I have to be on top of my game in 4 hours
Acting the best and drinking enough coffee to push this madness out
My head feels like theres gunk in it
Lots of soul infection without medication
The obsession is clear
A part of me doesn’t want to stop
Because its displaced my body for the first time in my life
And fragmented my internal laziness
And truly changed my thoughts
But its also deteriorated my goodness that’s for sure
Its broken my mind
Its shattered my control
But its also reminded me of my pain
My true pains
The ones I hide, the ones I used to ignore , the ones I never challenged
Until now I could never control them
Every single moment of frustration hits me
My eyes see my eyes when I look at what I want
Its always walking into a room filled with guests
Its always dark music
Which although as erased my desire to eat has virused my capabilities
Am desperate for the balance
That thinking straight antidote
That being me dose I so desperately need in my undeveloped land of breakdown
It makes me feel like I can be the sexiest woman alive
I could be
For the first time in my life I actually believe that this is true
But like this
I could also be mad
I don’t want to be mad and sexy
I want to be clever and sexy
I don’t want to get cancer or heart disease
and I don’t want to give my body up to the devil either and get hell disease
and a wasted soul
I want to have it all
But like this
Am gonna have nothing at all
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