Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Ramadan day 21- all my cards are down

يا الله لا تجعلني خسرانة من هذا الدنيا 
All my playing cards are down 
For i like chocolate and good food
And travrl but too deep to put myself for a family
All my cards are down
I am just words
I am just broken size
Travelling pain
And then out ofcthe blue
Someone speaks my anguish into the open air
Someone younger than u has become someone better than u
Even planning to enter ur world
And someone smaller than you
Has had ur wish come true
Even though
Its all urs and u always thought urself the stronger one
Dishing about your wealth health and
Everything else
And now 
Someone pointed out to u how weak ur are
All ur weak points
All ur bolts open
All ur pain gushing
Like too much choc cake 
No matter how much laugter
Fun or mango
There is a scream
Or i could also write
God has never let me down
Always been on my side
Always been there for me
Always givene the best
Even though i have not deserved it
I have beenpatient i have been kind
I have been honest
And i will alwaysbe
Even if things take time
Even if things are hard
God will not let me down
In these blessed days
I will not lose hope
I will not fall to someone elses words
I will not pretend it doesnt hurt sometimes
But i will not succumb to that hurt and fall even deeper
I  better i am stronger
I am a good woman and one day i will be a great mother
And i know allh will not fail me

Ya rab

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -