Memoirs of a Sudanese Breath: Not in a good place

Monday, October 25, 2021

Not in a good place

A place too big for me

Trying to swim across continents cold and full of salt

I hurt others

And others cry because of me

Shout because of me

Feel tormented because of me

The young the old

I have no mercy

I have no soul

I have lied and I have hidden

And I have been selfish and o have made them all angry and more is probably coming

And yet I am also not smart or nice or beautiful

Or thin

Or deserve to be rich or happy

I am not lucky or strong

I am not here or there

I am simply just a failure

A prayer gone wrong

So so wrong

The worst part of me

Is that I do things that seem right but they are wrong

I am alone

I truly am

In a whirlpool of angry dreams

I’m just so sad

Today

So sad

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -