
And then one day her stomach turned on her
And brought her agony
All
The
Time
Forever
And boy did she complain !
From that bugger malaria
Everyday or two
Or three
And infections
Here there and everywhere
And knee operations
And eye ones too
Boy oh boy did she survive
Always faithful, always the same piece of
Kind humanity
I remember the story of walking home with
Her son and a neighbour and their child
Where her son kept saying to the neighbours one
Take off my clothes
Take of my clothes
The neighbours son had no spare clothes and had to change his dirty ones
But her son wasnt having any of it
Give me back my clothes
Give me back my clothes
She was so embarassed but i always only heard pride
I remember how much she prayed
And visited everyone
And always treasured visiting God
And all the many telephones she rang
To everywhere
Today our lives are all so very very queit
And our phones are all so very very disconnected
For she was the only connection
I remember how her son put her wedding sandal perfume in the washing up bucket
That struck a nerve or two in her
But she always told it happily
In fact i never
Ever
Ever
Saw her angry
Truly angry
No
I never
She used to say she had a long line of patience and when that finished there was no stopping her anger
But i never not once ever saw her really angry
I remember
Friday breakfasts without fail
Even when we didnt want them
Even when we didnt care
We always used to pick them up in the afternoon
And the suksania
Oily and sugary and full of grandma love
And karkadah and aradeeb and gongolez
Were stubborn but reliable and beautiful
Always in the fridge
And so was her solid faith
And unquestionable dignity
And love for others
Even when they clearly didnt deserve her love
And i could list a few who did not deserve her love
Including me
Life draws on strings and makes people angry
Forgetful and short coming
Thinking only of today tommorow and next week
Noone thinks about death when not picking up the phone or being angry about being late
But now i have to live with the pain
And the emptiness
And the sadness
And the remorse
Fridge or handrail
It doesnt matter
What matters is i annoyed her more than i was soft
And i was mean more than i was kind
And i was angry more than i was calm
There were some horrible days
And then mostly ok days
But ill never really know
What monster i was
Ill just have to ask forgiveness
What i do know is i loved her
And this feeling now of loss is so
Agonising
Like ive lost a deep deep part of myself
With all its goods and bads
And all its naivities and despairs
Things we meant and things we didnt
Things we hated and things we couldnt do
Things we said and things we hid
Things we couldnt hide
And things we had to feel
Its all over now
And i am the mix of good and evil
What shall i call myself?
I just dont know
