Not in a good place

A place too big for me

Trying to swim across continents cold and full of salt

I hurt others

And others cry because of me

Shout because of me

Feel tormented because of me

The young the old

I have no mercy

I have no soul

I have lied and I have hidden

And I have been selfish and o have made them all angry and more is probably coming

And yet I am also not smart or nice or beautiful 

Or thin 

Or deserve to be rich or happy

I am not lucky or strong

I am not here or there

I am simply just a failure

A prayer gone wrong

So so wrong

The worst part of me 

Is that I do things that seem right but they are wrong 

I am alone

I truly am

In a whirlpool of angry dreams

I’m just so sad

Today 

So sad 

Why on earth am I doing this ?

So selfish hurting my time

Becoming non advanced

Losing faith

Morphing sin as good

Failing myself

Turning time into mush

Why am I doing this

Not using the free everything I’ve been given 

Giving up on the chances

Allowing imminent failure to win me

Allowing everything to beat me

It’s so easy playing a computer game

It’s so easy being so hurtful and judge and think of others in a bad way

And just get consumed in everything bad

But it’s not easy forgetting the trivial and thinking only of focus

1 million euros

Why not

Pass

Why not

Successful defend without silence and fear

Why not

Only liberating myself is how I can do 

It’s sad

Losing a father who’s still alive

As the plane sets out into the sunset the connection breaks

And the ties dissolve into the pink and blues of the silent skies

Our lives change sometimes with the unknown that slices through us

Sometimes with the unknowns that crystallise us 

Sometimes with everything you could ever want and dream

Sometimes with everything you never had

And sometimes with nothing at all

If you had known that was the last time you’d have him just driving you around and having all the time with you 

If you’d have known the mundane was actually not mundane and quite precious

If you’d known that the time was speedily ticking out of time

And that the plane was coming to take your mundane days 

No seats for you 

No ticket

No visa

Maybe I have it wrong

Maybe they’re so used to him not being around

Maybe they’re already aligned with this day and that deep down maybe they knew it was coming

Maybe it’s not so painful for them

And maybe it is

Life is strange

It can give you goosebumps dreaming about affording business tickets and a new life you never had

And it could give you something else

Which I pray it never gives